August 28, 2007
|The Keys to Your Heart|
You are attracted to good manners and elegance.
In love, you feel the most alive when things are straight-forward, and you're told that you're loved.
You'd like to your lover to think you are stylish and alluring.
You would be forced to break up with someone who was insecure and in constant need of reassurance.
Your ideal relationship is lasting. You want a relationship that looks to the future... one you can grow with.
Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment.
You think of marriage as something precious. You'll treasure marriage and treat it as sacred.
In this moment, you think of love as something you thirst for. You'll do anything for love, but you won't fall for it easily.
August 26, 2007
I am writing this in day 1, the vacation seems to be a good one, though family is around but yet the place isn’t crowded, a really calm sea and lots of greenery. The only thing missing is the 24/7 room service.
I started the vacation with a surprise, my grand mother got some news that I couldn’t categorize as bad or good. She told me that someone is proposing to me. This someone is a relative who happens to be a good friend of mine. Actually I was taken by surprise and my little mind couldn’t find a suitable reply but silence. So, she gave me a week to think the offer over.
I can’t deny that I didn’t like the surprise but it was sort of expected as my grandmother had posed the issue before in a grandma/grand daughter kind of talk. It was two years ago when she asked “what do you think of “”, what if he proposed would you consider accepting his offer.” I remember back then I gave her a vague answer, or what I see now as a vague answer, as my answer was that he isn’t more than a cousin to me and that I never thought of him as anything else.
I didn’t like the surprise as the last thing I need now is to take a decision that would necessarily lead to a significant result. I am in a phase where I need what was best described, in the movie “You got mail”, by the “Starbucks” decisions, a serious of decisions that would lead to an insignificant result like how I would have my coffee and will leave me satisfied by the decision making process.
The first thing that came to my mind was that he isn’t my type. The second thing was the question, if he isn’t my type so, “what is my type?!”
I recall little of the picture I had for the man of my dreams. I have always wanted him be tall, fit, with dark hair, fair complexion, a pair of catchy eyes and a wonderful smile.
I have always pictured long talks, fruitful discussions and genuine laughs.
I wanted him to smell good, to dress good and to accept willingly the hazards of my company, a man who willingly accepts the lioness in the cat, the woman in the girl and the Goddess in the human, a man who can see the different faces of me and love each and every one of them.
I wanted a man who is as genius as Albert Einstein, as poetic as Khalil Gibran & who possess an ambition that can put him on top of this world.
That was the dream but in the reality I have settled for less. I just wanted a man who can read, talk and listen. I wanted a man who looks good. A man who is willing to try, fail and then succeed. A man who accepts me the way I am the same way I appreciate the way he is. I wanted someone who meets a relative definition that could simply be applied on any man.
One more time I started going through the men I knew in a try to find out a pattern or maybe a thread to lead me to discover “my type”.
The trend showed that I have always gone for the engineers, I have always gone for those who spoke more than one language, I have always gone for outgoing men to compensate my shyness deficiency, and above all I have always gone for the good talks regardless how shallow these talks were.
I have had unconsciously chosen the men who had something in common with the picture in my dreams. I have always gone for the taller, the fitter, the better dresser and the sweeter talk. I have always gone for the smarter, the funnier and the more successful.
I have always gone for the dream but was that dream right for me? Is Mr. Right is really right? Is that type is my type?
My sister said that she had always found a problem setting me up with someone, as for everyone she thinks of she discovers that he is too shallow for me. For her, my type is someone who reads, someone who uses the gray material located in his skull and also known as the brain, she said that an open minded man is my type and anything else isn’t a necessity.
“S” on the other hand said that my type is someone quiet and outgoing. Though it might sound strange that an outgoing person can be quiet, but “S” was right. My “Mr. Right” should be outgoing but yet quiet enough to fit with my character.
A Brad that didn't stab you in the back would be an excellent choice for you"
The thing is, if all the men I knew were my type in a way and it always failed. Will it be wise to try someone who isn’t the type maybe it works?!!!
It was dated June 22, 2007. It was about Brad
I guess that night started a couple of days earlier. It started with that kind of dreams. There was him and there was the silly me handing him some of my hair as a gift. And typically he took it playfully and ended up throwing it away.
