15 years!

Hello world

Thanks for listening.

Stay tuned

A Decade

Ten years ago I posted my very first hello world on this blog. Back then I was frustrated, and creating a blog was Sameh's suggestion.
Before creating the blog I used to email my thoughts to my friends, the thing that was usually ignored, even one of them asked me to stop doing it because why would anyone be interested in reading such things.

So, I created the blog. I started sharing my thoughts with the void. But apparently the void had ears. I made friends through the blog, and it was my means to land my dream job.

Through the ten years, I moved from being the girl who sends her thoughts in emails that no one cares to read to the girl who writes bi-weekly articles for a newly born online newspaper.

Lots of things changed in those ten years. We, have been through a lot together, you, me and the blog.

Dear readers, dear void with ears, Thank you for listening.

Confessions - 8

I was going through some of my Dotmsr articles and I realized that writing bi-weekly about relationships made me more emotionally stable than I ever was in my life.

I was on the top of my "love life game". I didn't slip into a lot of so obvious emotional traps. Back then I thought my new emotional support system is working. But right now, I think it was the bi-weekly articles that keeping me sane. (as the emotional support system is intact yet it doesn't seem to work anymore)

I don't know what made writing save me from the slips. Whether it was because I was doing something that I deeply love or because I constantly thought/ read about relationship mechanisms. Whatever the reason was, the moment I stopped writing was the moment I slipped into a "classical" trap. I am up to my ears in it. I even can't write my way out of it.

I am screwed! A couple of months ago I wouldn't have been so.

I am SCREWED!

Status Update!

I really miss blogging! 

You would think that a bi-weekly article will keep my "need to write" satisfied. But it isn’t really the case. I can’t pour my heart out in an article. I should always keep a part of the heart out of the mix. For many reasons, sticking to a certain form of language is one, writing for a critical diversified audience is another.

While writing an article, I have to make sure doesn’t fall under the vanity show category. And I have to stay “politically” and “socially” correct.

I am trying to write things of value. I am not sure whether it is working or not, but at least I am trying.

Blogging something else! 

I couldn’t see the difference before. But it is totally different. This is my “Personal Space” hence “Vanity” is not only expected but it is widely accepted.

I can whine as much as I want. I can brag as much as I can.

Which leads us to the point of this post!

I am BUSY!

Too busy that I have to schedule showers.

Too busy that I write the bi-weekly articles on the edge of deadline every single week.

Too busy to talk to friends, to go out, to “live”.

I am too busy I can’t even tell whether being that busy is a good thing or a bad thing.

Also I have been single for quite a while now. I haven’t had a date in around a year. And I haven’t had a man declaring his “interest” for that long too.

I am not sure whether it is a good thing or not. Sometimes I feel it is ok, other times I end up sobbing out of loneliness pain.

Yet for an unknown reason, part of the confident Shimaa is back. I am not trembling as I remember I was. Which means some people will think I am arrogant, others will find me obnoxious. It also means that I am hurting people I love by being so “decisive” in my judgments of their poor selves!

I am not sure whether it is a good thing or not.

Anyway, If you are reading this and you have been hurt with my “Busy-ness” or my new “Confident” “intolerant” attitude. I sincerely apologize. Last year has been really overwhelming and I am terribly exhausted.

The “attitude” isn’t intentional. I am just tired.

Love

The Eighth Year

Dear world, we have been a long way!

Eight years ago I posted my very first post on this blog. In my seventh blog anniversary, and as I was celebrating by spamming my social media timelines with re-posts of my old favorite posts. My mentor sent me a message commenting on one of my posts saying that he would like me to write for his newborn project.

The mentor was Abdullah Kamal and the newborn project was DotMsr. Few months later, he suggested that I should write about relationships.

Honestly, I was hesitated. Whatever I have been writing about relationships has been a reflection of completely personal experiences. I have been writing to heal my broken heart.

But he, my mentor, was very supportive. He told me not to worry about my “self centered” writing style. He said, that’s exactly what we want.

It happened! I got my first article published on dotmsr in last May. And a month later, I published my very first article about sex. The reactions to this article made me doubt the whole thing of the “writing dream”.

Some people called me sexually obsessed. Others went on congratulating me on being “bold and brave”. But what got to me the most was the sincere advice that I shouldn’t be focusing on relationships. Those who advised against this direction of writing said I had more potential, and made relationships look so trivial for a deep girl to tackle.

