In a perfect world ...

S: Why did you leave?!

H: Because you never really wanted me to stay!

On Loneliness: Definition

There are points in one’s life when something really big happens. Maybe losing a loved one, or seeing one of your dreams coming true.

A moment of pure joy or deep sadness, the type of moment you look around to share with someone. Someone who understands your excitement, someone who will dance a night away to celebrate your happiness. Someone who would hold you tight to ease an unbearable pain.

There are huge moments in one’s life that one needs to share them. They are too big to be lived alone.
When one can’t find someone to share such moments with, that one is officially lonely.

Q.E.D

S.M.A.R.T

He called me smart and that made me cry. I told him that everyone else called me smart. It is becoming more of an offense.

They all called me smart but wanted one thing.

They wanted sex.

He wanted sex too.

So I cried.

They all say they love me, they all call me smart, they all want sex and they all break my heart.

I just want a man who doesn’t call me smart.

I am not smart. Smart women don’t get their hearts broken.

Unnecessary Confession

It is both our fault. We kept saying it was nothing. We pretended it was nothing. And now it had to end & we both know we can't put an end to nothing.
It is something. It had always been something and that's why it had to end. Tragically.

It is both our fault.

Another Pathetic Post

I seriously don't know where to start.

He is getting back to his ex wife.

yes, another guy leaving me for another woman.

He is getting married. The guy who repeatedly said he is anti "marriage" is getting married. and to whom? to the woman who has made him the idea of being in a relationship in the 1st place.

I don't know what exactly do I do to them to make them all get married.

I don't know what do I exactly fix.

He left me without even a goodbye.

He burnt all types of bridges between us.

And he is getting married ...

Mind Games

The last time I had a fruitful talk with my most recent ex. I told him that I didn't analyze him because every time I do I end up thinking negatively of myself.

I deeply "admired" the guy. I was totally under his spell, add this to my deep fear of rejection and you will get all the negative thoughts you could ever find in this world.

It is a long story yet not the point. My point is, I analyze people, situations and myself all the time. 

I compare people, situations and my reactions to things all the time. 

I ask lots of whys. For me life is pretty much a riddle and my aim is to solve it.

A friend of mine used to call my over obsession with analyzing life "mind games". He believed that I played mind games with everyone around me. He couldn't believe me when I repeatedly denied it. The point is, I can't really tell why would people do the things they do. None of them answer when I ask. So, I have to try to figure it out myself.

For instance, I loved this friend for ages. Well, I had deep feelings for him. He was my idea of "life long company". I never fell head over heels for him like I did with my other men. But he could possibly be the hugest heartbreak I ever had. 

Everyone around me knew how I felt for him. It was clear. No one could ever miss the passion. Off course everyone knew expect him. 

Everything I said or did screamed of my feelings yet he didn't start to figure them out till I started to encrypt them. 

He started realizing when it was too late. He got my message only when I went from being stupidly direct to being indifferent and indirect. 

The point is, I don't play games. If I want something I will directly pursue it. 

A common advice that I repeatedly get, "ignore him, he will come crawling to you". It is a widely used mind trick that I never use. I show interest when I mean it and I show indifference when I mean it. 

I believe showing a feeling that you don't have is the worst form of lying. 

If I love someone why would he break my heart for showing interest? And why would he be interested the moment I show I moved on?

I don't play mind games. I wish I was that smart. 

I wish I could show indifference towards the man I love. I wish I could trick him into loving me back. 

I wish I could do lots of things ... 

I wish I was smart enough not to get my heart broken again. 

I wish! 

On That Corner

I am 34. According to my mirror I shouldn’t be feeling the way I am feeling. I have grey hairs, I have wrinkles, I am not 24 anymore. I aged. I am not supposed to feel like this.

I am lonely, I am broken hearted, I am asking the same set of questions I have been asking for years.

I am tried.

I am seriously tired.

I am tired of the endless tears. I am tired of the bad temper. I am tired of the clichés. I am tired of blaming myself.