I don’t tend to take my dreams seriously, but I couldn’t ignore that one. I couldn’t ignore my subconscious warning me to wake up from the dream I am living.
I remembered the similar dreams that I had before, “M.M.I.B” kicking me in one, “H.H” leaving me with a monster. I just couldn’t ignore the subconscious warning.
I woke up from that dream to find my radar screaming, the target couldn’t be located.
He didn’t call, didn’t answer the calls and if he eventually ended up answering. He will sound as cold as a snow storm. He stopped missing me, he couldn’t find anything to say and the conclusion was he lost interest.
It was the moment I told myself seems that the game is over and reminded myself that this game was a timed game in the 1st place but seems that our timers were set to two different times. I reminded myself with every advice my friends gave me when I told them about him.
Then it was the time of the friends’ talks or let it be the truth call. “Something/someone else has got his attention and that was expected, I warned you”. That was his first comment. “I never liked him in the first place”. He said so reminding me with every single warning he gave me before. “Honey, Relax and think”, that was the comment of the more understanding friend. He added “We already know that it is just a game”.
Then came the time of what I call “The TALK”. I said “honey you seem busy”. He replied “kind of, you know I am usually busy at that time of the day”. So, I said when you are free, tell me because we need to talk. That was the hardest thing I have done that night. A couple of minutes earlier I tangoed in a fight with a “Something” who thought can have some free fun on my expense and I didn’t mess a step. It couldn’t even be considered hard. But asking him to have “the talk” can be considered the hardest thing I have done in a while. It was even harder from kicking the ex’s off my life.
His immediate reply was, now is good I am free.
I asked him directly “honey, are you pulling away”.
He replied “define pulling away”
I said “I noticed a change in your habits”
He replied “me too” and elaborated “less phone calls”
I said “less phone calls, less missing, and less interest”
He denied that he has lost interest and explained his change by a mood swing.
So, I asked him if we are good now, and he replied that up to his knowledge we are always good.
Then he stated three things that he doesn’t really like about me, the fact that I am “ZANANA”. which is something that I have told him about before but he didn’t really experience. And I guess the more he approaches my “Zann” zone the more he believes how severe my case is.
The second reason was a tip that he thinks I gave to his stalker. Though I have explained before that it wasn’t a tip it was more like a water test. But still he couldn’t accept me tipping his stalker.
The third thing was the fact that I am a super curious person. And he just didn’t like how much I am trying to push his buttons to know something that he didn’t want to talk about.
The fact that the three turn offs were all related to that stalker because of something that I have told her, or something that I implied in my talk to her or because a question that I have asked about her gave me a shiver that I ignored.
Because we already had the stalker talk before and supposedly he cleared it and I should never have any more reasons to doubt the stalker’s position in his life.
He asked me if something is turning me off. I replied no. I just said that I didn’t want to have that talk.
He wondered if we are at the same place. He meant the cross roads. I replied sure we are don’t panic. He replied panic is the last thing he does.
I went to bed seeking some sleep after few sleepless nights. For the first time in months I pushed the pillow I call his name away. I couldn’t hold it. I found myself crying and I couldn’t stop my tears.
Though he denied losing interest but he couldn’t be any less interested. He didn’t deny that he stopped missing me. He stopped missing me in the time I couldn’t sleep for days because I missed him. I wanted to talk in the time he avoided talking by all means.
He was turned off by some key characters in my personality, Curiosity and nagging. I am a female, I am entitled to nag, I am entitled to be curious and I am entitled to feel insecure because of a shadow. I am a woman and I have the right to use my intuition to evaluate situations.
I just cried, I wanted someone to get my out of that state but couldn’t think of a name because everyone who knows about it won’t support me. They will all have the same answer, “you knew it”. They will blame me for accepting the “No Status” status in the first place. They will blame me for getting the young girl out to play that game in the time it was a game suggested by the devil woman in the mirror. I didn’t even have the chance to call the ex’s I blew away to be free for the game. How to expect support from someone you just kicked away for someone else. I regretted the old time of the ex’s. They gave me the enough suspense in the hide and seek game we played. They provided a familiar and safe way to exercise my mind. And ever since they held the title “ex” they stopped rejecting me. I have become more interesting for them when I became less interested in them.
