I feel defeated!
I had a series of surprise birthday parties/ gifts/ texts
& phone calls. Part of this could be attributed to the fact that I have
plenty of loving friends and family. And part could be attributed to the fact
that I changed the settings to my birthday on facebook to public. I decided as a treat
for my 35th birthday to indulge in self celebratory attitude. Guess what?
It worked. And I had one of the best birthdays in my 35 yrs.
Yet that leads us back to the defeat.
I feel defeated!
And this defeat could be put in one sentence. I am never
enough!
I am never enough … and it is exhausting. It has been
exhausting all my life to try to be of worth.
And now as I realize that I have lost each and every battle I
have ever been at, I am starting to wonder what does a person do after losing
the war?
I have spent all my life thinking that all what you have to
do is keep fighting. You keep trying. You never give up. You don’t quit. I have
spent all my life believing that losing a battle doesn’t mean losing the whole
war.
But I feel defeated.
I have no energy to fight. But I have no idea what do you do
with defeat!
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