February 11, 2013

Unboxed

No, I am not ok.

I miss you. And I am not ok when I miss you.

And I can't tell you this because if I did you will get scared.

If you get scared you will break my heart.

And I will hate you ...

I don't want to hate you ...

I don't want you to be like those who broke my heart.

I want you to be different.

you are different ...


But I miss you.

I miss you and you think that I want things that will make you uncomfortable.

I don't

I won't

I just want you ...

I miss you.

January 29, 2013

Just do it ...





He feels too old doing what they do ...

She feels too vulnerable having to do it that way they do it ...


They both need a leap of faith, another one. A bigger one.



Just a leap of faith ... into the darkness, into the light.


January 26, 2013

On The Things We See





In the movie “Life of Pi”, the little boy thought the tiger was his friend. He told his father that he saw a soul in the tiger’s eyes. His father warned him that animals have no souls and whatever he sees in the tiger’s eyes are the reflections of his own feelings.


What if you are with someone and you feel too happy and you look him in the eye and you see that he is happy too. What if that was one of the happiest times you had in your life.
What if you lived under the impression that both of you were equally happy, because you have seen happiness in their eyes.


What if it wasn't there?


What if you only saw happiness because you were happy? What if what that person had was just a blank stare that your subconscious translated as a happy look because you needed it to be a happy look?


How would you know?


How can you possibly tell that whatever you are seeing is real and not just a reflection of your feelings?

January 16, 2013

Messages from Cloud Nine -1

Then came the moment when I realized that I haven't been happier in my whole life.

It was a rare moment of pure joy.

I was flying and no power on this earth was enough to bring me down.

The only thought that could possibly bring me back six feet under the ground is questioning the reality of the moment.

Was it real?

This is the only question that matters.

Nothing else matters if that moment was real.

December 17, 2012

Something that needed to be said

It is 2.15 am and I have been crying for an hour. My plan was to read myself to sleep but instead I ended up crying myself to sleep. I am still choking on tears. And I don't know whether or not I can sleep tonight.

Why I am crying? Probably I ran out of friends. Well, I have plenty of friends. But I don't feel any of them has been understanding me recently. They are annoying. They are annoying with all their advices and tips. With all their sympathy and empathy. They are annoying because they are cold.

I know it is anger talk, but I am lonely. And I feel trapped. And I can't see a point in living ... really.

I don't want to work. I don't want to get married. I don't want to have kids. I am not even doing the things I used to do. I barely read. I stopped blogging. It takes a miracle to get me out to do anything. I am always short tempered. I am picking on fights with everyone. And i am crying myself to sleep.


I am drained. I am drained. I have no energy to explain how or why. I don't want to explain. I am just drained. And I can't wish to die because I don't want to die. I want to live. Really, all what I want is to live. But there is no point in living.

And I am lonely.

I am drained.

And people are dense.

I ran out of means of "self recharging".


There is no point in living

yet I am breathing!

People are really too dense I prefer being alone.
People are too dense I stopped telling them things.
People are really dense, they can't keep their advices to their own.

I am lonely, I am drained and I am crying myself to sleep.



December 13, 2012

Egypt: 12-12-12




Four years ago I wrote that chances that we get an “Islamic republic of Egypt” are next to null. It was so clear that the fight to get an “Islamic Egypt” is peaking and I took the side of believing in Egyptians. I chose to believe a myth about “Egyptian Religion Tolerance” which is something we say but any of us know it wasn’t true all the time.


Four years ago anyone would tell you Egypt is heading into the unknown at full speed. In late 2009 everyone would sense 2010 will be the year of “change”. And it wasn’t till late 2010 when the Tunisians decided to take down Ben Ali when my "La Révolution en Rouge" worries became real.


Egypt was about to explode and I had nothing to do. I told everyone I know that what’s going to happen is wrong. I went into denial believing that we have responsible government who would listen and act to serve the people. I am calling it denial because I have been talking about the signs of lack of governance. I was in denial because I knew the state was failing yet I “hoped” they will step up to the situation.