I took my worries and went back to my mentor, crying. I asked him how I would know if the advice was sincere or not. And for the last time, he guided my through fog ,as he died a couple of days after this conversation.

It had been an overwhelming year!

The thing that I never expected when I first started writing about relationships is that being “self centered” yet having to write to a diversified audience would help me figure out lots of things about myself.

I don’t write about myself for dotmsr, I did it once or twice. I actually write about relationships' topics after I research them and match what I have found to what I have experienced.

I have had some “eureka” moments. I have learned about myself and about others. It has been stressing and not in the least therapeutic yet I believe that it is totally worth it.

In my eighth year, I still dare not call myself a writer. But I can happily declare that I have been enjoying a fairytale. I am writing, I am self discovering and I am being read.

I wish my mentor was here. I miss him every step of the way.

Dear world, thank you for reading!

The Burden of Writing!

I have been writing all my life. When I started this blog it was a way to lighten the weight of the love life/ life drama.

Writing had been my therapist and my therapy.

Then my dream came true!

And finally I am writing and someone, somewhere is reading. Someone that I don't know of.

And that someone is judging me because I am the girl who wrote about the "Burden of Sex"!

Phew!

You can find the article here: http://www.dotmsr.com/ar/204/1/17954/#.U5YoyhnfrqA

A Bluff

So he blamed me for blogging about him and when I told him I could stop doing it if he wants he replies that he doesn't care ...


So maybe he doesn't care if I mentioned his full name and maybe his phone number too!


Just bluffing!

And here is the point.

I am so predictable!


I will get angry, threat something really crazy that will make you regret even knowing me in the 1st place but I will actually do nothing.

The rule is, if I am really going to do anything. I won't be talking about it.

This is an old lesson that I have learned reading Adham Sabry.

You don't talk, you act then talk to the corpse!

As long as I am talking then I will do no harm.


I do no harm!

Idiot!

I am angry and brokenhearted!

I vent to the void!

This is what keeps me going!

4 years and counting

It's been 4 years since I posted my very first Hello World here.

Hello again :)

Nice to meet you world :)

Thursday Thoughts Party

One more time Jessy comes with a brilliant idea, it is the Thursday Thoughts and she is having a blog link party every Thursday and all bloggers are invited.

So, let's have fun thinking :)

Here is the invitation:

I am having a Blog Link Party every Thursday. You can write anything you like and link up. Here's an example of last week's post http://www.chocolatemintsinajar.com/blog/2010/10/thursdays-thought-join-in-with-your-thoughts/ . I usually have these ideas that would never make sense as a post but are quirky and interesting on their own and I feel like sharing anyways.

The idea is that there are some awesome blogs out there but it is not always easy to find them.

I'd love it if you could join me every Thursday. You don't have to post on Thursday but the link tool will be up on Thursday on my blog.

If you have any comments or ideas or input let me know.

If you know other blogs that are awesome as well feel free to invite them too.

Best Regards,

Jessyz

Update your Feeds

Hello

So, I have been playing around and I think I changed the feed URL

So, kindly update your RSS feed readers with the new link

http://feeds.feedburner.com/shimaagamal

I am also thinking of a blog new look :)

Let's see where boredom will take me :)

It's Now or Never

That was supposed to be easy. I remember how easy it was to just write. I remember that I even had the guts to write about my lack of ideas. Now, it is the hardest I could ever do. And it isn’t that I am lacking ideas. As a matter of fact my head is too full that I am suffering from headaches that I try to kill with food but then they grow bigger because food makes everything big from your hips to your headaches.

So where should I begin. Should I begin with the inevitable talk about the Egyptian sociopolitical scene? Should I tell everyone to take a deep breath and stop playing neutral because no one really is? Should I plainly state that the Egyptian problem lies in having a population with ideas that are on the extreme left of things in the time ruled by an almost extreme right elites. And if there is any chance for Egypt to get out of the absurdity trap it will be for people like me (and you who are reading this) to start taking real sides instead of playing middle of the way cards. Because the painful truth is, no one is really on the middle of the way.

Each of us is slightly tilted to a side and that’s exactly what will make a difference. So, for instance, if you are pro free market be pro free market and for God’s sake stop talking about massive government intervention in economy. If you are pro controlled market please stop your regular visits to the hyper market because this consuming behavior and the unlimited choices the hyper market is offering are against your beliefs!

