Random Messages - 44

You want to know how do I feel?

My plant is dying and instead of trying to save it I  decided to let it go.

It is a 10 yrs old companionship between me and her. I was about to lose it few years ago. But i did everything to save it.
I managed to get it back and it grew tall and bigger. Now it is dying one more time. But I have no energy to save it.

My plant is dying and I have no energy to save it. This is how I feel right now.

Random Messages - 43

I miss him.

What do I miss the most?

He made life bearable. He made me less angry. He eased the everyday annoyances.

Life was easier when he was around. And now as he's gone, I am twice as annoyed as used to be.

I am annoyed because I miss him. I am annoyed because I can't scream it away. And I am annoyed because I am always annoyed.

Life is annoying and he used to make it bearable.

Pages from a Torn Diary - Betrayal

When "H" broke up with me I was in so much pain. One day I will be able to reflect on why H was that painful. After all, he was nothing but an ordinary man. Just another story. Yet, his story left me sore, too sore it still hurts today.

Anyway, so amid the pain I got a phone call from a friend. I knew that friend had feelings for me. I knew about his feelings not only because I felt it but because he told me more than once about those feelings.

Me and him were never going to happen or work. So I repeatedly told him that we'd better stay friends.

But he had the habit of calling whenever he sensed from the things I wrote that I am not feeling ok. So he called after H. And I was crying, I used to cry all the time after H.

Anyway, he comforted me and listened as a good friend would do. Then he reopened the subject of "us". I replied that I am broken and I will be using him if I said yes. He said, no. One day you will know that I am the one using you and not the oppositte.

I gave him a try.

It was a one time sort of date. He then pulled back. I needed emotional support, and he wasn't ready to give any. He acted just like any of the other men I had in my life. He wanted to be available only when he wanted to be available.

I was really disappointed in what he did but instead of blaming him I downgraded him from the friend status to the someone I used to know status.

He betrayed me.

And this is the point. We go through phases of our lives when we are vulnerable to different types of predators. We build defenses to keep the devils away. Friends are supposed to be one of our lines of defenses. So when he allowed himself to "use" a clear weakness. When he allowed himself to offer things that he has no plans to fulfill just to get me to do something I wouldn't have done if I weren't in that emotional state, he did nothing but betraying me.

We are not supposed to betray people's trust. We are not supposed to exploit our friends' vulnerabilities.

Random Messages - 42

I am angry. I am sad. I am confused.
I am not ok. And the worst part is I am not ok for the same reasons I haven't been ok for the last 10 years. The only differnce it just gets heavier.

I feel old and incapable.

I am not ok.

I am angry and more importantly I am sad.

A broken thing just got more broken. Which is sad. And the saddest part of being sad is being unable to say why I am sad.
The saddest part is that no one would have anything better than "you deserve it" to comfort me.

I am angry and sad. I feel old. I feel too old. And life is definetly futile right now.

Life is unbearably absurd.

Random Messages - 41

Always remember that love is nothing but an addiction. 

It is always useful to keep in mind that your heart isn't broken, you are just going through the painful withdrawal period. 

You will be fine. You will sober up. You will feel no pain one day. Just make sure never to come across the addictive substance again.

Love is nothing but addiction. 

Random Messages - 40

I am sad. 

Sincerity

- Do you love him?

- I never did. My feelings for him had always been as sincere as his feelings for me.

- But he loved you!

- If you say so. 

Random Messages - 39

Same shit, different name!

Chip Chop

Few years ago while driving me home H brought up my writings. He sort of blamed me. He said that I implicitly ask for things that he can't offer. I still remember how I reacted. I moved from happy and calm to crazily angry in a blink of an eye.
I told him that I wasn't asking for things. And I write because writing is the only thing I have. And I can't just hide my needs because he might read and feel uncomfortable. He said he understands and it is ok.

I don't know whether or not it was really ok. But I don't remember I ever censored myself for him.

