Like The Sun That Comes Out After A Terrible Storm

P.S.
I Miss You, you know who you are

The Proofs of Love

The other night during one of HH’s sessions to brainwash me he said he loves me to an extent that I could never understand. I said I guess I loved him more. He paused for a moment and replied “you will never know” and after a longer pause he said “you can never know”.
What he said that night seemed to be an answer for a question that have always popped into my mind. People have always said they loved me, but I couldn’t ever find a proof for that love. Maybe I couldn’t because love is undefined and it is not easy to proof something that is foggily defined.
People have always said it is something that you would feel. Which is true to a point as feelings might fail us sometimes. Feelings are good up to the point our minds give in. and yet again the question will rise, if that really love? How would anyone tell?
The answer was on my bathroom shelf. I have always reached for the same shampoo; I loved the way it smelled. People tried convincing me that other brands might be better for my hair, but I just loved my shampoo so that’s why I have always preferred it. So the answer my bathroom shelf gave me was “love is preference”. Love is when you prefer something/ someone over anything else regardless how good it really is. You prefer it for a reason that is good enough for you. I took the shelf’s answer and went to dine with a friend. And though I am still following a diet I couldn’t resist trying the cheesecake. That cheesecake cave me another answer, love is when you enjoy while compromising. I had to walk back home to burn those extra calories. That cheesecake was worth every step I walked. I didn’t mind sacrificing effort and time. So love is in sacrifice and compromise. So now it was in preference, sacrifice and compromise. I looked around me and saw how my sister have gone through all my moods and managed surfing my waves. No one else would have tolerated my ups and downs. Not on a daily basis not when these moods change every other minute. The answer my sister gave me was love is in tolerance and co-existing.
So, till now love is made of preference, sacrifice, compromise and tolerance. I looked at my dad’s version of love, while he keeps forgiving. I listened to a distant relative saying that my mother was on her bed, battling cancer and literally dying. My mother didn’t ask our relative to pray for her. She asked her to pray for her husband and little kids. For my mother we were her priority. She’d put us ahead of her own interest. So love isn’t only preference it is also when you put someone as a priority. It is not only in sacrifice, tolerance and compromise. It is also when you forgive. It is when fresh starts are always an option.
When my brother and sister got me a new cell phone in my birthday, when they gave the new gold bracelet, when Essam called to listen to me crying for an hour after Brad’s disappearance, when Sameh blames me for the stupid things I do, when Roka keeps calling to get me out of the cave, when Fatma always remember and always know. And when Safaa bought me the earrings I wanted and when she said that she wants me to know that she loves me more than any of the creepy men in my life and she will always be around regardless how far she might be going. These are all proofs of love. They all drew a smile on my face when I thought the whole world is against me. They have gave me the confidence others deprived me from. The all reached a hand when they thought I might be falling. They proved love without letting me even wonder. They didn’t say a word. They said it all when they said nothing at all.
They have done this all without expecting a return. They did it for love.
So next time you say you love me, think twice. I need no words. Love is something best said when no words are spoken.

P.S.

Thanks my friends for always proving that I was right when I said, love resides elsewhere.

