The eX Factor

so, he is back. not in full package, and not with his complete will. I know i dragged him into it, but the end result is that i can have him again within the circle of my life.
he didn't change, he is the very same coward, with the very same old plans. he is still marrying his cousin. and he is still enjoying cheating on her with me.
i wanted him back for recovery purposes. i kept mourning him for more than a year. the fact that he left without a closure was behind this very long mourning period. i wanted a closure, so i brought him back.

i can't deny it was fun to have him around again, it has always been easy around him. the flowing conversations, the endless jokes, the way we both end each others phrases.

i wanted him back for closure, and he wanted me back in full package.

his full package includes a loyalty clause, so in his full package i am not supposed to date, flirt, or even have male friends. on the other hand he has the full right to keep on his plans with his cousin. i am the one for the talks, for the outtings and i am the one for everything but she will always be the one for the marriage. i can't keep thinking of the long list his friend gave to me before we broke up the 1st time. his friend told me no way that he will be leaving his cousin for any reason, not to mention leaving her for you. she is a millionaire, his parents wants them married, her parents wants them married and he is kind of loving her. so i replied if he loves her why he is with me. i got no answer for this question, i just got one advice, this will end bad and you are free to believe whatever you want.

i believed him, and i believed he loves me, i believed he is marrying me, he made it seem like a granted thing, but he ended up choosing her tears over mines. he chose the family, he cried and said i can't get out of the family for anything.

i needed a closure, i know he is a selfish coward, but i wanted a closure, to ease the pain.

so he got back and wants things to be the same way it was with a slight difference, his formal commitement with his cousin. and with an official statement from him that "us" has no future, or at least no promising future.

he is playing the jealous cards, the "i love you cards", the "i need you cards" and all the cliches humanity invented since adam and eve.

everytime he plays one of these card i move one more step away from him and one more step closer to the closure i needed.

everytime he does, i think that may be he never loved me. everytime he plays one of these cards, i believe that if he ever loved someone, it was never me, it was never her. if he ever loved anyone so he only loved himself.



i want to kick him away, but i still can't. something inside me still wants him around .. something still can't find the closure i seek.

but i don't know for how long i can keep ignoring his full package plan. as the more i ignore the more cards he play, and the more cards he play the nearer i am to blow.

so, i am just a bomb waiting for detenation.



he never reads what i write, even the long mails, he always prefered to talk than to read. part of his average charcter. and i am a writer by instinct, i prefer reading to useless talks ..





though he knows me enough, but he never knew that one day i will use my moto with him, my moto is my way or no way. now, i have to use this moto with him, it is either my way or no way. his time is up, i can't take more compromises, i can't accept to be in the shades, i am a sun girl my place is where the spotlights are, so my sweet selfish eX honey .. sorry .. but i think i can't fit into ur plans ..

in the eqauation the eX-factor should be elminated!!

AhlyCorner.com

I have a talented friend, who kept moving in circles to find himself. He couldn't stay more than one day after our final exams. He started his adveture by travelling to uncle sam's dream land.
after spending good time, and meeting the girl of his dreams, who is french by the way, he got married and soon after that he got back in transit to Cairo, and from Cairo to the land of cheese, wine, and beautiful girls. He went to France, and he started finding himself.
My friend is crazy about Al Ahly club, me too actually, but he is a dedicated fan. somehow, and for a reason he created ahlycorner.com. he invited me to join the forum, and he asked me to write these things i send him for review in the forum instead of sending them to him.
so, i did. i first started posting my old writings, which didn't get much attention from the members, they read, few commented, but i didn't feel that any was excited about it.
one night, i decided to open a new discussion, about marraige. i opted for a better understanding of what the thing is all about. i wanted to listen how married people see marriage, and how single people dream of it.
i wanted to prove my different theories about relationships. i wanted to put the boring writings into action.
the topic attracted many members, singles were the most talkative, males were the most contributing.
most of my theories proved right in discussion, though everyone will oppose it when i 1st pose it, then someone will try to prove i am wrong by telling a story, and the moral of the story is that i am right, and the theory is proved. Q.E.D.

