The sky is way too high!

There was a time when I wished for a healthy relationship. I remember the time when I saw marriage as a feasible goal. 

Then things never worked. I kept shoving bits of my wishes and trimming parts of goals, I just realized that right now all what I wish for is for someone to like me back. And all my goals revolve about meeting the said person more than once.

Guess what! Even this seems way too hard to get!

Milestones

Remember when I wrote that I didn’t like my options?

I remember the time when I decided to give up. I gave up my job, I gave up my dreams. I gave up lots of my appetite for living.

Nothing seemed to work. So I decided not to exert any more efforts. I decided to stay where I was.

And I also remember when he posted a job vacancy. A job that might be considered trivial by many. It was a part time job, a work from home job. He wanted someone to assist him in doing a research for a new book he was planning to write.

I was never more hesitant than that night looking at that Ad. It looked as if it was tailored for me, all he wanted was someone who is an avid reader, and thorough researcher. Both are things that I do on daily basis, and I have done extended researches in my post-graduate studies. Yet I hesitated a lot. I didn’t have enough confidence. I feared that he won’t find me fit for that job.

I applied anyway, I decided not to put real hopes on getting it and convinced myself that I have nothing to lose.

I won!

I got the job. And for little less than a year, I wrote daily reports of my finding and my comments on them. I enjoyed insightful discussion.

For less than a year, I did something that I loved and I got paid for doing it.

Then he gave me my fairytale. He offered me a job as a writer!

Lots of girls spend their childhoods dreaming of prince charming, I spent my childhood and most of my adulthood dreaming of being given such opportunity exactly the way it was offered.

The night he made the offer, was literally the best day in my life. I don’t remember that I ever jumped and danced while unable to resist crying out of joy.

Then he died. I still can’t process that. If I was ever asked to name loss, I think I will say Mom and him. I have no other names that could fit the definition of loss.

He got me out of my dark place.

He gave me the best night of my life, he gave me a chance to enjoy little victories. He gave me life, even if some will say that I am holding on to an illusion. But I will enjoy my illusion while it lasts.

When I was dancing with joy celebrating the best night in my life, I looked around me to find someone who would be as happy for me. I had to wait for my sister to share the news and dance for a few minutes before she fell asleep.

With every little victory, I look around me and search for someone to celebrate with.

My childhood dream always had someone beside me, a man, a lover, a husband who cares and celebrates. But I got the dream sans the man.

And it is totally fine.

At first I felt lonely, sometimes I still do. But I will be such an ungrateful person if I said I have no one who cares and celebrates.

I am surrounded by a loving family, and a huge network of loyal friends.

I am really grateful to have people like them in my life. And I will never trade such love and care with a love of a man.

Today is one of those days that can be considered a little victory. And I am writing this to make sure that you know, all of you … each and every one of you. People who have spent time reading my drafts and correcting them. People who have heard me nag for hours, people who comforted me when I was down. People who encouraged me to keep going.  People who loved me unconditionally through years.

I am not going to name names, each and every one of you knows exactly what she/ he has been doing. I want you to know that I am really grateful. And there is nothing that I can say or do to thank you enough.

I am blessed I have you.

And if it weren’t for you I wouldn’t have reached the 100 articles mark.

Thank you!

Anger Management

I am angry. I am too angry I can't even put it in words.

Reasons?

Life?!

I will be such an ungrateful brat if I said life is bad. I am actually living some of my best days regardless all the minor inconviences.

And those "minor" inconviences are pushing me to the edge. I contemplate death a lot just to escape those "minor" inconviences.

Then my uncle set me up with someone. Which translates to عمي جابلي عريس.
I met him just to avoid the drama. But I didnt, dad gave me one of my worst days ever.
Then it didnt end. He apparently likes me, and i pushed him away twice. I am trying to be nice and considerate of his fucking emotions.

He makes me angry.

He is unfit. He isn't a match. And I don't have a match.

I should live with it. And everyone else should too.

I am angry. I am surrounded by seriously annoying people. No one takes a fucken hint!
No one fucken listens.

And yes .. live with it. Liking me won't make me like you back. Mother fucker!

Yes I am having high days. I am happy and you are ruining my happiness.

You are making me angry! Too angry I think I should kill myself to escape you and the anger.

Status Update!

I really miss blogging! 

You would think that a bi-weekly article will keep my "need to write" satisfied. But it isn’t really the case. I can’t pour my heart out in an article. I should always keep a part of the heart out of the mix. For many reasons, sticking to a certain form of language is one, writing for a critical diversified audience is another.

While writing an article, I have to make sure doesn’t fall under the vanity show category. And I have to stay “politically” and “socially” correct.

I am trying to write things of value. I am not sure whether it is working or not, but at least I am trying.

Blogging something else! 

I couldn’t see the difference before. But it is totally different. This is my “Personal Space” hence “Vanity” is not only expected but it is widely accepted.

I can whine as much as I want. I can brag as much as I can.

Which leads us to the point of this post!

I am BUSY!

Too busy that I have to schedule showers.

Too busy that I write the bi-weekly articles on the edge of deadline every single week.

