Random Messages - 4

Dear him

In case you ever wondered what happened and why did I have to leave the way I did. 

I couldn't tolerate how you treat me anymore. And it isn't how you treat me, treat me in general. It is how you treat the female in me.

My dear, you are demeaning!

Everything you do, everything you say and every way you try to fix what the things you said & did, is demeaning. 

You panic! The moment you feel like I might be interested in you, you panic. And your panic is demeaning. You constantly put me in a position to defend myself and deny that I have feelings for you and this is demeaning.

Why is it demeaning I had to use the word too much?

Because I do have feelings for you! 

Because you have been the happy thought that gets me through my lonely nights.

Because at a moment you were my light at the end of the first tunnel

Because all of the above never meant I would ever want a relationship with you.

Wanna know why?

Because I deserve way more than what you have to offer.

Because I want more than a casual grey relationship

Because I need a man not a ghost and I need to feel loved and appreciated not just an on call sex buddy. 

Dear him, 

I have feelings for you yet I never wanted a relationship. And every time you panic at the idea that I might be wanting a relationship a part of me dies. 

I might be loving you, but I love myself more .. I had to leave.

Random Messages - 3

But none of them really knew me .. None of them cared to do.

Random Messages -2

Dear him

I love you. But you make me feel bad about myself. 

This has to end!

On Wait

People come around. They will all eventually do. Those who argued your political views, those who disagreed with your opinions. They always come around. There is always a moment when they confess that you were right. There is always a day when they preach the things you preached. And they will want the things you wanted years before. They will eventually pursue the relationships they declined, they will show the love you desperately needed.

People will eventually come around, and all what you have to do is wait on them to do.

Yet wait is the most expensive option as life might not wait on you.

Random Messages – 1

Dear Him

I hate you around my period! 

At 1^st I thought it was a mere coincidence then I realized that my feelings for you are as cyclical as my hormones. I like you and I take your shit happily then the hormone logic starts kicking in, and the more it kicks the more you become intolerable!

I hate you! I sincerely hate you! I can’t even breathe because you exist in my world. I want to surgically remove you from my life.

I hate you! Your mere existence pisses me off.

I’d pick up fights, I start contemplating scenarios of cutting you off. I try to keep it down yet sometimes it slips and you see glimpse of the anger … of the hate.

I hate you around my period! And this is a bad sign. 

On Leaps of Faith (Again!)

There is a point in your life when you just stop "leaping", not out of fear or hesitance, But you stop taking leaps because you know better, you have been there and you have done that.

There is a point in your life where you can tell the difference between faith and delusion.

There is a point of your life when the only "wise" thing to do is to stop trying.

Will you do the wise thing and risk standing still, or will you keep moving on and take the "delusional" leap?

Leagues

A male friend of mine likes a female friend. I told him repeatedly that he isn't her type and he keeps asking what her type is then.

What I didn't tell my friend was the fact that girl is way out of his league. She is perfect and he is a mess.

The fact that he doesn't see how much of a mess he is or how perfect she is, is why he will always live with a broken heart and why she will never find true love.

She is perfect, she is out of the average man's league. Yet she always end up with some average man who would hurt her in process of trying to prove he isn't as average as he is and truly deserves a trophy woman such as her.

While he is an average guy who is overestimating himself and believes he deserves nothing less than her perfection.

Life is a cruel place!

Friends and Self Confidence

I am going through an episode of lack of self-confidence. I have been going through it for a while. I can’t really tell when it started, but I know it started small and right now I am suffocating with feeling incompetent.

Let’s first start by stating that usually I am a highly confident person, some would call me arrogant. But I don’t fit the definition of arrogant, I am just confident. The said confidence got shaken repeatedly. I won’t call my life generally a failure, but my love life definitely is. And my love life has been the major source of self-confidence shakes.

With each man and each failure I lost a piece of my self-confidence.  “H” left me totally defeated. I tried rebounding after him but the rebounds added insult to injury. So, for the 1^st time in my life I decided that being single is fine, and not looking is fine. I meet interesting men and I dare not like them, and if I ever liked any of them I dare not show it. I just like them from afar and enjoy the crush till it fades.

I thought that would leave whatever left of my self-confidence safe but little did I know. My self-confidence got deeply shaken because of male friends.

For every time a male friend decides to emotionally approach a girl, all what comes to my mind is why not me. I know friends are friends. I know I never think of them this way, but I just can’t help it.

Why them not me?

And my male friends start listing the things they like about other girls, and I start remembering the things they don’t like about me. And everything comes back to the surface. Everything … Ahmed’s mother, HH’s games, Mohammed’s betrayal, Brad’s turn offs list and even the 5^th and 6^th October incidents with Sameh.

It all hits me in the face.

I am just a friend to them because they never liked me the other way, and though I never liked them the other way it somehow deeply hurts me.

I know I am lonely, I feel defeated. My dry season has been going on since forever. I know I shouldn’t let these feelings get to me. And I know I am risking losing my male friends because of the said episode.

And knowing all these, especially the last fact that probably I am going to lose my male friends because of my feelings, doesn’t make it any better.

I am self-confidence- less.

Well, maybe I have some left, because I managed to write my feelings down and I risked sharing them with the world.

I am having an episode and I don’t know how to help myself out of it.

A Kindly Reminder

Just in case you ever wondered whether or not he cared. The answer is always that he never cared.

Live with it. #KeepSwimming

The Boyfriend Hunt

It was 2005 or maybe 2006 when I decided to be proactive and ask my friends to help me land a decent man. I was desperate and devastated. Before that date I never really had a serious steady relationship, all what I had were men chasing me and two semi "real" relationships.
So I wrote a long "Ad" with the title "Hiring". I listed facts about myself, and the traits I am looking for in a man. I also designated a part to explain why I am in need of such a man. I wrote "I needed a full time friend and I explained how lonely I get and how exhausting it is to live in a world full of men wanting to jump into a girl's pants.
My friends' reactions were disappointing. None of them took me seriously, at least no one I know of, few girls replied that they wish they can write something similar and one replied that she wants in because she is looking for the same thing.
As for the male friends, most of them ignored the message totally and those who replied asked me to stop being silly because I don't need to ask for it, it will happen when it is meant to be. Only one said that he dare not set me up with any of his friends because he fears the consequences on our friendship had the relationship with the guy he chooses fails.

10 years later, I am still at the same point. I am still looking for a decent man and I am still hoping for a serious steady relationship. Up to this moment, none of the men I call Ex are really Ex's. I never had a relationship with any of them. The maximum I had with any of them was a period of intense feelings from my side, a date or two and then he walks away. So, I am old enough to admit that I never had a boyfriend. I never had a real relationship.

I am 36 yrs old and I am looking for a decent man to be my full time friend. Someone to take me the way I am, to love me as much as he can and to stay past the 1st argument and calls after the 1st date.


I don't think I am that appalling and there must be someone out there who shares the same thinking.

I want a relationship, I have been wanting a relationship for the last 10 years. I must be doing something wrong because I am still at the same point. I still get my heart broken because the men I like never like me back, I still get friendzoned, I still get defeated by other women. I am still lonely. And loneliness crushes my heart so hard sometimes.


P.S.
I am sick of having friends who just tag along in wanting to post an Ad like the beautiful one I wrote.