I cried thinking of my silly thoughts of giving the men’s empire a last chance, a chance that will never include marriage, a chance that will never include any sort of commitment other than a commitment to enjoy life.
All what I wanted was a hug, the right to shed a few tears on his shoulder whispering how much I will miss him. All what I wanted is a chance to look into his eyes wondering if it was to end with a kiss how it was going to be. All what I wanted is to know that I am not standing alone in the cross roads.
August 19, 2007
I just hate the timing of that vacation, I just hate unplanned things. I tend to be spontaneous but I guess I am not as spontaneous as I am supposed to be.
I hate the timing of this vacation because I am leaving on my birthday. I didn’t have plans and no one booked me for the occasion, but I had hopes for doing something special that day. I usually hate my birthday, I hate the whole month of August. I believe it is a disastrous month but I am trying to be positive.
So as a part of celebrating my birthday I decided to stay positive and make a list of the good things that happened since my last birthday.
The best birthday celebration ever that “S” gave me. The amazing breakfast, the serious of gifts and the feeling that someone really care to remember.
- My brother finally graduated
- Roka (my friend)got married
- Fatma (my friend)got engaged
- Safaa (my cousin & friend) doing her PhD and hopefully she will finish it the way she wants.
- Essam (my friend)got rid of the someone I call “Mozet Q8”
- Hossam (my friend)coming home in vacation after a really long time
- Finally I found my closure regarding the M.M.I.B issue
- Shady (my friend) finishing his masters.
- The blog :)
Brad was among the best things that happened to me till the disastrous month of August did its tricks and one more time I lost a man to that month
Speaking of the bad things that happened to me in that year
- Brad, the whole experience, though I am not the type who regrets things but I have to admit that the Brad’s experience was something that I didn’t sign up for, A proof that I didn’t really seek. The way he treated me wasn’t something that can be ignored and it was one of the bad things that happened to me in that year. (the freshest and the closest to my birthday).
- Quitting my job; though I have been telling everyone that it was one of the best things that happened to me, but I have to admit that the way I have quitted my job was as painful as being dumped. I have given everything I can into this job and I took nothing in return, not even a thank you, sounds typical!!
- Getting back to “H.H” the dominant shadow. I wasted my hard work by accepting his apology. I have wasted my only chance to get rid of him.
- Gaining more weight.
I guess it wasn’t a bad year after all.
Happy birthday to me
I will be temporarily out of service, see you after the vacation
What if I couldn’t? Does that mean I don’t? What if I forgot what he did, does that count as forgiveness??
Would my closure be forgivness? Do I need a closure? I have always wanted one; do I still need a closure? Do I need a closure to stop missing him, to stop thinking of him, to fight the urge of calling him, to fight the need to talk to him? Do I need a point to reach peace and let go? Can I ever let go? Did I ever let go?
I have been trying to forgive him, but I would lie if I said I did. I am trying to forget what he did but I have a long list of unanswered questions that keeps reminding me with every single detail.
Can I forgive him? Can I forget?
August 16, 2007
I have to admit that being sore have got to my memory, I can’t remember all what happened. I have to admit that the shame feeling have got my way to express and that’s why what I wrote about Brad might be missing a lot.
But to clear things up, I liked Brad but this like didn’t get to the love status as I didn’t know him long enough to love him. I liked him tremendously. I first liked what I read, then what I heard and the deal was sealed by what I saw.
When I let Brad in, I let him in for safe company. I have had enough before meeting him. I have had gone in circles for years. I didn’t want to get rushed into a relation because it gets harder every time. It is harder to fall and harder to recover.
I wasn’t playing a game. I was never a player. But the idea of meeting someone and thinking of a destination is something that I can’t be doing right now. I have been traumatized enough. The only thing I can think of is the road not where it ends, the journey not the destination. This is the only defensive way my mind knows to minimize the pain. That doesn’t mean that I wasn’t taking the Brad thing serious. But seriousness for me might be slightly different than seriousness for others. What he called the “connection” we had was enough for the time being. As far as both of us respected the rules and played by them. And the first rule was to cherish the friendship as it was the most important thing.