Or should I begin by explaining where Egypt was economic wise and where it is now? Should I start analyzing the Mubarak era or should I wait till after the next elections. Should I defend him in the time everyone seems to attack him or should I join the opposition forces? Should I even start by how lame the Egyptian opposition is!

But no, I don’t think politics is something that I should start with. Politics is boring, who would want to read another Egyptian analyzing Egypt?!

And this is exactly why writing is becoming harder. Writing is my thing. It’s been my thing since I learned how to put words into a sentence. Before that talking was my thing. Which I still believe is my thing, regardless the occasional stutter, and that I would make a great lecturer if only I could only lecture educated people who are extremely interested in listening to my views.

So, before creating this blog I almost begged people to read me, and I still occasionally do. But after a while from having this blog I started having absolutely random people interested in whatever I write. I started having friends because of that nonsense I write, people who shared the same views or even not. People who thought I am worth knowing in person because of whatever I write.

The feeling that a complete stranger finds you genuinely interesting because of your thoughts is one of the best feelings that a person can ever feel. It is flattering in every possible way. It mends lots of the tears in self confidence. Yet though that good, it is pressuring in a way.

Honestly, I don’t want to bore you. I know I am repeating myself and I know that you have assured me over and over that whatever those people who ever dared to call me shallow or call me too deep are wrong. And I know that I know that these two persons actually contradicted one another. I can’t be shallow using big words. Well, now as I write this I think I can! But I know that I shouldn’t let anything or anyone get in my way of doing the things I like.

After all, I am who I am. I can’t please everyone and if I miraculously managed to do, I won’t be able to do it all the time.

But I am an imperfect person looking for perfection. So rather than writing about change, choices, friendship, relationships, dreams, crushes, juggling, Cairo, exposure, love, children, provoking people, Islam, Egypt, things that make me cry, love(again), surrendering, rejection, hidden messages, alienation, religions, more X & Y unspoken conversations, people as means of entertainment, life, the “Shalabya” paradox and my most favorite topic of writing “Me”. Here I am wasting my and your time learning how to crawl after walking for more miles than I can count. All is because of my issues that I’d rather be writing about too.

The not writing state shouldn’t be a big deal. Just like a friend said today, it is something that I do for myself. So, if I don’t feel like doing it, I can simply stop. But it is that very reason, that writing is the one thing I do for myself is why it became a big deal. I am having a big void that needs to be addressed. I can’t say that I am lonely but I can say that the things that used to keep my life going have changed.

And because I hate uncontrolled change, and because I believe I should not just let go with the flow the least I should do is know where this flow is taking me. I did one of the corniest things this morning by giving myself today as the last chance (and made sure to set this as a FB status update) to either write or delete all my blogs (including the secret ones). And apparently I still give a sense of direction for the uncontrolled flow. At least I managed to post and the blog(s) are spared!

Expect more. (Oh now I remembered that “expectations” is another thing that I wanted to write about!)

And always remember to learn from your past mistakes. I just did, I looked for affirmation among my friends instead of an ex. which is the thing that tells a lot about how much I have changed. But this is another longer story that I will be writing about among the many things I will be writing about.

P.S.

I will be more than happy if you suggested which of the many points should I start with.

On Blogging

When I started blogging, I started with no aim but finding a space to rant and a way to detoxify.

I was writing the things that bothered me, and when emailing friends failed to cure the wounds. Blogging seemed to help. Blogging became even handier when my first and last forum experience failed. Writing in a forum for the first time I was really amazed by discovering the advantage writing give me in a debate. When I write I have enough time to think and organize my thoughts. The thoughts that provoked a lot of people, and as a result I decided that it’s better to be the one and only who put the rules and the one and only to follow them. As one of the forum administrators, who is an old collage colleague, thought that only what he thinks is right is right. And that the rules are his to interpret.

I still used the blog mainly to vent that’s why most of the posts are too personal and too depressing. The blog became my new best friend. The safe place I think of whenever I face something that I can’t directly deal with.
But between complaining about my family and dreaming about Brad I blogged about other aspects of life. I found that blogging gives me a way to say what I think of things out loud not only to detoxify.

Then maybe when the thrill of novelty subsided Brad asked me why don’t I blog. And when I said I don’t really find something to blog about he kept talking about a book he read and inspired him a lot. I found his talk inspiring but it didn’t really make me want to write. And when I didn’t write he started saying things about how this blog has nothing to say and it is all about me. And that I should start writing something of value.

Actually what he said got to me, I won’t deny that. He made this comment short after he related my value in life with this blog, something a friend will also do later, so if this blog has no value that meant he was telling me in the face you are of no value.

