Mind Games

The last time I had a fruitful talk with my most recent ex. I told him that I didn't analyze him because every time I do I end up thinking negatively of myself.

I deeply "admired" the guy. I was totally under his spell, add this to my deep fear of rejection and you will get all the negative thoughts you could ever find in this world.

It is a long story yet not the point. My point is, I analyze people, situations and myself all the time. 

I compare people, situations and my reactions to things all the time. 

I ask lots of whys. For me life is pretty much a riddle and my aim is to solve it.

A friend of mine used to call my over obsession with analyzing life "mind games". He believed that I played mind games with everyone around me. He couldn't believe me when I repeatedly denied it. The point is, I can't really tell why would people do the things they do. None of them answer when I ask. So, I have to try to figure it out myself.

For instance, I loved this friend for ages. Well, I had deep feelings for him. He was my idea of "life long company". I never fell head over heels for him like I did with my other men. But he could possibly be the hugest heartbreak I ever had. 

Everyone around me knew how I felt for him. It was clear. No one could ever miss the passion. Off course everyone knew expect him. 

Everything I said or did screamed of my feelings yet he didn't start to figure them out till I started to encrypt them. 

He started realizing when it was too late. He got my message only when I went from being stupidly direct to being indifferent and indirect. 

The point is, I don't play games. If I want something I will directly pursue it. 

A common advice that I repeatedly get, "ignore him, he will come crawling to you". It is a widely used mind trick that I never use. I show interest when I mean it and I show indifference when I mean it. 

I believe showing a feeling that you don't have is the worst form of lying. 

If I love someone why would he break my heart for showing interest? And why would he be interested the moment I show I moved on?

I don't play mind games. I wish I was that smart. 

I wish I could show indifference towards the man I love. I wish I could trick him into loving me back. 

I wish I could do lots of things ... 

I wish I was smart enough not to get my heart broken again. 

I wish!