An Egyptian scene: 1 – Sexual Harassment

Recently, my HH started being annoying in a different way. He has started to be worried about me because I go out alone a lot. He started to be pushy and always offering me a ride whenever he learns that I am alone on the street. He started telling me stories about girls who got raped. I didn’t pay attention neither to his stories nor to his worries. I have always doubted that these stories might be his fantasies. And his worries might be just another way to get a step closer to me. I didn’t pay attention because I believed it might be bad on the street but yet it is still safe.
As a girl in the Egyptian community my history with sexual harassment started as early as I started growing breasts. And as a girl in the Egyptian community my mother taught me to never listen to those dirty comments “bad people” will say. My mother told me whatever happens, keep on walking. It mostly worked fine with me. Even in the few times when I felt really scared I have always found someone appearing from nowhere as a guarding angel. I still remember that day when I was in my way back from school and a group of boys started forming a circle around me and from the blue a giant officer appeared, walked beside me as if he was my own bodyguard and when the boys where gone he was gone too.
As I grew older harassments started to get harsher. Instead of calling me beauty, some guys started calling me sexy. And from sexy they took it to sex. I know this might be shocking but Egyptian men don’t stop at the point of calling a woman a beauty or even sexy. They don’t stop at the point of complementing her body, or even describing that body in a dirty way. Our dear Egyptian sex-maniacs had taken this a step further and they actually say dirty things in a dirty way in public. (I can’t have proper words to describe such kinds of harassments but imagine a guy who is looking straight into your eyes and telling you how he would like to “DO” you)
I kept my mother’s advice and I kept ignoring. I even elaborated on this trick and I started walking in zigzags to avoid walking on the same side with men. I covered up and I actually walk like the Nazi army. I have a restrict policy about using public transportation “I DON’T USE IT”. And when I felt the circle is tightening and nothing really is working I stopped going out.
But as I said before, as an Egyptian female in the Egyptian community I knew the picture was bad but I still believed it was safe as those sex-maniacs never crossed the bad mouthing point. I admit that there were a couple of tries to touch but a couple of tries to touch out of thousands of dirty talks is a percentage that can be neglected.
Today my whole view about that Egyptian scene has changed. Today was just another day when I couldn’t find an excuse to keep at home and I had to go bring some stuff with my cousin. We did and we decided to walk for a while.(as far as I can remember it is not against constitution to go for a walk!) It was nice, only few harmless comments which Egyptian girls are well trained to ignore. Then something different happened. A guy who is 40-50 years old started following us. He started off the same way his siblings do. At first it was only words, dirty words that started getting dirtier. Then he started addressing me and asking me to do him things. So, I told my cousin to hurry up as I spotted a couple walking ahead of us and for me they were the safe shore. But when we started walking faster, he started walking faster. And I almost felt his dirty breath on my back. My cousin turned yellow and she started holding onto my hands. And she was a minute away of having a panic attack. At this very point I decided it was time to feed the beast inside me. I asked my cousin to stay where she is and I turned to face that guy. I yelled at him. He first stared at me with astonishment and trying to keep saying his dirty words asking me to do him dirty things so I took one step forward yelling at him. He ran and I started chasing him. He ran like a rat with his little tail. He stopped middle way re-thinking his position and I made myself clear by taking one more step forward and yelling one more time. And that was when he disappeared.
I got back to my scared cousin who was still in shock, not only because of what that man did but because of how I reacted. I told her that in such situations a girl should never get scared. Whenever in a similar situation always know that he is scared more than you are. He is just a thief who is trying to steal something. Treat him like a barking dog because he is one. And always keep on your way.
I knew the picture wasn’t that bad when I saw a car that stopped by and the driver kept an eye to check if we managed. I knew that the scene might have hope in the couple who were walking ahead of us. I would have felt safe if that car driver got off his car and acted the same way my giant officer guarding angel acted. But seems that back then I had a guarding angel because I was young and now I am old enough to guard myself.
I am fine, if any of you wondered. But I just can’t stop thinking about Egypt. I just can’t stop thinking about the future. We are really moving from worse to worst. This time I had the courage to yell and it was only one bad guy. What if there were two of them. What if it was a group? What were going to be my chances of winning?
There are multiple laws against sexual harassment in Egypt. But none is really effective because the sanctions are really lame. And the process of proving the harassment is almost impossible and humiliating. Not to mention that the woman might be exposed to other harassments from the law enforcers (yeah, bad people are everywhere).
I have been thinking of writing about my dreams for Egypt. I have always joked that I wanted to rule Egypt for three months and I can change Egypt completely if I ruled for a year. And I don’t think this is impossible. Because we can change Egypt if we put law into action, if we changed the laws and enforced them on every Egyptian without exception we will have a better Egypt. We can have Egypt free of sexual harassment if we put a law to punish whomever who sexually harass a woman by cutting off his penis. (Yes you have read it right)
My other cousin told me a nice story about the Ukrainians (ex soviets, God bless the old red giant). She was there on a business trip and she noticed that everyone pays the bus ticket promptly without a faire collector and as this is not the case back home she joked that if this was ever the case in Egypt the bus company would have went bankrupt because none was ever to pay. They replied, that they were used to do this since the WWII. As back then when all the men went to war, having someone to collect tickets in a bus was a luxury that the government couldn’t afford. So the rule was set, that whoever got into the bus pays. And if anyone to be caught without a ticket he will be punished. My cousin laughed and said and what’s new. He will simply pay the fine. They laughed and replied, no the punishment wasn’t a fine the punishment was a bullet.
I personally don’t believe that Egyptians will ever change by paying huge fines. Egypt won’t change if we placed people behind bars. We can only change Egypt if we punished those who break the rules by extreme punishments. Punishments that take place in public television to make sure everyone knows it is for real. If the word got spread on the street that whoever gets his penis out rubbing it asking a girl to fix him and sallow will be punished by cutting off this very little piece of meat, I am sure men will think twice.
If you really want to save Egypt, go to the extreme.
That was Shimaa Gamal reporting about one of the Egyptian scenes.
Over and Out
P.S.
I feel disgusted

