That Kid

So, I was seeing a guy. A younger guy. I nickname him the kid. He suddenly acted weird. The weirdest part is that he started acting weird when I felt that I want to get him things.
I never give my men presents. Usually they make up fights to avoid giving me gifts in special occassions. And I sort of have a rule of never giving a man a gift out of the blue.
Anyway, I wanted to give the kid a watch. And I was thinking to give it to him without waiting for an occassion because I thought we wouldn't last till valentine's day or his birthday.
But the kid surprised me. We didnt even last for a couple of days after that thought.

I really don't know what went wrong and why.

He doesn't deserve a post. But I thought of writing about it anyway.

I was going to give him a watch. 

Status Update

I Spent most of the last month praying that I'd die. I couldn't deal with pressures of life, I was faced repeatedly with how meaningless this life is and how futile is to trust others regardless how close they are.
I spent good amount of my days crying and my nights plotting plans to kill myself.

I had a rough month that doesn't seem to be clearing soon. I am tired, still partially praying to die. But I postponed the plans to kill myself. I still can't get myself to do it. Apparently I still want to live.

I want to live. But I am fed up with life's plot twists.

A Marker

Today I made a sincere prayer, I asked God to end my life if what's waiting for me is what I have seen glimpses off the last week.

I don't want to live life is that's what I am going to go through.

Enough is enough. Amen.

The fairness of life

I still believe Daddy's death was unfair. I need my father. He is everything I have. It wasn't fair to lose my mother early in my life. It was neither fair for me nor for my brother, sister and father.
It wasn't fair. But we moved on anyway.
I know people keep saying that one should count his blessings and I know I am blessed. But others too are blessed. They have mothers, fathers, money, good health, husbands and children.
Others too are blessed as much as I am.
And I believe it is unfair that I spent most of my life without a mother and I have to go through the rest of my life without a father.

I don't think that was fair.

I need my father back. 

The Little Things

I don't remember exactly how and when I broke free from the "I want to get married" corner. The last thing I remember was H, and how "perfect" he seemed to be. I wanted to marry him. Then he said he isn't the marriage type. I started exploring other forms of relationships. I wanted to be with him. I kept thinking of ways, I tried my best to compromise. But it didn't work. He married someone else. It felt as bad as the sentence sound back then. It took me years to understand his motives. It took me years to feel ok that he is with someone else. But something happened in those years. I turned nihilist. The absurdity of life some how is heavier than what I can take. And I just can't think of committing anymore. I can't do home/ kids.
Sometimes I wonder whether or not those feelings are authentic. Because regardless my feelings towards marriage I still want a stable relationship. I still crave the little details. The morning texts, the random calls, the outings, birthdays, the safe company. I am still wanting a tomorrow with someone without worrying that he will leave. I want to fight without fearing it will end the relationahip.
I want details, lots of details.

I want a future

I need a promise ... 

Jealousy

I used to get jealous. I used to feel the heaviness of competition. Then I met him. And I realized that I shouldn't feel threatened by other women. There will always be other women but their presence isn't a threat to me.
I am ok the way I am, I am loved for who I am.
I realized that it is men who compete to get to me and I shouldn't ever worry or feel threatened.

The things is he left, but that didn't change a thing. I am loved for who I am. I am not in competition with someone else.

There will always be other women. But none of them will ever be me.

3 A.M. Thoughts

Sometimes I wonder whether he ruined me beyond fixing or fixed me beyond ruining.

Anger

He said that I needed a fight so he gave me what I needed. I denied that I was looking for a fight yet kept fighting.
He listened, he doesn't usually listen.
He listened because I was angry and he wanted to know why I was so angry.
I am angry because he stalled when I was ready and because I stalled when he was ready.
I am angry because others did the things he was supposed to do. I am angry because he had known these things since forever and he chose not to do them.
I am angry because i know he did the right thing. Yet i can't help being angry every time someone else does smth i wanted him to do.

I am angry .. and i can't stop fighting.

Devastated

Sometimes I think that if it weren't for my persistence I wouldn't have had any relationship with any of the ex's.
I know it is good to think that they have chosen to keep me around because they valued me regardless the end of relationship. But the truth is, I worked to keep them. I walked the whole way to keep them.
The thruth is none of them "returned". I am the one who haunted them to get them back.

The truth is, this realization is so devastating.

One fine Monday

I have a sort of obsessive compulsive thing. Some thoughts -negative thoughts-  take over my mind. I just can't help it. And it takes me lots of work to keep it checked. It drains me.
I try not to tell those thoughts to anyone for many reasons. I try not to act upon those thoughts ( i usually fail).
Anyway, those obssessive compulsive thoughts put me under lots of stress. The stress of the thoughts itself and the stress of trying to keep it to myself.
That Monday was seemingly just another day. On the surface I was a totally "normal" person. But I wasn't. That Monday marked the end of a week of an obsessive thinking. I was finally relived of the burden of both the thought and trying to keeping it at bay.
That Monday I had plans that got canceled. And an unplanned meeting with a person that I didn't really want to meet.
That Monday I was tired, I was out of form emotionally, mentally and physically.
That Monday I spilled parts of how stressful my week was because of the thought. He made a joke about it that I took seriously.

That Monday was how it ended.

I had a thought that I couldn't calm, I secretly acted upon the thought for a week. When I finally realized how pathetic I was, I started talking about it.
I didn't realize then that my obsessive thinking isn't really as funny as i think it is.

Actually it isn't funny. It is stressing and draining. I make fun of it because I make fun of everything in life.

I have obsessive compulsive thinking. And sometimes (oftenly) it drasticly affect my life.