May 26, 2010

. . .

I feel like fighting with someone. I want to fight. I have all these things that I want to say but I simply can’t. I can’t even talk about it with anyone I know. In simple words I am defeated and I have no energy to address the wounds.

If it was up to me, I would have died. If it was up to me I would have vanished. If it was up to me I would have stopped the time because I don’t think I can take whatever is coming my way.

But it is not up to me. It was never up to me. I can’t stop time, I can’t vanish and I can’t choose to die. So here I wait with my wounds for more to come my way.

Here I wait patiently because patience is the only thing I can.

May 23, 2010

It's Now or Never

That was supposed to be easy. I remember how easy it was to just write. I remember that I even had the guts to write about my lack of ideas. Now, it is the hardest I could ever do. And it isn’t that I am lacking ideas. As a matter of fact my head is too full that I am suffering from headaches that I try to kill with food but then they grow bigger because food makes everything big from your hips to your headaches.

So where should I begin. Should I begin with the inevitable talk about the Egyptian sociopolitical scene? Should I tell everyone to take a deep breath and stop playing neutral because no one really is? Should I plainly state that the Egyptian problem lies in having a population with ideas that are on the extreme left of things in the time ruled by an almost extreme right elites. And if there is any chance for Egypt to get out of the absurdity trap it will be for people like me (and you who are reading this) to start taking real sides instead of playing middle of the way cards. Because the painful truth is, no one is really on the middle of the way.

Each of us is slightly tilted to a side and that’s exactly what will make a difference. So, for instance, if you are pro free market be pro free market and for God’s sake stop talking about massive government intervention in economy. If you are pro controlled market please stop your regular visits to the hyper market because this consuming behavior and the unlimited choices the hyper market is offering are against your beliefs!

Or should I begin by explaining where Egypt was economic wise and where it is now? Should I start analyzing the Mubarak era or should I wait till after the next elections. Should I defend him in the time everyone seems to attack him or should I join the opposition forces? Should I even start by how lame the Egyptian opposition is!

But no, I don’t think politics is something that I should start with. Politics is boring, who would want to read another Egyptian analyzing Egypt?!

And this is exactly why writing is becoming harder. Writing is my thing. It’s been my thing since I learned how to put words into a sentence. Before that talking was my thing. Which I still believe is my thing, regardless the occasional stutter, and that I would make a great lecturer if only I could only lecture educated people who are extremely interested in listening to my views.

So, before creating this blog I almost begged people to read me, and I still occasionally do. But after a while from having this blog I started having absolutely random people interested in whatever I write. I started having friends because of that nonsense I write, people who shared the same views or even not. People who thought I am worth knowing in person because of whatever I write.

The feeling that a complete stranger finds you genuinely interesting because of your thoughts is one of the best feelings that a person can ever feel. It is flattering in every possible way. It mends lots of the tears in self confidence. Yet though that good, it is pressuring in a way.

Honestly, I don’t want to bore you. I know I am repeating myself and I know that you have assured me over and over that whatever those people who ever dared to call me shallow or call me too deep are wrong. And I know that I know that these two persons actually contradicted one another. I can’t be shallow using big words. Well, now as I write this I think I can! But I know that I shouldn’t let anything or anyone get in my way of doing the things I like.

After all, I am who I am. I can’t please everyone and if I miraculously managed to do, I won’t be able to do it all the time.

But I am an imperfect person looking for perfection. So rather than writing about change, choices, friendship, relationships, dreams, crushes, juggling, Cairo, exposure, love, children, provoking people, Islam, Egypt, things that make me cry, love(again), surrendering, rejection, hidden messages, alienation, religions, more X & Y unspoken conversations, people as means of entertainment, life, the “Shalabya” paradox and my most favorite topic of writing “Me”. Here I am wasting my and your time learning how to crawl after walking for more miles than I can count. All is because of my issues that I’d rather be writing about too.

The not writing state shouldn’t be a big deal. Just like a friend said today, it is something that I do for myself. So, if I don’t feel like doing it, I can simply stop. But it is that very reason, that writing is the one thing I do for myself is why it became a big deal. I am having a big void that needs to be addressed. I can’t say that I am lonely but I can say that the things that used to keep my life going have changed.

And because I hate uncontrolled change, and because I believe I should not just let go with the flow the least I should do is know where this flow is taking me. I did one of the corniest things this morning by giving myself today as the last chance (and made sure to set this as a FB status update) to either write or delete all my blogs (including the secret ones). And apparently I still give a sense of direction for the uncontrolled flow. At least I managed to post and the blog(s) are spared!

Expect more. (Oh now I remembered that “expectations” is another thing that I wanted to write about!)

And always remember to learn from your past mistakes. I just did, I looked for affirmation among my friends instead of an ex. which is the thing that tells a lot about how much I have changed. But this is another longer story that I will be writing about among the many things I will be writing about.


I will be more than happy if you suggested which of the many points should I start with.

May 07, 2010


About Me

Basic Info

Relationship Status:Married

Interested In:Women
Looking For:Friendship
A Relationship
Random play
Whatever I can get

Current City:-

BioAlways looking for a ONE who can understand me. Can I realy have a one ??