Status quo

She never stopped writing and he never stopped reading.

That Man

It was spring. Spring isn’t my favorite season. It is the season of dust and hint of hot summer.

It wasn’t meant to be but a virtual “thoughts only” relationship, but then it happened.

I remember that day when I said that he makes me laugh.

I remember a day when something he wrote got engraved in my mind.

I remember when I decided to break the ice and indirectly asked him whether or not he was married.

I remember how one day he asked me out.

I remember how he came on so strong, it was borderline intimidating.

I remember him pulling away, and I remember how I started panicking.

I remember our first date.

I remember how excited I felt. I remember telling Sameh about the excitement and fear.

I remember how I felt after that date.

I remember how I said it was the happiest day in my life. My heart was about to explode.

I remember how he pulled away later.

I remember what I told him.

I remember how he got back.

I remember the 1^st time he kissed me.

I remember how he walked away again

I remember the tears, the heavy days.

I remember how he got back again.

I remember how he said that he didn’t leave me. That he was there but life sometimes is heavy.

I remember his promise that he will never leave.

I remember the last time we met, and how it felt like it is something that we might be doing for the rest of our lives.

I remember how it felt watching him pulling away. And how it felt trying to pretend it was ok.

I remember trying to give him the talk but holding back

I remember when I finally grew some balls and asked him.

I remember his answer … we can’t be but friends, this is the only way for it to work.

I remember the texts he ignored, the emails he never read, and the calls he never returned.

I just don’t remember when did I fall in love with him.

One Last Time ... Again

She Said:

You know I have always wanted a serious relationship. I didn't want to know that much men. I wanted to marry my 1st guy. But he left me. Then came another one who left me too. Every time I thought it will be the last time. And every time they left because I wanted it to be serious and they were never "serious" enough.

I didn't want to know as much men. I didn't want to have a first or a last. I just wanted to have one man. But no man wanted me to be "the" one woman.

Maybe I should change perspective.

Maybe I should take the fling as long as I am always offered "flingship"

Or maybe I should redefine seriousness because my seriousness led me to no where.


But I don't want a fling. I get nothing but "flings". I don't want a fling. I want something stable. I want no worries. I want to take something for granted. I don't want to worry about how stupid I am. Or how anything I am doing might turn him off. I don't want to worry whether or not he thinks I am entertaining. I don't want to fear being complicated. I don't need to pretend being shallow or deep.

I want to be myself, I want to be safe and I want it to last long enough for it to be a fact of life not something I am not sure whether or not is real.

I don't want a fling.

But maybe I should give him a try. One last time.

The day I quit him is the day I will quit love ... forever.

One last time ... then I quit.

Letters to Him – 3

 Dear Him

I just want to fall in love with you.

I know that this is wrong. I know chances are that you will break my heart to pieces.

I know you don’t love me … yet!

But I want to fall in love with you. I want to make memories with you. I want to beat the world while you are by my side.

I want to be silly and soft. I want to do lots of things that all includes you.

I just want to fall in love with you ... 

So will you love me?

Letters to Him - 1

Dear Him

The thing is, I'd need lots of talking. I’d want lots of little things that matters.

I’d have asked but I am not used to ask for things that people didn’t willingly offer to give.

Just for Fun: The Secret List

In his latest posts Mohaly posed two interesting questions the first was about the reason that makes a woman accept a proposal and the second was intended for men about if a woman should propose to the someone she thinks is her ONE.
Actually, I tried to be as diplomat as I could be and answered the question intended for women, though I believe the true experience that needed to be shared was my exceptional expertise in the proposing area.
Till now, none of the male readers answered the question, but regardless how they will ever answer it, my advice is NEVER PROPOSE.
I don’t know why I remembered Ross of the famous F.R.I.E.N.D.S telling Phoebe that he enjoyed proposing. And how disastrous was the result of Phoebe trying to make up what she messed up when her boyfriend proposed by proposing back to him. So regardless what men will say, girls please keep the humiliation for the more experienced gender. They were born immunized against rejection.
As you must know by now, I am the type of person who keeps teasing about almost anything and everything. So probably I will never be serious while proposing, or at least none could ever tell if I am really serious or it is just another joke.
So here we go, I will unleash the secret list and I will confess when I was serious and when I was joking (from the highest number of proposals to the least)

Number 1 is: I bet most of you will expect a familiar name. Brad, HH, MMIB, or any of the initials I ever mentioned in my venting for the last year. But the surprise is the first on the list of proposals in my cousin. He is almost ten years younger than me. I keep teasing him about getting married and I keep telling him that we are engaged. This one is one of my genuine jokes. I was never serious and I will never be.

Number 2 is: the second is, Sameh. My good friend Sameh happens to be the second on that secret list. And as he is a dedicated reader I won’t tell if it was a joke or I ever was serious, as I am not planning to stop teasing him soon about it. *Here I am teasing him gain*

Number 3: here comes the ex’s, MMIB comes third on that list. The first time I proposed I did it by mistake. Actually I was saying something else and instead the word marriage was spilled out of my mouth. I kept apologizing but he actually believed it was a nice spill. I proposed later once as a tease and once as stating a fact.