Seriousness for me should always meet the form of a relation I think is safe.
I wasn’t going to accept such a form of relation if I knew Brad was the marrying type as such a form of relation with a man who is willing to commit means that I am playing around. And I wasn’t playing around; he turned out to be the one who was playing around.
And thanks to him, now I have learned one more lesson. Now I know that there is no such a thing that’s called safe company. The same way there is not such a thing that’s called a different man.
So, I guess I will have to change my idea about the perfect form of relationship. Or maybe re-think about the probability of relationship. I don’t think relationship of any form should be on the cards any time.
I just don’t think I deserve what Brad did. I don’t think I deserve a sudden disappearance, and an engagement picture. I don’t think I deserve the deception. I don’t think I deserve to be lied to, to be betrayed. I just don’t think that Brad had any good reasons to do this unless the typical reason of being a male who care nothing about any of his females.
A friend asked me if Brad was that important to the extent I decide to expose myself the way I did. I couldn’t answer that question as I don’t really know whether Brad was that important or not. But I know one thing that he has done what everyone else did. He left without giving a reason and he left for someone else. So, I wanted to write it down maybe if I read it I will find where the error was. May be I could know who put the spell of the curse. May be I could finally know the reason why I always end up attracting this type of men. Why they all leave me. And why the arrogant lioness never accepted the fact that these men have dumped her for better women. Why this lioness dare to think that she is the cream of the cream.
I just would like to know the reason, why have I never been loved? Why was I not worth anyone's time, worth the effort, worth the feeling? Why didn't any of them ever think I was worth the phone call to end things up? Why none of them thought that a couple of lines in an email won’t cost much? Why none of them ever mentioned the real reason that made him leaves?
Don’t I worth to be loved?? Respected?? Cherished??
When Brad finally re-appeared he said that he wants my forgiveness as I am a dear person. It wasn’t my first time a man whom my blood still wets his dagger manifests me for dear.
The question will always be, if I was a dear person why hurting me in the first place?
Why was I always dear and always hurt? I wish I am not dear but also not hurt.
August 15, 2007
It really took me long days and months that summed up to be more than a year to get back in shape, or at least to claim that I am back in shape. I couldn’t lose the feeling of guilt or the looks hunting me “we have told you so”. I dedicated my time to my work and family. I fought the midnight loneliness with food. I managed to enjoy the single and not looking status.
And thanks to “S” all my scattered pieces were put back together. And I started re-trusting the world.
I started writing about my views. I wrote here, there and everywhere. And that’s how Brad spotted me. He showed interest in my writings. We seemed to be tuned on the same ideology channel. And as I was staying low I didn’t even try to approach him. I kept it within the boundaries of exchanging opinions.
He made a move and asked a common friend to introduce us. He said that he felt that I didn’t like him, as most of my replies to his posts were kind of harsh. I justified that with one reason, that for me he was just another man. But the more I got to know him the more I discovered how he was slightly different.
He asked me out for a coffee, and I didn’t mind I was interested to get to know the man then he asked if this coffee could be a date. I liked the idea too. I liked the man and couldn’t deny it, so why not dating him.
I wasn’t sure at that phase what am I up to, but we made a deal.
Based on the ideology we share, both of us aren’t the commitment type so marriage is off the list, he asked to keep sex off regardless how good the date went and I asked for friendship to sustain regardless how bad the date goes.
So, the deal was to date, and to keep friendship in mind and sex outside.
He was so clear about his position of marriage, he opposed marriage regardless his reasons, and I am opposing marriage for lots of reasons. So he didn’t fall under the full playboy category as he isn’t the marriage type. Playboys eventually marry; they play till someone manages to frame them and keep playing whenever they get the chance. He wasn’t a playboy wanna be as he was experienced. And again he was a sample of a new type of men. I acknowledged this difference. I recognized his experience and in more than occasion I mentioned that he is too smart for me to understand and he is too smart for me to deal with.