most of the time we found the community guilty as charged. it is the community and traditions that makes our relations fail. i am not a fan of that theory, as my own theory is that we control our lives. but still the heritage of traditions have contributed to many of the problems we have in our community.

we discussed reasons people get married for, marraige as institution, trust, obeyment, sharing, sex, love, honor, virginty and the talks are still going on ..

i think that the opinions shared there is of real importance, it represents the ideology of the future fathers and mothers of egypt.

i never thought that a forum will be a satisfying experience .. thanks to my talented friend, who wanted to get rid of reading my writings, so he made me write them to everyone else :)

everyone is welcomed to share opinions: http://ahlycorner.com/AhlyCorner-Fans-Dicussions-c4/Diaries-and-Thoughts-f8/Marriage-t801.htm

but by all means, watch out, it is an Ahly territory :)

The First Date

I have known him for 5 years. For some 5 years might sound a small time, for others it might be like forever. But for us, those five years were a complete history.
They were 5 years of misery & 5 years of happiness. They were 5 years of honesty & 5 years of deception. They were 5 years of brain wash.
I started these 5 years with blind trust, and I think I am still blind, but I lost the trust in process.
When he asked to meet me, I kept maneuvering, for months. He promised he will make this one different. In all the 5 years and with all our history, we never had a decent date. It was always on a rush, either me being on a rush, or him being on a rush. We used to meet between our schedules, as transportation. And it always ended badly. Each time, we end up fighting, over what I expect and what he wants. We never had a decent date.
He promises me everything, and my experience taught me not to trust him in anything, he can be honest sometimes, but I can’t trust his honesty any more.
I kept maneuvering, till the risk taker in me decided that this risk is essential to assess he credibility. I can’t keep assuming he is a liar without a test, and I can’t start building the broken bridge of trust without test.
So I decided to go, with my rules. He chose a quite place and I didn’t question his choice. I can’t deny I was scared, I don’t know if he noticed me shaking, he complemented me, as he always does.
He said he now remember how beautiful I am, how much he loves my eyes.
I discovered that though I thought I know him, I acted like a teenager in her 1st date.
There was silence, long pauses and little laughs. I guess I was boring, but he was so nice. He talked about the future, and I love it when he does. I love when he talks about tomorrow, and mentions me.
I don’t know how my first date went, but I got back home happy. That he didn’t fail the test. I respect a man’s intelligence, and patience in a hunting game.
I love his French, and I love the song that was playing, “Adieu Mon Pays”, I barely understand French, and I barely understood it, but I have always liked it.

That was my first date. I am not sure if there are more to come, he said there will be forever for us to spend together. I am not sure about forever, but I decided just to enjoy today, and the feeling of my first date.

Status: Re-Phrashing

I don't know why I have the feeling that I should re-write the parts I wrote in the unfinished project I call book.
Suddenly, I started seeing that I was writing from a dark angle, and that things are not that bad.
Re-writing, keeping the idea, but trying to change the factualization process, or may be I am trying to decrease the factualization tone.

P.S.
I am a free bird, I can choose to stay in the beautiful cage for a while, but my home is out in the air .. I wanna go home!!

The Book

The story started around a year ago. I had the urge to write, it was either to get out what I felt in written format or to walk around the streets talking to the public.
I chose to write what I felt down; I couldn’t take the risk of being an officially crazy person. So I started writing, I wanted it to be an article, but ideas kept flowing. So I started calling the article my book. I even gave the book a name; I called it, Notes In Love, Marriage, Friendship and War. To sum up how I see the way the interrelations between the men and women are.
Most of the posts I blog is extracted out of this thing I call book.
Today, someone posted a comment on a forum, mentioning that he will be of the first to buy the book when I publish it.
And as I didn’t write a word for the last couple of months that was my reply

"Actually, there will be no book till I have something to push me to write... So I guess a couple of heart breaks, and one more abusive relation could do the trick... The problem is, I don't fall for the old tricks anymore .. Anyway, I am doing my best to find another impossible relation, that I will get into and completely believe it will work, love again, get hurt again and finally finish what I call book...

wish me luck!!!!"