Number 4: Essam, another good friend of mine. I always tease him about getting married instead of the unstable love lives we both have. This is always a joke, though the 40 years deal wasn’t a joke. *wicked wink*

Number 5: MH, one of the ex’s. I proposed once and for all. It was when he was about to leave to the USA to pursue his PhD and a friend of mine advised me to pose marriage. I did and his reaction was “But you never mentioned commitment?!” sorry buddy, my fault.

Number 6: last but not least Mr Xx (aka Brad) actually I didn’t propose till recently as we were talking about how I keep teasing people about marriage and as I never proposed to him I found it a necessity to ask one of my major crushes if he would like to have me as a wife, he promised me a surprising answer and he was up to it, he agreed. If only it wasn’t a joke *wicked wink*

So, I guess 6 isn’t a number. Especially if half the number are silly jokes. It is amazing that HH isn’t on the list, but I just discovered that I never proposed to the man, he is the one who keeps proposing. I might share one of my answers to one these proposals one day.

Anyway, as Ross said proposing could be fun and it is really addictive. But it is not really effective. If you really like the man wait until he gets over his insecurities and take the step. If you don’t or if you are as crazy as me just do it, you will love the reactions. It is actually one of the ways to test how experienced is your guy * another wicked wink *

Anyway if you are male, single, smart and cute will you marry me* LOooOL*

Something to Break the Ice

That was the best I could do to break the ice between my urges to write and the things holding me from writing

• Sameh hates my complicated life. That makes us two. I don’t know why in my quest for a simple life I end up complicating everything in hand. I don’t know why our simplest wishes are always the hardest to have. All what I wanted is to do the things I love to do. I wanted to skip people and live in a selective solitude where only the things I want are allowed in. I wanted to have the privilege of occasionally enjoying exercising my emotions with someone I can trust will be there the next morning. Why leading the simple life is always so complicated.

• I can’t fight the need to lock myself in an empty white room. I want to be locked in a place full of light and cleanness.

• It is really amazing how sometimes I fail to understand the basic concepts I fight for. I worship my “me” time. I cherish the personal space but yet I constantly fail to understand the other’s spaces. I keep moaning that people don’t respect my morning pause. I won’t stop complaining about those who can’t understand my occasional need to connect with my secret place within. I know that I need time to think things over alone yet I can never stop nagging when someone is off to his cave.

• Too much pressure should kill me but unfortunately I don’t die. I don’t know if that is of the good fortunes of the world or that it is an old curse but I just don’t die.
  Everyone is trying to convince me that my best interest is doing things the way the want. My father, HH, my friends and even the maid believes that I should do the things her way because my best interest is what she thinks. Hello world! thanks for being so much concerned but I kinda prefer ruining my life my way and if you think I would ever cave of pressure I guess it is about time to get your plan B off your drawers because today I decided not to cave.

• HH said he thinks I am selfish, he said that though I am selfish but yet he loves this very trait about me. I wondered what made him think I am selfish; he said that everything in this life is always about me. He said that I seldom integrate others in my sentences.
  I never denied being self centered but the thing is it’s always been about me. Even that very long session of brainwash was eventually about me. I could sure integrate others in that sentence, as he was the others and the brainwash was mainly about how he would like to be integrated into me! In a second thought, I prefer being self-centered to being centered by HH!

• Today I decided not to cave, but I am not sure about tomorrow. The white flag seems to be an appealing option. I would put the arms and let go with whatever flow available. Just in case anyone cared, tell ‘em that I would have led a wonderful life, I would have done the things I have wanted, I would have changed but unfortunately I failed.
  
  
  

Dark Secrets - 3

I discovered that my problem is that I have always buried the woman in the time I should have buried the little girl. My problem is that I am still keeping the box labeled fairies, and I still wish upon the stars. The problem is that I still believe that the wolf is my kind old grandma. I discovered that the real problem is that I am still the little girl regardless how hard I try.

I once asked a friend of mine if he thinks I was naïve. He replied in astonishment, no way. You are not naïve by any means. He then asked me to define naïve. I replied naïve is being stupid. He corrected me saying that the proper definition for naïve is being stupid in an innocent way. He then elaborated saying that I was never stupid, you are just innocent.
As the time passed, and after 9 years of asking that question. It pops up one more time into my mind. Am I naïve? Am I stupid in an innocent way? 9 years ago I wasn’t stupid but I was innocent and as I grew up innocence faded but seems as it faded stupidity bolded.
After nine years here I am finding the right answer for the question. I am not naïve. I am just stupid.

Q.E.D

Dark Secrets – 2

I am someone who got bound to a rock and thrown in a wild river. I am drowning with no hope of survival. I am fighting but I go no where but the bottom of that river. It is the current that decides where I go. It is the rock that decides how deep I dive. The only thing I can do is to save my breath on the hope that a trespasser will come and lend me a hand.
He is the rock, the river, the stream & the trespasser. I am trapped for what seems like eternity. I fight, I float but I can't lose the rock. I am drowning and he is the rock, the river, the stream and the help.


Help!!!

Someone cut the chain please!

Picture: Andromeda exposed to the sea-monster (1869) Paul Gustave Doré

Dark Secrets – 1

I have to admit that I find it easier not to take decisions regarding my relationships. I prefer to be rejected than deciding to reject someone.
Rejection spares me the risk of deciding to commit. I really don’t know how people decide to commit. How can anyone give up freedom for uncertainty?

Picture: Fear of the unknow open door www.artbywicks.com