And then it happened. The “revolution” happened. The change everyone knew will come and no one dared to stop or control. In my humble opinion what happened in Jan25 2011 wasn’t a revolution. It was more of a televised coup, a coup that many sold as a move in favor of the rule of law, equality, justice and supposedly other good things.  It was nothing more a televised coup but people called it “public revolution” and theorized for the role of “innocent youth” and “un-politicized” masses.


Two years of theorizing for how “inspiring” the “peaceful revolution” was. Two years of circulating false readings to positions and political scene in the media and among “political elites”. Two years that got us to where we are now.


Where are we now?


At this very moment we are half step away from hell. Let me explain. Right now we have an “Islamist” president. A president who belongs to an “organization” that’s illegitimate, secret and armed! A president who took an oath to serve and protect a constitution then woke up one day deciding he won’t. A president who doesn’t respect law, and who said I am law and I am immune. A president who is now the executive, legislative and judiciary branches of state. A president who called his opposition traitors and sent the “militia” of his “secret” organization to kill them in front of his palace. a president who is fighting everything and everyone to get a constitution draft to referendum. A referendum that judges refused to supervise and the government has no idea how to organize.


A president who is doing his best so the people of Egypt submit to him and his organization. And whoever “thinks” this isn’t how things should be done has no place in this country.


This is where we are.

The televised coup succeed in being a “revolution” as it got rid of a said to be “autocratic” state and replaced it with an “autocratic” and “theocratic” one.

Right now, Egypt is being taken over by the “secret” organization. And I am not very optimistic about it.
The president with his “decree” attacked the “judiciary” and claimed it his. The judges are fighting for their independence. They are escalating into a full civil disobedience.

The referendum is still taking place, thought right now all signs show it will be rigged. Yet the “President” and his “organization” are still pushing to have it on time and one more time he issued more “God Powers” decrees to make the “referendum” happens.

The “president” and his “organization” are playing on time. They believe that people will give in to submission if held on to their places for long.


The “president” and his “organization” are playing the “sectarian” card. They are calling their opposition “Christians”. Not only they are threatening “minority rights” by their proposed constitution ( if we assumed Christians are a minority just for the sake of argument) but also they are calling in the majority to “act” on sectarian basis.


The “president” and his “organization” are also playing the “classes” card. They are calling their opposition “rich”. In a country with a troubled economy like Egypt and with no sign of improvement soon, they are calling for the poor to take things on their own hands. They are calling or maybe threatening a “hunger revolution” had the Egyptian didn’t submit to their will.

The judges are 1st, then will come the turn for the army and every other thing in what used to be called Egypt. The Islamists will take down the state one institution after the other, and will “Islamize” the society one law after the other. And whoever thinks differently, will have the “militias” to deal with him.
The point is, in order for them to take down Egypt they will have to take down lots of Egyptians in the way. They will happily do it. And as they do it, in theory they will lose which will make their fall inevitable.

But in theory too, we will all be dead by the time they fall.



November 05, 2012

On that kiss of life ...




Him: I want one kiss

Her: *Silence*

Him: Seriously, all what I want is one kiss. I love you. I won’t ask for more. Just kiss me. One last time.

Her: No. I can’t. I won’t.

Him: Why?

Her: Because I want more. I want more than a kiss. I want kisses. I want hugs. I want sex … I want love!

Him: *Silence*

Her: I want more … I need more! I want to live. And you can’t offer me life.


October 28, 2012

Episodes of loneliness - On fading out



I can't remember how you smelled.

I can't remember what type of cigarettes you smoke.

I can't remember how your eyes looked gazing into mine.

I can't remember what you wore.

I can't remember how warm/ cold your hands were.

I can't remember how my hand felt in yours.

Your voice keeps fading in my mind I fear one day I won't be able to recognize it.

You are turning into a ghost of a memory.

I am scared ... Don't let me go.





October 10, 2012

Flashes from another life -1



S: (in tears) I don't want to die ...

H: (hugging her tightly) hushhh ...

October 04, 2012