In Right & Wrong

Love means to love that which is unlovable; or it is no virtue at all!! - G. K. Chesterton

I once wrote, describing my paradise that I call Neverland, that it is the place, where right people, comes in the right time, to say/do the right things.The idea kept buzzing in my head as I was analyzing different situations around me, of people who are stuck in between right and wrong as absolute measures. Someone who has been waiting for someone to act in a certain way, that someone is his/her right person and the expected way is his/her right way.But real life situations away from the expectations, this right person never goes the right way. Instead someone else do what you have been longing for. Gives you the unexpected care you needed in a harsh time, smiles when no one else do, listens when the world in full of deaf ears, understands when the whole population turn to be dummy, and accept you when you have a sign reads "rejected" on your forehead. At that time you will be left hanging between definitions of what you think is right and what you thought is wrong struggling against absolute measures of valuing persons/things.
Although they are naturally relative, right and wrong are always being used in an absolute way. Things we want are always absolutely the right things while things we hate or may be just our unwanted things are absolutely wrong. We only apply the relative approach of right and wrong when dealing with others needs, in away where every one of us will defend his right things to be his relatively right only if someone else viewed them as the wrong things. In that case, the first and best defense will always be the relativity of the measure as what's good for you isn't necessarily good for me and vice versa.
Accepting that the being right or wrong is always a relative issue, with no absolute mark to compare will gradually result in more acceptance of what we think are the wrong persons, and more rejection for those we believed the right ones.A wrong person was never absolutely wrong, he is just someone outside our scanning range, or maybe someone who doesn't meet our fulfillment list. Someone who might be far from our expectations, someone we never foresaw a next step with him or towards him. He was wrong because in a relation with expectations, this person lacked something that we couldn't ignore. While a right person was absolutely right because he lacked everything but got the only one thing we expected or wanted to be right.
The right way, is what we think absolutely right for us in relation to a specific time.So speaking in absolute terms, we will be in bliss, if the right person did the right thing, in the right time, and in absolute terms too, any deviation in the above requirements will lead to distress, which is absolutely wrong.
But applying relativity to the subject will lead more to a dilemma, a confusion of pleasure and sadness. A hurt caused by the right person who never acted the right way, a joy caused by the right thing done by the wrong person. And a list of questions; does what makes things or persons right or wrong is the timing. Is there only a right time, and nothing called a right person, or a right way? Or should it always be a combination of all three, or is it always a compromise of only two factors? Is it enough to have the right person doing the right thing in the wrong time, or the wrong person doing the right thing in the right time, or the right person in the right time doing the wrong thing? Is the term relative is really relative or it is just an absolute term? Can having only one factor be satisfying? This list of questions leaves us no where, leads us straight to the point where we started, where expectations go east while reality goes west, with no way to get them in a common way except at the starting point. And we keep repeating and moving in circles, leading to nowhere but the same place we stand. Where we absolutely believe that somewhere out there is the right person waiting for us to do the right thing in the right time.
That's why I called it Neverland!!

