Depression!

Sameh thinks that I need to learn how to be happy. He might be right. Yet, I think I know how to be happy. It is just I am way too depressed; happiness has become a burden of its own.

Ok .. let’s take it slow.

I am sad. I am disappointed. I was happy earlier this year! I was too happy that I even blogged about it.

But now I am not.

I am sad. I am disappointed. I feel like a failure. I feel worthless. And all what I could think of is death. Maybe I should die and let go of all these feelings.

I also feel guilty for feeling sad. I seem to ruin everyone’s merriness.

I feel guilty because my feelings mean that I have lost my faith. And truth is, maybe I did.

I seriously find no point in anything.

I have been crying since I woke up this morning and I don’t seem to be able to stop.

I have no future. I am done covering up my failure with big words.

I am a total failure. A life unworthy of living.

But isn’t it unfair that I can’t live?

I’ve been trying. So hard … I have done my best.

But my best was never enough.

I am never enough.

I don’t need reminders that I have a life that lots will wish to have. I don’t need reminders of how much I am blessed.

I know, and I feel guilty enough.

Enough reminding me of how much a brat I could be because I am not.

I am sad, disappointed and tired. 

On Validation

I know I have been writing too much about myself lately. But I think I am blogging my feelings away.

So there was that moment, when at what was supposed to be a professional meeting gone bad, when the guy looked at me after almost 45 mins of trying to talk me out of an idea and said, you are smart and passionate. he said other things too, but I honestly shut off his "praise">

You know why?

Because I realized that I don't need his validation, the same way I didn't really need anyone's validation.

I know I seem to be begging for validation.


But honestly, I shut off the "praise".

I validate myself!

Soreness

I like a guy, which isn’t news. I am single, I have been single for so long. I have been juggling “rebounds” or maybe “hopes” of decent relationships.

But this time, I could tell that I like a guy. I like the chemistry we have and I like the worlds he shows me in every conversation we have.

Yet … I am not going to follow through.

Usually, at this stage when the guy seems so appealing I would make sure he knows I am interested. And later on, I’d try to take it further.

But this time I am not going to do. I am enjoying the safety of liking from a far.

Why?

Don’t mistake this for wisdom. It is pure lack of confidence.

I don’t think I have what it gets to get the guy interested/ keep him interested.

I have put on weight, I am still being called hottie but I feel fat. I have been fighting acne for years. I am a no one. I am 35 with no brilliant career and no clear “future”.

How is that supposed to be attractive?

And this is how sore defeat is.

Here we go again

All what I want is a hug. It's becoming seriously annoying. I tease friends so they send me virtual hugs.
I don't want virtual hugs anymore.
And I don't want just another casual hug.

I need a deep hug. A hug that means something.

A hug that feels home.

I don't feel home anymore, I am constantly lost.

On Daydreaming

I get attached to the things I imagine.

I Want!

I want to be loved sincerely and persistently.

I want to be loved the same way I loved all the men who left me for other women.

I want to be loved for who I am. I want to be taken the way I am.

I want to be loved deeply. I want to be surrounded, begged and needed.

I want to be loved, for a change.

On Closures

I wrote him a long email explaining why I had to decline his offer.

But I didn't send it.

I would have sent it if he asked.

I have done everything I could. I have walked the extra mile.

I think it is over ... but i am not sure if it is ok.

Defeat

I feel defeated!

I had a series of surprise birthday parties/ gifts/ texts & phone calls. Part of this could be attributed to the fact that I have plenty of loving friends and family. And part could be attributed to the fact that I changed the settings to my birthday on facebook to public. I decided as a treat for my 35^th birthday to indulge in self celebratory attitude. Guess what? It worked. And I had one of the best birthdays in my 35 yrs.

Yet that leads us back to the defeat.

I feel defeated!

And this defeat could be put in one sentence. I am never enough!

I am never enough … and it is exhausting. It has been exhausting all my life to try to be of worth.

And now as I realize that I have lost each and every battle I have ever been at, I am starting to wonder what does a person do after losing the war?

I have spent all my life thinking that all what you have to do is keep fighting. You keep trying. You never give up. You don’t quit. I have spent all my life believing that losing a battle doesn’t mean losing the whole war.

But I feel defeated.

I have no energy to fight. But I have no idea what do you do with defeat!

On a Side Note

It was 2008 or maybe 2009 when I told Brad that my wish for the new year/ birthday is to have a healthy relationship.

It is 2014 and I still didn't get the healthy relationship I wanted.
I got lots of men but no relationships.
I got lots of desire but no feelings.

I am still trapped in the old corner of needs, wants and disappointments.

But it is ok ... it is ok.

I give up

35th ... L' Année Abdullah Kamal

Today I cross the 35th mark. A point of contemplation about the past and consideration of what the future might offer.

But today I have no intention to share neither the past contemplations nor the future considerations.

Today is about my 35^th year. If I could give this year a name it will definitely be “Abdullah Kamal”

I had an overwhelming year!

A year that was full of victories (both big and small), love, wisdom, joy, fairy tales and loss.

This overwhelmingly overwhelming year was courtesy of him.

He simply changed my life. He made it bearable. He gave me hope when nothing in this world promised hope. He believed in me, he constantly supported me; he gave me intensive doses of confidence.

He was a miracle. He was my proof that God listened. He was the answer to all my prayers.

He was my mentor, my guide, the light that led me out of the deep dark hole of depression.

He fixed me. He made writing this post possible. I am not as sore. I can look back at my pains and see that they led to new places, places that might or might not be better places yet the journey was totally worth it.

He was my miracle.

But then he died.

One minute he was here the next he wasn’t and life hasn’t been the same.

I miss him in ways that can’t be put in words. It is like I am walking around with a huge pile of feelings. I know I miss him, I know he’s dead and I know he won’t be back. But I don’t know what to do about all these.

I look around for guidance and he’s not here. And no one could ever fill his place.

It is overwhelming.

I am 35. I am grateful. And I will miss Abdullah Kamal every step of the way.