He was still having a couple of weeks before he comes back to Egypt for vacation. And for these couple of weeks we spent our time chatting, he called a couple of times, text messaging each other and everything went good. Actually the more I got to talk to him, the deeper my crush went. I declared this crush to him and he replied that he is having a crush back on me. Time flew away and he came to Egypt in vacation. We live in different cities so we didn’t meet right away. He called me first thing in the morning when he arrived and for the two months to come, he seldom break the habit of calling me every morning to the extent that I got used to have my breakfast with him everyday.
He even used to call in the middle of the night because he missed me. He was playing by the book. A friend of mine said that Brad is following the instructions in the first page of dating for dummies. I enjoyed it because it was the common rituals. The man said he likes me and he acts as he said. He even said that he can’t be seeing other women because we are dating. We were as he put it in his own words, friends with potential.
Everything went so fine, and we had the first date which was amazing. The flowers, the dessert we shared. The whole date was amazing. Time just passed by so fast and I didn’t want it to end. I wanted more of him and I was wondering if he wants more of me.
He didn’t show any signs that I have turned him off on the date. I kept wondering if he will ask me for another date and he did. And the second date was even better than the 1st one. In his words “this is what I call a date”.
There was a time when I felt he is pulling away, time when he said that there is nothing wrong. He said that he is just having a bad mood because he is leaving. And he promised to tell me if he ever decided to leave. He promised nothing will go wrong. He said that I should get all these crap out of my mind. And I willingly did.
He left to work and everything kept going good. He even played the card of the “two of us are connected” when he interfered to solve the misunderstanding between me and the friend in the AhlyCorner incident.
He initiated the definition talk, which is labeled as the female’s talk. But he initiated it wondering how I define our relationship. We got to a result that we both are enjoying the undefined relation. We both liked each other, and sex was still off the table and the relation is my aim not how we define it.
He was supposed to come back to Egypt in another vacation in August. I was happy and anticipating it. In the last two days in July, I noticed that he stopped mentioning this visit among other things that he stopped doing too. He stopped saying that he misses me, and he stopped kissing me. I discovered that he has changed his mobile phone without telling me and that he was coming to Egypt in a couple of days without thinking of mentioning it to me.
I posed the question, is there anything you want to talk about? He replied no, why? I said because I feel you are different, is there anything wrong? He replied that there was nothing wrong. And that he simply didn’t change.
I though it was my old phobia, I gave him the excuse of working long hours. And thought everything will change when he come back to Egypt.
He came, but he didn’t call. He disappeared for around two weeks; he didn’t answer my calls, my SMS, and even ignored the calls of our common friend.
I couldn’t find a reason for his behavior and everyone kept telling me that it doesn’t really sound like he can do such a thing. There must be a reason.
I didn’t need a reason; I knew the man did what everyone else did. But something inside me hoped I was wrong. Something inside me wished that the man is really a man. Something inside me didn’t understand the reason for him to deliberately hurt me. There was no such reason for such behavior and we were supposed not to have a room for such a kind of hurt.
Though he stayed low, but he didn’t stay low enough for my radar to miss him. I kept an eye on him tracing his untraceable actions.
I discovered the reason for his disappearance, Brad got engaged.
I was shocked, as people don’t get engaged suddenly. Things like engagement, especially in a place like Egypt, take long time to be done. So, Brad who claimed wasn’t the commitment type turned to be one. Brad, who said wasn’t seeing other women because we are dating, was seeing me while he was planning an engagement.
Brad, who dared looking me into the eyes saying that things like marriage are off his list, had nothing in his mind but marriage.
While looking to that picture of him and her showing off the rings, I remembered everything that happened. I just started asking myself a long list of questions, why did he approach me in the time he was in a relation? Why did he ask for the date while he could simply kept friendship? Why the daily phone calls while the manual said it is a sign of interest? Why the kisses (though over phone/ text)? Why to share a fork? Why to kiss my hand/ cheek? Why the salt and pepper demonstration? Why the nice *** comment? Why asking for the pictures? Why allowing me to explore? Why encouraging me to get more involved in the time he couldn’t be less interested? Why? A long list of “whys”.
There has been many occasions that he could have simply said “honey, I guess I have a piece of information that you might find crucial”. He could have simply spared me the long talk about the woman I have inside me and how much he love that woman.