For Those Who Don’t Care

Being the other woman was never an easy job. To be the other woman, a woman should posses a high degree of self confidence. To be the other woman, a woman should always have a strong belief in her man. She has always to be confident that no other woman could take her man off her. She has always to be confident that he has chosen her over the world and preferred her even when he was supposed to be taken. She has always to believe in him. She has always to believe that he is always true to her. And whatever he gives of reasons to justify putting her in the shades is real. To be the other woman, a woman should always be completely independent. Only an independent woman can live with the fact that the man she depends on isn’t really there for her when she needs him. Only an independent woman can keep a man satisfied by being needed and never ask that man to fulfill his promises. To be the other woman, a woman should always be courageous. A woman should always be ready to face the blames of friends, family, strangers and eventually her man. To be the other woman, a woman should be creative. A woman should always find a way to warm up her bed in the cold nights because her man is busy warming up someone else’s. A woman should always find a way to speak up her mind when there is no one to listen. A woman should always find a way to know how to wait without feeling abandoned.
To be the other, a woman should always be kind. A woman will be happy for her man’s happiness. A woman will be happy seeing her man’s children growing up. A woman should posses enough kindness to love these children as her own.
To be the other woman, a woman should always be tolerant. As being the other woman, hurt and loneliness will always be her only friends.
It was never easy to be the other woman. It was never easy to live with the fact that someone who says he loves you have chosen someone over you. It was never easy to live every day as a new day. It was never easy to go to bed wondering if he will ever call in the morning. It was never easy to be scared and he is the last to be put on the speed dial. It was never easy to know that hope was never an option. It was never easy to stay in the time you know he has already left.

Quote of The Day

If you do what you've always done, you'll get what you've always gotten.

Tony Robbins

No Comment :(

To Warm Things Up

I have been trying to write something but I found out that it would be better if I warmed things up first with some quotes I liked
Enjoy


• [A] husband who can cook is not at all the same thing as a husband who can shop, prepare, and assemble ingredients, and clean up the mess after the great burst of creativity." Mary-Jo Fitzgerald, Marriage and the male animal

• Now non-Indian people think they know all about arranged marriages. 'So I hear that when you're born, the first thing your parents do is chose a nice girl for you to marry when you're old enough.' 'No, No! It doesn't work like that. Arranged marriages are more like going to a car show. Your dad lets you look at, and compare all the cars. 'Oh that one is nice. You would like that one, you like it? Ya, you are going to get that one.' - 'Don't I get to test drive it?' - 'No, not now, wait until you are married, then you can test drive it all you want. Russell Peters

• There's nothing a woman hates more than her fiancé’s best friend. He knows all the secrets she's going to spend the rest of her life trying to find out. Jeff Douglas line in the musical Brigadoon

• He's a wonderful first husband. ~ James Goldsmith, on his daughter Jemima's marriage to Imran Khan

• I first learned the concepts of non-violence in my marriage. ~ Mohandas Gandhi

• Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings...and lawyers. ~ Richard Pryor

• Nearly all marriages, even happy ones, are mistakes: in the sense that almost certainly (in a more perfect world, or even with a little more care in this very imperfect one) both partners might be found more suitable mates. But the real soul-mate is the one you are actually married to. ~ J. R. R. Tolkien, Letter to Michael Tolkien, March, 1941

• On rare occasions one does hear of a miraculous case of a married couple falling in love after marriage, but on close examination it will be found that it is a mere adjustment to the inevitable. ~ Emma Goldman

• The concept of marriage must have been thought up by an unimaginative pig. ~ Albert Einstein
• There's only one way to have a happy marriage and as soon as I learn what it is I'll get married again. ~ Clint Eastwood

• Thus Dante's motto over Inferno applies with equal force to marriage: Ye who enter here leave all hope behind. ~ Emma Goldman

• You only know what happiness is once you're married. But then it's too late. ~ Peter Sellers

• Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. - Oscar Wilde

• The one charm about marriage is that it makes a life of deception absolutely necessary for both parties. - Oscar Wilde

• No one can consider themselves truly married until they understand every word their spouse is not saying. - Lord Mancroft

• A man is incomplete until he marries - then he is finished. - Unknown

• You don't marry someone you can live with, you marry the person who you cannot live without. – Unknown

• Never marry someone whom you wouldn't want to be divorced from. – Unknown

• Marriage is like falling into a black hole, you only want to do it with someone that you can take a long ride with. - Unknown