I am tired of being trapped in this corner.

I am tired of feeling used and cheap.

I am tired of nagging, begging and feeling that I am asking for too much.

I am tired of asking. I shouldn’t be asking.

I shouldn’t be feeling this way.

The problem is, you can mend a broken heart. Once, twice, thrice but then it is soul breaking.

You change, deeply. You don’t lose your self confidence. You simply stop believing in the good in the world.

What’s the point of living then?

My soul is broken. And I don’t know how to mend this.

Status Report

I feel exhausted.

I feel trapped.

I am always feeling the same way.

I feel I am too old for this. I am going on 35, I must be feeling different, I should be having different worries.

I need to get past my feelings, my nagging needs and my hopes & dreams.

I need to kill that little girl hungry for life. 

I need to understand that there are things that are not going to happen.

I feel exhausted .. 

I also realized that not only that I was never the "sweep them of their feet" type but also I was never the "grow on them by time" type.

They all left ... They will all leave.

I am never missed .. 

I am trapped in my feelings ... I am cornered in my needs.

I am so exhausted.

H.U.N.G.R.Y

I got my heart broken. Again!

I know it has become the norm. Some of you must be wondering why I keep doing this to myself.

Honestly, every time I fall in love I decide it will be the last time. The first time I fell in love I thought it will be the 1st and the last but things didn't work out as I expected. So I did it again with the “this man will be my last man” in mind. I kept repeating for God knows how many times till I got to that man.

He is 7 yrs older. Mature, or so he appears to be. He is much more experienced than me. He is smart, handsome, plays different social and mental leagues. He is interesting on every aspect. It was natural for me to like him.

“Like” might be an understatement. I deeply liked him. I liked how he thinks, how he writes, how he speaks, his voice, his smile, how he treats people and how he can win the hearts of almost everyone.

I liked the chemistry I felt between us, how similar his priorities and mine are, and I liked the daemons and spirits he magically awakened in me.

Falling in love with him was the next logical step.

I didn't want to fall for him. But it happened!

“He is going to be the last one” I said to myself. Again!

I didn't have enough experience to stir the relationship and I was scared I might scare him away.

He took control of the relationship and day after day I started realizing how deep the compromises I would need to do if that relationship was ever meant to survive.

I am 34 yrs, yet I never had a “serious” relationship. At my age, my 1st wish for every New Year is still a “stable relationship”. I never got past the “fear of rejection” phase. I want to know how it feels to be “accepted”.

I never got a man’s love for granted. I never got to the phase where couples comfortably fight. All my relationships ended at the very 1st sign of “conflict of interests”.

I was hungry for stability, while he wanted to keep whatever we had “short and shallow”. What we had wasn't really shallow. It was full of details, inside jokes, secrets that no one would know except the two of us. Yet, I think he didn't want this to mean anything.

He was escaping “stability”; he is divorced with a kid. He already has a “stable” commitment in his life (to his daughter). Already tried, “stable” commitment and didn't really work out (to his ex wife).

Stability wasn't his dish, while it was all what I craved.

Then came another thing. I am a virgin. Sex was an issue. He wanted sex and I couldn't give him sex on “short and shallow” basis. For him sex is just another natural step, it wasn't a big deal. But it was a big deal for me. He was understanding. He didn't push anything yet he couldn't understand my hunger for the things lesser than sex. He found no point in them as long as I am not going to do “anything”. In his own words, this isn't sex. But it was satisfying for me in many ways that he couldn't get.

I was hungry for different levels of intimacy, while he constantly felt he was too old for this.

Sex was something we both wanted but on different terms.

The different terms might sum up the whole struggle. I wanted things that girls in their teens would want. It is totally expected that I would want them. I didn't do any of these things before. I was waiting for the right man. I was waiting for him to come along. But he wasn't waiting for me. He had a full life before me.

He tried all the details I have been craving to the point of boredom. His life after me wasn't really accommodating of those needs all the time.