He could have simply played his cards, and let me decide how I would see “us”, if “us” was an option.
But instead, he simply enjoyed the company, trapped the prey and didn’t even care to finish her. He just disappeared, as simple as that. The hunter disappeared after firing one sharp bullet to his prey’s back. A bullet that won’t finish her as the prey is so thick, but is enough to make his prey faint to the ground.
Does it hurt? I can’t answer that question as the word hurt and the word feeling seems irrelevant now.
I feel used; I feel that he used me to help him vanquish the stalker. I feel stupid because I have believed him.
He could have simply asked for my help without playing the “I like you card”. I could have helped him anyway. He could have spared me the feeling I am having now he managed to care as he said he did.
I can’t believe he asked me to elaborate more on my date with him. Just the thought that he was laughing out loud on the little silly girl who thinks herself experienced is killing me. The idea that he was asking me for pictures that he will laugh on, or add to his wall of fame is killing me. The idea that I have loved him, trusted him and he betrayed me is killing me.
I just can’t understand his motives; there were hundred thousand scenarios that he could have followed. I don’t know what made him choose the most painful one. I don’t know what makes a man who has been warned that the creature he is dealing with has had her share of pain intend to hurt her again.
I couldn’t understand Brutus’s reason to stab his all time friend Caesar. And I can’t understand Brad’s reasons to stab me in a Brutus/ Caesar scenario.
I am feeling sore, and this soreness is getting to my memory. I am feeling ashamed of myself. I am ashamed that I have let him in, that I have trusted him. I am ashamed that I have let myself get hurt again. I am ashamed because I didn’t learn my lesson. I am ashamed because I still had hope. I am ashamed of being myself.
I wish I just can be angry, I wish I can scream. I wish I can get back to the demons inside me and plot revenge. But I am too ashamed to do so. All what I can do is to stay quiet, to take it like a grown up and move along.
August 14, 2007
Friendship it was, friendship was what I had in mind. I was still mourning M.H. I was mourning the friend I lost to love, the prince charming I lost to commitment and was still regretting my return to H in a way to get over M.H.
M.M.I.B was the new blood I needed at that time, in the time friends failed me under different calls. It was the time every one was busy getting married or everyone wearing the glasses of the know it all and telling me that I have got that to myself and that I was wrong getting involved in the first place.
I needed no one to remind me of my failure, my failure to choose, my failure to discover and my failure to be as lucky as others were. I mean I wasn’t the only one to get involved with what we call losers, but what differentiated my losers from theirs was that my losers dumped me while theirs married them.
M.M.I.B. was perfect at that phase. He didn’t remind me of the past and he played the role of the friend. He mastered that role to the extent he became my favorite friend.
He would call to check on me everyday, we started going out on regular basis. We built commonalities. It was fun to be around him and it was safe. Things grew. My feelings for him changed as his feelings changed too. He liked me, and he showed it. I liked the way he liked me. I loved the tiny things we both like. We were still friends when people noticed how good we look together. We looked like a couple and I enjoyed it, till he posed a question one day. He asked me if I loved him. I replied that I love him as a friend. But things didn’t stop at that point. I said that I can’t love him more than just a friend because he is already taken. One thing led to the other and he said he loves me.
I knew that his decision to get engaged was a family decision. He was engaged to a family member. And he seemed not to like the situation. He showed this disinterest and later declared that he will cut that relation off.
I can’t remember how things happened, I remember that at one point there were me, him, the world and lots of boundaries the next point there were only him and me. The world and boundaries disappeared.
We were inseparable. For the first time I am having a relation that I get that close to the person, Acting like a couple in public, having “our place” in every place. Understanding each other without talking, feeling each other while away.
Till I got to a point where I told him that I am so scared because I don’t feel that I am a single person anymore, I feel more like I am married to him.
He didn’t stop me; he promised that he will pose the issue to his family but after his trip to the states. This trip kept delaying from one month to the other. Till one day he had an accident. He called me from hospital and I didn’t know what to do. I called H, who sounded so reasonable at that time; he said that I shouldn’t go to the hospital as this is the worst time to let his family know about our relation. He later told me that regardless how sincere M.M.I.B was in his promises he will never break that engagement. His family wants it and the girl is a millionaire. He will never leave that girl for anything.