Too busy to talk to friends, to go out, to “live”.

I am too busy I can’t even tell whether being that busy is a good thing or a bad thing.

Also I have been single for quite a while now. I haven’t had a date in around a year. And I haven’t had a man declaring his “interest” for that long too.

I am not sure whether it is a good thing or not. Sometimes I feel it is ok, other times I end up sobbing out of loneliness pain.

Yet for an unknown reason, part of the confident Shimaa is back. I am not trembling as I remember I was. Which means some people will think I am arrogant, others will find me obnoxious. It also means that I am hurting people I love by being so “decisive” in my judgments of their poor selves!

I am not sure whether it is a good thing or not.

Anyway, If you are reading this and you have been hurt with my “Busy-ness” or my new “Confident” “intolerant” attitude. I sincerely apologize. Last year has been really overwhelming and I am terribly exhausted.

The “attitude” isn’t intentional. I am just tired.

Love

On being a Cling

Hello world!

I miss writing in English as much as I miss writing about myself.
I feel like I have lost my touch. I am not pouring as much feelings & dark thoughts into writing as I used to do.

Anyway, as I have been single for quiet sometime now. And no one even thought of asking me out on a date in almost a year. Also I noticed that the moment I start flirting with anyone is the moment he makes sure to make it clear that he isn't up for a relationship.

So I thought there must be something totally off about me.

Maybe that I am putting on weight or age or even acne scars! Maybe I am losing my sense of humor. Or even worse I have become too senstive to be dealt with.

Actually, there are plenty of reasons that could scare them away but I think I know the one and only reason that makes me such a turn off.

Clinging!

Do I cling?

I don't think so, yet I might be giving signs that I am up to a serious relationship. And that I might be having expecatations. I might even want to get married. Not to mention the viriginty thing and the no sex without marriage rule.

Well .. if i were a man i would have been turned off. Why would I ask someone who have expectations of a decent healthy relationship out! Why would I get close to a virgin who won't lose her virginity without a ring?!

There is no good reason to take such risks.

They have every right to be scared!

*Sigh*

The Eighth Year

Dear world, we have been a long way!

Eight years ago I posted my very first post on this blog. In my seventh blog anniversary, and as I was celebrating by spamming my social media timelines with re-posts of my old favorite posts. My mentor sent me a message commenting on one of my posts saying that he would like me to write for his newborn project.

The mentor was Abdullah Kamal and the newborn project was DotMsr. Few months later, he suggested that I should write about relationships.

Honestly, I was hesitated. Whatever I have been writing about relationships has been a reflection of completely personal experiences. I have been writing to heal my broken heart.

But he, my mentor, was very supportive. He told me not to worry about my “self centered” writing style. He said, that’s exactly what we want.

It happened! I got my first article published on dotmsr in last May. And a month later, I published my very first article about sex. The reactions to this article made me doubt the whole thing of the “writing dream”.

Some people called me sexually obsessed. Others went on congratulating me on being “bold and brave”. But what got to me the most was the sincere advice that I shouldn’t be focusing on relationships. Those who advised against this direction of writing said I had more potential, and made relationships look so trivial for a deep girl to tackle.

I took my worries and went back to my mentor, crying. I asked him how I would know if the advice was sincere or not. And for the last time, he guided my through fog ,as he died a couple of days after this conversation.

It had been an overwhelming year!

The thing that I never expected when I first started writing about relationships is that being “self centered” yet having to write to a diversified audience would help me figure out lots of things about myself.

I don’t write about myself for dotmsr, I did it once or twice. I actually write about relationships' topics after I research them and match what I have found to what I have experienced.

I have had some “eureka” moments. I have learned about myself and about others. It has been stressing and not in the least therapeutic yet I believe that it is totally worth it.

In my eighth year, I still dare not call myself a writer. But I can happily declare that I have been enjoying a fairytale. I am writing, I am self discovering and I am being read.

I wish my mentor was here. I miss him every step of the way.

Dear world, thank you for reading!

Why?!

Ok!

This needs to be said out loud!

I can't get over Mr. Abdullah's death. I am stuck between denial and anger.

I act like I have accepted it but I don't.

I keep thinking it is just a silly dream and I will eventually wake up. And when I realize that the silly dream is my reality I feel nothing but pure anger.

I never thought I would ever ask him this question ..

"Why did you come into my life? And why did you leave?!"

Attachments Again

I get attached!

I get attached to people and I get attached to things.

I get attached to potential.

I get attached to hope.

It always end up bad.

I try not to get attached but I am just an orphan kitten looking for a sign of a promise that there will be tomorrow and there won't be pain.

Home

I have been having this feeling for a while. I don't feel home while I am home.

I rarely go out. But sometimes when I do I don't feel like I want to go home.

Sometimes I wish time stops and I spend the rest of my life in a single moment.

I wanna go home! 

Another Confession

I just wanted to share my little victories with someone who would be as excited as I am.

Not being able to do this. Not having a person who searches for signs of "my dream coming true" and being as happy as I am is killing something in me.

I am not sure whether this is good or bad.

But I have always imagined sharing little victories with someone who cares ...

Another fairy tale dead!