Day in/ Day out

The point is I don't want to do any of the things I am doing.

I didn't want to do any of the things I have done.

But I have to keep doing. I have to keep trying. I have to move on. Because moving on is what rational people do.

Yet I don't want to. I didn't want it to end.

I wanted days with him. I wanted years of us sharing a bed, a couch, a cup of coffee, a book, a bath and a full life.

I wanted to have heated sex and discussions.

I wanted lots of things ... for the very 1st time in my life I knew what i wanted exactly.

But I have to move on. I have to keep doing all the things I don't want to do. I have to stay busy. I have to keep trying.

This is what rational people do!

6 months later ...

I miss him in so many ways ...  It is crippling!

In a perfect world ...

S: Why did you leave?!

H: Because you never really wanted me to stay!

On Loneliness: Definition

There are points in one’s life when something really big happens. Maybe losing a loved one, or seeing one of your dreams coming true.

A moment of pure joy or deep sadness, the type of moment you look around to share with someone. Someone who understands your excitement, someone who will dance a night away to celebrate your happiness. Someone who would hold you tight to ease an unbearable pain.

There are huge moments in one’s life that one needs to share them. They are too big to be lived alone.
When one can’t find someone to share such moments with, that one is officially lonely.

Q.E.D

S.M.A.R.T

He called me smart and that made me cry. I told him that everyone else called me smart. It is becoming more of an offense.

They all called me smart but wanted one thing.

They wanted sex.

He wanted sex too.

So I cried.

They all say they love me, they all call me smart, they all want sex and they all break my heart.

I just want a man who doesn’t call me smart.

I am not smart. Smart women don’t get their hearts broken.

Unnecessary Confession

It is both our fault. We kept saying it was nothing. We pretended it was nothing. And now it had to end & we both know we can't put an end to nothing.
It is something. It had always been something and that's why it had to end. Tragically.

It is both our fault.

Another Pathetic Post

I seriously don't know where to start.

He is getting back to his ex wife.

yes, another guy leaving me for another woman.

He is getting married. The guy who repeatedly said he is anti "marriage" is getting married. and to whom? to the woman who has made him the idea of being in a relationship in the 1st place.

I don't know what exactly do I do to them to make them all get married.

I don't know what do I exactly fix.

He left me without even a goodbye.

He burnt all types of bridges between us.

And he is getting married ...

Mind Games

The last time I had a fruitful talk with my most recent ex. I told him that I didn't analyze him because every time I do I end up thinking negatively of myself.

I deeply "admired" the guy. I was totally under his spell, add this to my deep fear of rejection and you will get all the negative thoughts you could ever find in this world.

It is a long story yet not the point. My point is, I analyze people, situations and myself all the time. 

I compare people, situations and my reactions to things all the time. 

I ask lots of whys. For me life is pretty much a riddle and my aim is to solve it.

A friend of mine used to call my over obsession with analyzing life "mind games". He believed that I played mind games with everyone around me. He couldn't believe me when I repeatedly denied it. The point is, I can't really tell why would people do the things they do. None of them answer when I ask. So, I have to try to figure it out myself.

For instance, I loved this friend for ages. Well, I had deep feelings for him. He was my idea of "life long company". I never fell head over heels for him like I did with my other men. But he could possibly be the hugest heartbreak I ever had. 

Everyone around me knew how I felt for him. It was clear. No one could ever miss the passion. Off course everyone knew expect him. 

Everything I said or did screamed of my feelings yet he didn't start to figure them out till I started to encrypt them. 

He started realizing when it was too late. He got my message only when I went from being stupidly direct to being indifferent and indirect. 

The point is, I don't play games. If I want something I will directly pursue it. 

A common advice that I repeatedly get, "ignore him, he will come crawling to you". It is a widely used mind trick that I never use. I show interest when I mean it and I show indifference when I mean it. 

I believe showing a feeling that you don't have is the worst form of lying. 

If I love someone why would he break my heart for showing interest? And why would he be interested the moment I show I moved on?

I don't play mind games. I wish I was that smart. 

I wish I could show indifference towards the man I love. I wish I could trick him into loving me back. 

I wish I could do lots of things ... 

I wish I was smart enough not to get my heart broken again. 

I wish! 

On That Corner

I am 34. According to my mirror I shouldn’t be feeling the way I am feeling. I have grey hairs, I have wrinkles, I am not 24 anymore. I aged. I am not supposed to feel like this.

I am lonely, I am broken hearted, I am asking the same set of questions I have been asking for years.

I am tried.

I am seriously tired.

I am tired of the endless tears. I am tired of the bad temper. I am tired of the clichés. I am tired of blaming myself.

I am tired of being trapped in this corner.

I am tired of feeling used and cheap.

I am tired of nagging, begging and feeling that I am asking for too much.

I am tired of asking. I shouldn’t be asking.

I shouldn’t be feeling this way.

The problem is, you can mend a broken heart. Once, twice, thrice but then it is soul breaking.

You change, deeply. You don’t lose your self confidence. You simply stop believing in the good in the world.

What’s the point of living then?

My soul is broken. And I don’t know how to mend this.

Status Report

I feel exhausted.

I feel trapped.

I am always feeling the same way.

I feel I am too old for this. I am going on 35, I must be feeling different, I should be having different worries.

I need to get past my feelings, my nagging needs and my hopes & dreams.

I need to kill that little girl hungry for life. 

I need to understand that there are things that are not going to happen.

I feel exhausted .. 

I also realized that not only that I was never the "sweep them of their feet" type but also I was never the "grow on them by time" type.

They all left ... They will all leave.

I am never missed .. 

I am trapped in my feelings ... I am cornered in my needs.

I am so exhausted.