A Paradox

So we shouldn't date "The Dildo" in the same sense we should never marry "The sperm donor". But isn't dating "The Dildo" better than masturbation?! 

Side Notes

* I need to know the reason behind my aggression and depression.

* The problem was never that I fail to attract men. I am a male magnet (I believe every woman is) but the problem starts after the initial attraction. They get closer and the moment the relationship gets cozy they run away.
It is either there is something terribly wrong with me for them to stay. Or I terribly scare them away.
Both ways I am terrible hence they run away!

* I was told that if I think I don't have a life, then who does?
Which is a good point. I have a super busy life. I dare to say it was fulfilling at many points.
I am just drained ... I don't know what do to or where to go.

* I don't give in to hugs. I keep saying I need a hug but I have been given random hugs by lots of random people.
I failed to connect. I failed to channel any kind of positive emotions.

Depression!

Sameh thinks that I need to learn how to be happy. He might be right. Yet, I think I know how to be happy. It is just I am way too depressed; happiness has become a burden of its own.

Ok .. let’s take it slow.

I am sad. I am disappointed. I was happy earlier this year! I was too happy that I even blogged about it.

But now I am not.

I am sad. I am disappointed. I feel like a failure. I feel worthless. And all what I could think of is death. Maybe I should die and let go of all these feelings.

I also feel guilty for feeling sad. I seem to ruin everyone’s merriness.

I feel guilty because my feelings mean that I have lost my faith. And truth is, maybe I did.

I seriously find no point in anything.

I have been crying since I woke up this morning and I don’t seem to be able to stop.

I have no future. I am done covering up my failure with big words.

I am a total failure. A life unworthy of living.

But isn’t it unfair that I can’t live?

I’ve been trying. So hard … I have done my best.

But my best was never enough.

I am never enough.

I don’t need reminders that I have a life that lots will wish to have. I don’t need reminders of how much I am blessed.

I know, and I feel guilty enough.

Enough reminding me of how much a brat I could be because I am not.

I am sad, disappointed and tired. 

On Validation

I know I have been writing too much about myself lately. But I think I am blogging my feelings away.

So there was that moment, when at what was supposed to be a professional meeting gone bad, when the guy looked at me after almost 45 mins of trying to talk me out of an idea and said, you are smart and passionate. he said other things too, but I honestly shut off his "praise">

You know why?

Because I realized that I don't need his validation, the same way I didn't really need anyone's validation.

I know I seem to be begging for validation.


But honestly, I shut off the "praise".

I validate myself!

Soreness

I like a guy, which isn’t news. I am single, I have been single for so long. I have been juggling “rebounds” or maybe “hopes” of decent relationships.

But this time, I could tell that I like a guy. I like the chemistry we have and I like the worlds he shows me in every conversation we have.

Yet … I am not going to follow through.

Usually, at this stage when the guy seems so appealing I would make sure he knows I am interested. And later on, I’d try to take it further.

But this time I am not going to do. I am enjoying the safety of liking from a far.

Why?

Don’t mistake this for wisdom. It is pure lack of confidence.

I don’t think I have what it gets to get the guy interested/ keep him interested.

I have put on weight, I am still being called hottie but I feel fat. I have been fighting acne for years. I am a no one. I am 35 with no brilliant career and no clear “future”.

How is that supposed to be attractive?

And this is how sore defeat is.

Here we go again

All what I want is a hug. It's becoming seriously annoying. I tease friends so they send me virtual hugs.
I don't want virtual hugs anymore.
And I don't want just another casual hug.

I need a deep hug. A hug that means something.

A hug that feels home.

I don't feel home anymore, I am constantly lost.

On Daydreaming

I get attached to the things I imagine.

I Want!

I want to be loved sincerely and persistently.

I want to be loved the same way I loved all the men who left me for other women.

I want to be loved for who I am. I want to be taken the way I am.

I want to be loved deeply. I want to be surrounded, begged and needed.

I want to be loved, for a change.

On Closures

I wrote him a long email explaining why I had to decline his offer.

But I didn't send it.

I would have sent it if he asked.

I have done everything I could. I have walked the extra mile.

I think it is over ... but i am not sure if it is ok.

Defeat

I feel defeated!

I had a series of surprise birthday parties/ gifts/ texts & phone calls. Part of this could be attributed to the fact that I have plenty of loving friends and family. And part could be attributed to the fact that I changed the settings to my birthday on facebook to public. I decided as a treat for my 35^th birthday to indulge in self celebratory attitude. Guess what? It worked. And I had one of the best birthdays in my 35 yrs.

Yet that leads us back to the defeat.

I feel defeated!

And this defeat could be put in one sentence. I am never enough!

I am never enough … and it is exhausting. It has been exhausting all my life to try to be of worth.

And now as I realize that I have lost each and every battle I have ever been at, I am starting to wonder what does a person do after losing the war?

I have spent all my life thinking that all what you have to do is keep fighting. You keep trying. You never give up. You don’t quit. I have spent all my life believing that losing a battle doesn’t mean losing the whole war.

But I feel defeated.

I have no energy to fight. But I have no idea what do you do with defeat!