المجتمع المصرى بين مندور و عتريس

تابع معظمنا مسلسل حدائق الشيطان على شاشات التلفزيون العربية فى شهر رمضان و من لم يتابعه فقد وصلته بالضرورة الضجة التى أحدثها المسلسل . و بعيداً عن البطل السورى للمسلسل الصعيدى . و بعيداً عن إنتشار الفساد فى المسلسلات المصرية . و بعيداً عن النداءات بأنه لايزال بمصر شرفاء . فقد ذكرنى هذا المسلسل بفيلم مصرى قديم هو شئ من الخوف .و بلمحات قصيرة للتذكرة و التعريف بالمسلسل و الفيلم .قصة المسلسل تدور فى قرية من قرى الصعيد ، حيث يسيطر على القرية شخص ظالم ( مندور أبو الدهب ) و هو تاجر مخدرات ، يستغل أهل القرية و يبسط نفوذه عليها . و فى إحدى حلقات ظلمه ، يجلد رجل عجوز حتى يشارف على الموت و من ثم يتحدى إبن العجوز الظالم مندور و تلعب الصدفة دورها و يصبح هذا الإبن نائب القرية فى مجلس الشعب . و تجرى الأحداث و تأتى نهاية مندور بقرار إلهى حيث يصاب بورم فى المخ . و حينئذ يقرر أن يعدل مع أهل القرية و يسمح للنائب الشاب بتحقيق مشروعه .أما الفيلم ، فكان يدور أيضاً فى قرية من قرى الصعيد و كان يسيطر على القرية أيضاً ظالم أخر ، و المشهور فى ذاكرة الشعب المصرى بإسم عتريس . و عتريس كمندور فى الكثير من الأشياء، الظلم و السيطرة و الدموية و من يتذكر الفيلم ، يتذكر مشهد فرح رجل مندور و هو يقول نقوطك يا رشدى و البلد كلها خاضعة تشرب شربات الفرح و تنقط العريس بالغصب . و كانت قوى المقاومة ممثلة فى فؤادة ، صديقة صبا عتريس ، التى تبحث عن القلب الأبيض داخل هذا الوحش الظالم . تقف وحدها ضد عتريس حين يحكم على القرية بالعطش و ترفض الزواج منه باللإكراه . و فى هذه اللحظة تتحرك البلدة لتشعل الظالم . و ينتصر أهل القرية على الظلم .المسلسل و الفيلم ، هما لسان حال المجتمع المصرى فى خمسين عام . ففى الفيلم الأول كان بديهياً أن يقوم الشعب المصرى ( ممثلاً فى فؤادة و أهل القرية ) بالثورة على عتريس ( ممثل الحاكم الظالم و الفساد ) .أما فى مسلسل حدائق الشيطان فقد ظل الظلم مسيطراً ( مندور أبو الدهب ) إلى أن جاء القرار الإهى بنهاية الظالم . فقوى الشعب ( متمثلة فى أهل القرية ) آثرت السكوت على أفعال الظالم ، عملاً بالمبدأ المصرى الشهير إصبر على جار السو ، يا يرحل يا تجيله مصيبة تشيله . أما قوى التغيير / المعارضة ( متمثلة فى دياب ، شباب الجامعة ، قمر و الرجل الغريب ) لم يستطيعوا تحريك قيد أنملة من الظالم . فنرى دياب نائب بلا سلطة و بلا قدرة على تغيير أفكار الناس التى تكتفى بالفرجة . و شباب الجامعة الذين يكتفون بالكلام و النظريات و التوجيهات و الأحلام ، و قمر التى تتزوج مندور لتنتقم لثأر أخيها فينتهى بها الحال فى أحضانه تبكى مرضه . و حتى الرجل الغريب ذو الأصول القروية الذى يسعى بماله لثأر قديم ، يقف أملاً فى ضربة حظ .شتان بين مظاهرة زواج عتريس من فؤادة باطل و النار المشتعلة و مشهد عتريس وحيداً كفأر مذعور من قوى الشعب الثائرة و مشهد مندور الذى يرفض أن يموت كخروف على أورمة الجزار و يحرق حدائقه الشيطانية وسط تعاطف معظم أعدائه الطبيعيين . ففى الفيلم كان مستقبل مصر بيد رجالها ، أما المسلسل .. لك الله يا مصر .