I kept on, value or no value I still needed that place to vent. I still needed people to tell me I am not alone. I still wanted to share the things no one knows about me. And then came a point when I thought I have shared too much. I discovered that this blog is the living evidence of most of the events of my life. I felt naked on national TV.! The bad naked, not the good sexy naked. I felt that people are pointing at the ugliness I shared. I felt ashamed. I kept blogging to minimum but I have always came back when there was no place else to go.

The feeling of invaluableness and shame was the main reason I lost the ability to write. Every time I think something is interesting enough to be shared here, I get held back by the feeling that this isn’t good enough.
I just keep coming back. It feels good to scream and ask for help here. It just feels safe.

It feels safe to take off the guards and tell the whole world that I have dreams, I want to live, and I need to be granted new chances.
It feels safe to admit mistakes, and analyze them. It feels safe to come crying over the spilled milk and it feels safe to admit that I am genuinely thought-less. I am stupid and I do the same mistakes over and over.
It feels safe to say that I know that whatever I have gone through is little compared to what others are going through. It is safe to say that this little has taken most of me. It feels safe to admit that I have a dark secret life that this blog only reflects some of its incidents.

It just feels safe. Thanks to you.

The New Look

I was bored and I thought the blog needs a face lift but it seems that the operation didn't go as smoothly as the lazy me expected it to be.

Blogger is really giving me hard time in return for it ease of use.

I would really appreciate your opinion regarding the new appearance, the ease of browsing and the most important is reporting errors.

If you mentioned the type of your browser it will be so helpful in fixing the error :)

Thanks in advance

The Blah Post

It has been a while; I don’t know what’s wrong. I just can’t finish a post. This morning I thought that I finally grabbed the words. I neatly arranged everything in mind yet I couldn’t type them the same way. I tried every trick I used to do and I ended up with the same result too many thoughts lining up in my mind causing a severe headache and no writings at all.
I want to write about how the human is always the result of any equation in this life. Actually the human is only the factor that matters, humans are the equation not only the result.
I want to write about emotional stability, about how women go through everyday cycle of hope and relapse. I want to write about one of the dark faces of me.
I want to write about the question and the answer I discovered.
I want to finish the list of pending posts.

I want to write. I can't even write emails :(

A Look onto the Circle

I guess most of you have missed my very first post. I guess I have been telling the very same story about how I started blogging but I always forget to mention that my very first post was to welcome whoever comes across my little space on the cyberspace into my world. From day one it was about me and till now as I am writing the 216th post it is still about me. About my very tight circle that’s formed of many other circles. It is about how I see the world from the very little window I chose to open onto it.

Along comes the question, why a public blog if whatever I am to write isn’t about the public but about myself? I guess my answer will be that I am just like thousands of people who really believe that their ranting is worth the time, the time spent writing it and the time spent reading it. If it doesn’t really worth we wouldn’t have that amazing world of the blogosphere and we wouldn’t have personal diaries on the best sellers. I might not be talented but in my brother’s words who eventually caved to my right to write “even those who can’t write and has nothing to say do it, so keep doing it you are not worse than them”.

Those who knew the little Shimaa at school would have known that she had written short stories, trials to novels, essays and even poetry. Those who knew this little Shimaa knew that her friends and teachers used to call her Socrates because she was the best at debates. Those who knew that girl must have known that she has been writing on a hope that one day she would become a writer, someone who can always add another angle to view a very old thing.

Those who know this Shimaa know that she is keeping the essay that won her the prize on the district competition because it is the only living proof of that dream. Those who know this Shimaa know that she knows that dreams aren’t always meant to become true but even if they were meant only to be dreams we should never stop enjoying them. Only those who know the little girl and the almost 30 years old version of Shimaa know that even she neither has the talent nor the quality thinking she will always keep a scrap of paper at hand because for her the whole world is folded in that scrap.

For me blogging was unfolding that scrap and unleashing the dream. I am writing and I am being read. I am even having instant feedback. Something that I bet Shakespeare would have envied me for.
This very feedback was the reason for changes in the pattern of my writings. It is different to write for yourself than writing knowing that certain people would read. The very same reason those who know me know why I have always chickened out of taking my dream out of the secret drawer. My little scraps of paper have always been the only thing I really did for myself. Having others judging it endangers the whole process of communication between me, myself and the world. So knowing that there is audience who would judge me I started keeping things off and I started looking for more value to add to my nonsense. And as I started doing so I started losing focus. As I opted to impress I forgot my aim. I forgot that it has always been about me and that it is me who only matter. I forgot that dreams are meant to be enjoyed. I forgot that if I was to have audience in the first place it was because I was honestly speaking of myself. It was because I needed to scream certain ideas that have been echoing for long in my head.