They Just Don't Trust What They Can't Explain

The Two Rings – Status Update

I know I might have said this like 100 times before but I won’t stop saying it. I don’t know how I was going to pull through if I didn’t have Sameh in my life. Up to this moment he is the living proof that I can still attract decent and respectable men. I can still have friendship that’s not biased at any level with malicious thoughts.
My sweet friend Sameh called me last night. He was checking on me. Earlier I sent him an SMS saying that I am extremely depressed which has been the case ever since he has known me. I have always been depressed and moaning. Or at least this is as far as I can remember. Anyway, he asked the typical question “how are things going with you?” I gave him my typical answer that I have been giving to people for little around 8 years now, “Nothing new”. I laughed telling him that my life is all about two circles. These two circles get repeated in the same routine over and over and over. Nothing could ever be new. I go through the very same problems and I give the very same reactions and I always end up where I started.
I have the “HH” circle and the “family” circle. As I am writing this I discovered that these two circles are extremely similar. Both are abusive, both never take no as an answer and both are a die hard.
On the “HH” side nothing is really new, it is the very same scenario but with different lines. I had laid a plan to kick the “HH” addiction out of my life. I thought that my plan worked till I found out that this plan has a little draw back which was HH’s reaction. The plan was simple and naïve counting on his arrogance and the fact that he will never think I will ever have the courage to try to get him off my life. I wanted him to take the step; I used the things he used to say that he hates about me. I nagged, then I nagged and when he thought I was done nagging I nagged again. I put him in the famous corner “marry me or I will be off to another relation” and that was when he gave up. I couldn’t even believe that he had given up for such a silly old trick so I topped my cake of lies with the cherry of declaring my engagement. He bought it and when I was done celebrating the rise of the sun after a long era of darkness I discovered that my persisting shadow wasn’t gone in the first place. He was just taking a break of my nagging. He was back with a smile and an offer. He wanted to be the other man. But I couldn’t live with the fact that he believes I am no better than him and that I am just a naturally born cheater so I came clean with him and I confessed that the whole engagement thing was a lie to blow up his lies.
And so, here I am trying to catch up with the tunes of what I hope to be my last waltz with HH. I am back to exactly where I started.
On the family side, nothing is really new. I just want to declare that I have a wonderful loving family. I still have to admit that there are things that I hate about my family but who doesn’t. And the family circle isn’t about family affairs. It is about work. As my ex-boss was my uncle.
This circle started little before the HH circle. I got graduated and I had high hopes and we all know how hopes are the only way to disappointments. So, I couldn’t find a decent job. I couldn’t find any kind of job. I was either over qualified or under qualified. And my dad wasn’t that patient to leave me hunting my Red October. He decided that I should start working for him. My dad has a little business in the field of contracting and construction along with my uncle. I didn’t like things there. My dad wasn’t my type of boss. He gave me assignments not jobs. He has always had someone else do the job and I felt like that everyone there was baby sitting me. I packed my bag of hopes and I was off to a career switching program. Later, again I fell under the catch 22 spell. I wasn’t experienced in the time they needed experience. And that was my second time to get back to my dad and uncle’s little place. I didn’t stay for long as I was off to other jobs, it all ended dramatically; even one of the companies went bankrupt. And again I was back to the little place but this time my uncle decided to use my qualifications. He found a way to use my English proficiency, my computer proficiency, my accounting knowledge and my financial courses. It was fun. I made things out of nothing. I laid systems and people had to follow. It was a perfect environment for a spider like me. Everything had my print. But as everything in life, it isn’t always that good. My sweet uncle started abusing me. I started to work extra long hours. I had to be the 1st to go and the last to leave. I couldn’t take a vacation for two years because if I did who will do the work. I was completely underpaid. And when I asked for help he didn’t bring me an assistant he promoted someone who used to work under me to be my boss. And that was the straw the broke the camel’s back. I simply left. I said no and I meant it.
The tricky thing for working for your family is that everyone thinks that I get a special treatment because we share the same blood. But the truth is, when you work for your family you put your personal relation at stake. Little work problems always turned to be huge family problems. Family gatherings were business meetings. They abused me with the name of the family’s best interest. The problem with working with family is that you will always be wrong because they are older and they know what’s best for you and for the family.
I was off and it was the worst break-up I ever had in my life. I was off and he didn’t even consider apologizing. He asked every possible person on this world to ask me to come back (he wanted me back because who else was going to do the work) but he never did the call. Now after 14 months. After getting 6 employees and a manager to do the job I used to do. He wants me back. He said he is having major expansions and he wants a family member to watch his back. Can anyone spot a pattern here?
I just don’t know what’s so tempting about me for people to try to abuse me. Why if not sex it will be business?
Honestly, I have lost my faith in people. I have real problems trusting. I have turned to be a paranoid creature who expects a stab whenever someone smiles to me. These two circles have really left me with nothing to hold on.
I remember the last time I met Brad when I poured my worries into his ears. I told him that I need a change. He wondered if I need someone new. I replied I just need something new. Now I guess I know what I need. I need a new circle. I need to break these two circles for good. I spent all my sweet twenties in an on/off relation with HH and with my family business. I don’t want to waste my thirties fighting the same old battles and losing for the same old reasons.
That was Shimaa Gamal reporting about the two rings
Over and Out.

To Whom It May Concern

There is a point where you know that you have hurt someone so much and there will be nothing left to prove your love but let go!!

Tell Him!!