Why Now?

So, why i am back to blogging?!

Well, I believe no one reads the blog. So this gives me the freedom to scream without being "judged".

And I feel super lonely. I feel unheard. No one hears me. I have been screaming my heart out and no one cares.

And honestly I am super tired.

I don't think I can do it anymore.

So .. hear I am. 

Pouring my heart to my dear void.

Lessons:1/365

Hello world

I decided to get back to blogging.

I will start by writing at least one lesson I learned each day.

My goal is to learn something new everyday and keeping track of it.

Lesson 1:

I need to stop acting upon the end results of scenarios I play in my head. 

I need to take those end results in mind, yet take things one step at a time. 

I need to focus on what I have in my hands, not on what would have had been in my hands had I acted differently.

P.S.

It has been a while since I last wrote in English. Sorry for all the mistakes. I promise this is going to get better.

Anybody Here?

Hello World

I can't be more tired.

Hello Void

I miss the time no one read. It is really funny how lonely I feel because everyone in paying attention.

I guess it is time to get back to deserted blogger. 

Back to the safety of not being heard. 

Another Relationship Rant

My relationships sort of follow a certain pattern. I am not going to complain, yet again, about how I was never genuinely loved. I will assume that I was loved. I have been loved of sort. Yet, all those men who - sort of - loved me ended up choosing someone else over me.
All my men chose another women, who seemed at the time they chose them over me as more vulnerable.

I have been broken hearted repeatedly because a man think that I am strong enough to take it.
I have been dumped because I seemed less in need of a man than another woman.

In the words of one of them, "you will live ya Shimaa, she won't"

The 12th year

It has been 12 yrs since I wrote my 1st post on this blog.

I have been through a lot.

And honestly, some days - like today - I just feel I am tired.

I am tired .. 

Dear Iz

Hello Iz

I am not sure whether you are still reading me or not but in case you passed by this blog I would like you to know that while trying to make a list of the men I have known in the last 15 years I totally forgot you.
Actually I didn't remember you until I was trying to remember how things ended with another guy and why he never contacted me again.

I totally forgot you happened.

Imagine!

Dry Season

I fear the day I run out of men. 

I had dry seasons before, and I remember how it felt. But then it poured again. And it sort of pouring now but I can smell another dry season hitting hard. And I am not sure whether It is gonna be a temporary thing or that will be it.

I think this is why people get married. Because whenever you are married you sort of avoid that type of fear. 

Few months ago I was so scared to settle into a relationship because who would want to eat the same dish for the rest of their lives, and right now I fear of starvation.

I can't survive another dry spell I guess and you know what's worse? I have no man who would want to settle down with me.

The people I hate the most

So, there are people in my life who are "supposed" to be "loving" me. They sort of like to advise me on things so that I "lead a better life".

Those people some how find a way to say that I am a waste of potential. They believe that I am wasting whatever resources I have (time, money, knowledge, networks, talent .. etc) and not making full use of them.

I hate those people. I hate them so much. I hate how they turn my peaceful life into a series of miserable thoughts just because they wish to have what I have.

I hate them. I hate everyone who makes me feel I am useless.

Tolerance

There was time when love meant tolerating one another. Somewhere down the road that simple idea was challenged. And now, every time I hit emotional rock bottom it occurs to me that no one would tolerate it. It feels that no one should. Why would anyone tolerate someone who is going through the blues, especially that those "waves" aren't logical. It is just spells of crying, phases of not feeling good, days of struggling.

Why would anyone tolerate this?

You say love .. I thought part of love is tolerating those days. But somewhere down the road this idea was challenged. And in part, I am bluer because I feel no one should tolerate me.

I need to be tolerated. But no one should do.