I want to fall in love, to be swept off my feet often, to be able to dream, to have the sweet talks, the kisses, planning a life together, naming unborn kids, to be comfortable discussing awkward topics and to have sex while knowing it is a huge step with lots of meanings … I am hungry for details that people my age have out grown long time ago.

I am 34 yrs old and single, eligible men are all like that guy. They already lived and their lives ahead aren't so accommodating for a grey haired virgin who is longing to live her teen-aging years.

Compromising my hunger is a must for any of these guys to even consider a relationship with me.

My hunger is more of a liability. It is, I believe, a huge turn off.

A late 30s, early 40s guy wouldn't want to do the things he has done in his 20s.

I spent my 20s waiting.

An early 40s guy doesn't really care whether or not I am a virgin. He doesn't care how many men broke me before I met him. He knows that shit happens and life goes on.

He would listen to the stories but he isn't here to mend anything. Mending is something younger people try because they still didn't experience life and still couldn't get the fact that some things can’t be mended and among them are life scars.

What an early 40s guy worry about is whether or not I am in for a relationship on the terms he set. What worries an early 40s guy is that there is a teen hiding inside what seems to be a grown up woman.

A teen who would complicate everything because she is so hungry for a life that she should have out grown by now.

But that teen is there because that teen has been trying to do the right thing. That teen believed all the things she was raised to believe.

That teen waited to have things the right way, and now as she watches grey hair and wrinkles spreading everywhere, the right way doesn't seem to be so right after all.

The point is, I am hungry and he was full.

He is every man and I am every “teen” woman.

 … and my heart is broken again. 

Note to Self

Things that I learned in 34 years. I seem to keep forgetting my lessons, so here are my notes to self.

Feel free to share your rules :)

This will be updated frequently!



Rule No.1 .. if you are in a relationship, or you think you r in one, and you are constantly looking for "emotional recharging" then .. you are doing it wrong!


Rule No.2 .. No one wants to know how you feel. Keep it to yourself!


Rule No.3 .. You can't escape your destiny even if you don't believe in destiny!


Rule No. 4 .. suicide is tempting but it is always a BAD idea!


Rule No. 5 .. There is no shame in crying, just don't let anyone, ANYONE, watch.


Rule No. 6 .. Don't ask for help, unless it is hired!


Rule No. 7 .. You can delay doing the things you hate, but the will hunt you and bite you in the ASS!


Rule No. 8 .. You will always love the wrong person!


Rule No. 9 .. You are as average as the person next to you!


Rule No. 10 .. It is ok to feel down, don't let anyone trick you into feeling guilty for feeling down.


Rule No. 11 .. Sometimes you are not going to be ok. Live with it.


Rule No. 12 .. You will have to dump the things you love to do the things you hate. It is called duty .. Live with it!


Rule No. 13 .. All the good things in life are temporary.


Rule No. 14 .. You mere existence pisses someone off, be kind!


Rule No. 15 .. Food won't fix your broken heart.


Rule No. 16 .. You are a Muslim (a believer), you live in the middle east, sexual deprivation is part of the package.


Rule No. 17 .. God is good, if you can't see it, your mistake not HIS!


Rule No. 18 .. Confrontation is better than delayed rage. Grow a pair!


Rule No. 19 .. Sex doesn't complicate relationships, not knowing what you want does!


Rule No. 20 .. No one will take you the way you are, even your family will try to "correct" you.


Rule No. 21 .. Men are bastards, women are bitches .. Your bastard/ bitch is somebody else's hero. Relativity rules!


Rule No. 22 .. People will try to break your spirits for different reasons. Random strangers and dearly loved ones, try not to fall for it.

Rule No. 23 .. You need to genuinely let go of the things you want in order to have them. Hence, it is always too late. Accommodate!


Rule No. 24 .. Go the extra mile!


Rule No. 25 .. AVOID CHILCHES


Rule No. 26 .. Those who ask you to fully live your life have troubles living their own.