مجرد .. تخريف

The Road Not Taken

Accept the things to which fate binds you, and love the people with whom fate brings you together, but do so with all your heart. -- Marcus Aurelius


The story was about a brilliant man who was sipping his coffee and telling his friend about a blind date that he was planning to go for. While in his way he hit a girl and instead of going to that blind date he went out with the girl and had fun and kept showering her with his emotions and love, till he went out with her to a big party along with the same friend of his, she broke up with him and he ended up lonely hiding from a horrible girl chasing him in the party.
The other alternative for that man was to go to his blind date and meet a horrible girl who he never want to see again, and then in a try to get him out of that miserable state his friend suggests that he should go to the party and she sets him another blind date with her date's sister, at the party his another blind date turns to be his first horrible blind date and he spends the night escaping her.
Moral of the story, whatever meant to happen, will happen, regardless the choices you make. The road not taken usually leads you to the same end the road you chose led you to. Just when you choose be careful to enjoy every step you take because the real pleasure is on the road itself not in where it leads to.

Cheat Chat

I have spread my dreams under your feet;Tread softly because you tread on my dreams!!
- William Butler Yeats, From "He wishes for the cloths of heaven"


In love as in war, loyalty is a question that some of us fail. In love as in war, some of us cheat. In love as in war, cheating is a betrayal. In love as in war, people cheat for a reason, but in war people cheat for money as war betrayals are highly valued, while in love people cheat for thousand different reasons that includes habit on the top of them.
Why do men cheat? The answer is simple; most of them do to prove that the quasi-God still can have more dedicated worshipers in addition to the one he already gained.
Some men cheat out of habit, they were born to be cheaters, they cheat for cheating itself, just for the thrill of having a double life while some men cheat out of a logical reason. They claim that they are not happy in the relations they have so they sake stability and happiness in the hidden affairs.
Some men cheat out of a philosophical call. They think that they, by cheating, are seeking the perfection they lack in their relationships. Some seek the perfect sex, perfect romance, perfect woman, or even a perfect relation. They cheat out of being perfectionists; regardless that cheating is a flaw of the perfection they seek.
If men cheat out of nature, then women cheat out of defense. Women by nature are not cheating creatures, they as worshipers of the quasi-Gods are loyal to their faith. Cheating on her man is as changing her religion. But even though some women cheat, for reasons that may be similar to those men have, some women cheat to compensate an unhappy relation, some women cheat to compensate neglect, but all of them cheat out of revenge. A woman cheats to make her man drink from the same glass she is sipping. Cheating for women is the last possible weapon to be used against a man, a weapon that she knows quiet well will be killing her before killing him.
Every reason in this world is debatable. Regardless the reasons for cheating on a partner, these reasons are never enough, those who seek happiness in an affair ignore the fact that they will be hurting more than one person in process, they will be hurting their partner, they will be hurting the person whom they are having the affair with, they will be hurting people who are directly and indirectly involved with them. The only winner in the affair game is the person himself who is cheating. He/she will have the whole fun, with minimum loss while people around him will suffer. This person is hiding real motives behind logical sense, if someone is being cheating for finding true love, so why in first place getting involved with a fake love, if a person is seeking happiness in an affair so why in first place getting involved with misery, if a person is seeking perfection why he got involved with defects. Again, every reason is debatable, so there will never be enough convincing reason for betraying someone's trust. There will never be a convincing reason to sustain a relation that is technically no longer exists. There will never be a convincing reason, to escape reality and search for self satisfaction while hurting others.
Always the betrayal will be a betrayal regardless how noble the motive is.

Valentine's Day

Between the blues of old memories, and the confusions of current maneuvers, between the grounds of lies and the skies of truth, I discovered that Valentine's Day is not a day to celebrate love. It is a day to remind us that love resides else where. It reminds us that love lives where we least expect.

look around u .. love isn't in the air ..

Happy Valentine's Day