When Daddy died all my men kept their distance. No one showed up. They offered "remote" support. In fact they offer "text" condolences and disappeared.
I waited for them to show up, I needed them to show up. Yet they left me alone.
My friends on the other hand showed up
Each and every one of them. Even those I have lost contact with for ages, and those I barely know. I was showered with love.
While the men I gave all my love to denied me a little in return.
One of them later on told me that he didn't come because he thought i might not be able to act wisely. He feared that i might have cried in his arms or something like that. He feared we/ he would have needed to explain why of all other people I chose his arms to cry in.
I didn't cry in anyone's arms.
And I was showered with love he couldn't afford giving me.
Last night I cried myself to sleep. I wasn't lonely, I stopped feeling lonely. I cried because life was way unbearable. And I couldn't find ways to deal with it.
I had a squence of nightmares, he was there and all my insecurities was there too.
I am alone. It is ok, but sometimes life is way too unbearable.