I forgot that I didn’t create this blog to entertain the public. I created this blog because certain people push me to certain limits and I have to pour my pain and ideas out else I will explode. I created this blog on the belief that someone out there will hear me screaming.
I can’t believe that I was that close of blowing up the last pleasure I have in this life. I can’t believe that I was that close of being muted forever searching for something deep!!

The Blog Readability Test

What Level of Education is Required to Understand Your Blog?

Movie Reviews

The Urge to Write!!

I just have the urge to write but I can’t find some peace to do. I have the urge to spill toxic ideas out of my heart but I can’t find a moment to connect with myself. I have the urge to speak, but something is holding me back. I feel deprived of inspiration. I don’t feel empty, I am full of buzzes but I can’t relate those buzzes to words. I have been thinking and my thoughts are suffocating me. I have been thinking and it is sucking the time out of my life.
I just want to write, I don’t know what’s missing. I have the ideas, I have the urge and I am dead tired of being trapped in the dark cage!

Another Conspiracy Theory

I decided to publish more of my arabic thought-less thoughts. I have to admit that the reason I don't publish most of these thoughts isn't related to the fact that most of my ideas are hitting me from left to right but also because I believe they aren't as good as the English thoughts, if those thoughts could ever be considered good. Another reason is that most of these thoughts is about Egypt. I don't want to get too much involved into politics. I am not a politician. I am just someone who speaks her thought-less thoughts out loud.
Anyway, I decided to put my famous theory about the conspiration in the Arabic Direction. So if you can read Arabic, interested in politics and not a believer in conspiracy, yes you read that one right, it will be my pleasure if you spare some of your time to read this theory.

Again feed Back is welcomed. Critisism is needed, as I want to improve my Arabic writings.
My brother told me that he will never read me as far as I am writing in English. And he believes that I am writing to no one as people can barely read Arabic and no one cares to read these thought-less thoughts in English.
So, Arabic it is. I will try doing it. But still ideas are hitting me from left to right.

Don't forget. I am waiting for feedback, so that I can post the other parts.

Thanks in advance
Shimaa Gamal

Check This Out

I know I have promised to write in Arabic but I don’t do much as most of my ideas are hitting me from left to right.
Anyway finally the Arabic direction has a new post with my signature. So if you can read Arabic and would like to spare some time reading a symbolic story. Check my latest post here

Thanks in advance


==================================================
Update
I edited that post, I removed the redundant sentence and tried to give reason for the ant's revolution.
Thanks to Omar's suggestions.
Still waiting for feed back
Shimaa

One Year Of Blogging

I was checking my profile and I discovered that it has been a year since I started blogging. I don’t feel a year is a long time and I don’t really have much to say. But I am really thankful for the man who suggested I should have a blog. I am so thankful for everyone who spare some of his precious time to check my thought-less thoughts. I am so thankful for those who heard my silent screams. I am so thankful for the new friends I made on the blog-sphere. I am not going to celebrate the one year of blogging as there isn’t yet anything to celebrate but I would like to dedicate that friend of mine who sparked the idea these few words.

My dearest S

You are the best thing that happened to me in the last two years. I kept re-writing long pages about how much I appreciate you in my life. How much I appreciate this friendship. I couldn’t find something that would show my appreciation and I don’t think I have the talent to write the proper words.
I go through the over 1800 SMS’s and I smile. You have always made my days. You have always been there for me. I close my eyes and I remember how many times I called you crying and how many times you made me smile. I remember how you always said that we are different mind sets. I remember our first meeting, the DVD’s enclosed in the books. The best birthday celebration I ever had and the hugest birthday present I ever had.
I remember how much you hated my persistence to give you something for valentine. I remember that you suggested celebrating the anniversary of the 1st contact instead.
I am so thankful that you are always there to catch me every time I fall.

It has been time when I felt that I am cursed; now I am sure I am the luckiest person in the world. I have you by my side. I have the only flawless person in this world as a friend.
I have the wise mind & the sincere heart. I have you.

Thanks for everything.

Love always
Shimaa

P.S. 3ayez eh fi el Valentine LOL