After him the question of self censorship was posed repeatedly.

I have been censoring myself to please. I have been hiding my real thoughts and feelings so that others keep living happily in their lives.

Sometimes I wonder how H managed to keep following what I write regardless how uncomfortable it made him feel.

Sometimes I feel that I should let him know that I am grateful for not trying to censor my feelings to keep his unharmed.

Sometimes I feel I owe him an apology. But I don't apologize for being myself. I am who I am.

And this- writing every thought and feeling I have - is what I am. I don't apologize for this. And I won't change this.


P.S.
Thanks H ♡  

That Thing

When he initiated our "New Phase" I told him exactly how we will end. That "New Phase" wouldn't have been possible if it wasn't for how he reacted to my "prophecy". He dismissed my worries and assured me that nothing that I fear will happen.

Did I believe him?

I did. And it wasn't related to the regular mechanism of men and women relationships. I believed him because he was "him". I have always taken what he says for granted. I trust him, I trust his views of things and I have always thought that he, of all people, will never advise me to do something against my best interest.

The point about him was never that I see him as a man, he has always been the friend, the family, and the respected figure. He held a place in my heart that no one else held. So when he dismissed my fears, I automatically believed him. I believed him, randomly tested the said belief and he passed every test.

So when he suddenly said he was lying. I couldn't just believe it. I went into denial. Accepting the fact he is nothing but a liar wasn't easy. If he lied in one thing that means he lied about everything. That's years of "blind" trust at stake. So I happily denied what he admitted, and intentionally ignored the little things he's done that all screamed "you were too stupid to trust me".

Denial was more about me not about him. I couldn't deal with the consequences of discovering that I have been wrong when I treated him as family in the 1st place.

Denial was more about the fact that I will never understand his motives. He was held dear, in a place that I would kill to have in someone's life. Why would he intentionally lose that? Why lie? Why wouldn't he think about how this will leave me?

Why did he had to dismiss my worries?

I will never know. And I will have to deal with something more than "a heart break". I will have to deal with losing a friend, someone I considered family, and someone I always thought will have my back.
I will have to deal with how naive I can be. I will have to forgive myself for letting me down.

I feel betrayed, and the worst part is that I can't really blame him for it. I feel betrayed, because I betrayed myself the moment I trusted him.

I should have known better. I should have managed things differently. I shouldn't have tried to keep his image untainted. I shouldn't have done the things I have done because they didn't change the outcome anyway.


This too shall pass .. I hope!

My Every Man!

I occasionally get trapped into a thought, whom of my men should I consider an ex?

Typically an ex is someone you have had a relationship with. Which makes the next logical question what defines a relationship?

Is it going steady with someone? Is it exploring potential with someone? Is it agreeing on future plans with someone? Is it dedicating time/ feelings to someone?

How do you define a relationship? Does the definition need to be mutual or you can call something a relationship while the other party calls it a fling?

Are flings a form of relationships?

Anyway, I don't know about you but I don't count "flings" as relationships. I won't call a guy I dated few times an ex too. I will only call those men I took seriously exs. A relationship is where I dedicated my time and my feelings to explore future potential with a certain man.

How many of these did I have?

A lot! You need the fingers in both your hands to count them.

What do they all have in common?

Other than innovatively breaking my heart?! Well, I think they all came into my life for the experience. Something about getting into my life and attempting different ways to break me seems to be irresistible. They all intentionally came into my life with no intention but breaking my heart.

It is so clear now, and what is really painful is that sometimes I saw the mess happening yet took the leap of faith anyway. What is really painful is that I took them seriously in the time I shouldn't have done that.

They were all in for the game. I wonder when will this game be over.

I am drained!

Random Messages - 38

I dream of the exs. I call those dreams nightmares though the only thing nightmare-ish about them is the fact they are too pleasant.

I dream pleasant dreams of my exs where each of them make up for his faults.

Nightmare!