I was in love, deeply in love. I didn’t believe anyone but the one I love.
After the accident he changed, I was harsh on him as I couldn’t be there for him when he needed me, actually I needed to be beside him more than he needed me and that caused the problem. And again the issue of when will we commit was posed. His answer was that I always choose the wrong timing.
A week later we were back as before; I started receiving strange phone calls that I discovered was from his future brother in law, who overheard him talking to me on the phone. His aunt/ mother in law was behind these calls as she went through his phone bill to discover that he has been talking to me more than he has been talking to her daughter. They held a family meeting and he informed me with the result. They wanted him to cut his relation with me. I reminded him with his promises and he cried. He said he can’t turn his family down. He cried, all what he gave me was tears and he left me with nothing but a paper, a pen and my old time shadow. And as I had the feeling that I was married to him, after the break up I felt like a divorced woman. It took me too long to get out of that feeling.
It wasn’t over until recently. When I finally managed to find my closure and get over the M.M.I.B era.
I raised the happy and single flag, and stayed low. Kept marriage off the list and love out of the cards till I met Brad.
“H” was the shadow that darkened my life, in a God father type of relation, he was in but he was never out. For the five years I have known him he was almost the reason for each and every problem I had and though he always stepped in to solve those that can be solved. But he couldn’t undo the pain.
M.M.K, M.H and M.M.I.B all knew him in a way. And I came across them by coincidence. A coincidence that I discovered too late was mostly made by him.
The first was the legendary M.H. I needed help understanding something and as H was my instructor I asked him to help me out and consequently he referred me to M.H. as he is the master of all masters.
I was impressed by the guy even before getting to know him. And when I got to know him I discovered in him that he had everything I wanted in a man. He was cute, he was smart, he was ambitious, he was of sound opinion and he was of manners. Simply he was my prince charming. I liked him instantly. We went through the evolution process of a relation, few online chats, few phone calls, long phone calls then the meeting.
The guy was so fun to be around; he seemed to enjoy my company too. I knew that he was to pursue his PhDs in the states but at that time it wasn’t really an issue.
We enjoyed the gray relation, the area past the friendship and before the commitment. I remember he came one day asking me, “Shimaa do you really love me?” I answered in surprise “If I don’t, so what’s your interpretation of everything I do and happen between us?” he replied that this happens all the time between non lovers. I remember that day he said that he has feelings for me that he can’t deny. Couple of days later he called me and he sounded different, I asked him why he sounds different he answered that he has something to say and he’s sure if it is a good thing or a bad thing. He said he’s got his Visa and he is traveling to the states in two weeks.
Certainly this is the point where I cried, I remember that he couldn’t stop me. He kept saying that nothing wrong will happen and that nothing will change. He promised that everything will stay the same. But something inside me kept weeping. I knew he is fleeing. In the following two weeks he started making all the possible escapes, ignoring phone calls, hiding and always playing the “I am busy” card. A friend suggested that I should pose the issue of commitment, and though I felt it is too stupid to ask a man who is traveling to the unknown in a couple of days to commit. But my friend convinced me that if the guy really loved me he would do whatever I needed to feel safe.
And I did it, I posed commitment and he was shocked, all what he had to say was, but you never implied that you would need commitment at any time. He excused himself and he ended the call.
I met him later for a farewell. He flew to the states and the scenario I expected took place.
The rest is history. I gave the man a good quality hard time and sure as a rebound I got back to my old “H”.
Sure my safe coming back to H didn’t last for long. That was the time he introduced me to that friend of his, M.M.K.
M.M.K. was a simple person. I categorize men who approaches me in two main categories, playboys and playboys wanna be’s. M.M.K was something in between these two categories. He wasn’t a wanna be as he has got some experience in the playboy department. But yet compared to H, he was still crawling.
M.M.K was a phase of flirting that followed M.H and the H rebound phase. But some how the guy got on my nerves and he triggered the little espionage talent in me. So, I used some old skills, got into his mail, his contact list and discovered all his little lies. He triggered this old talent I had because someone new showed up and he denied that he knows him. The check was to confirm my doubts.
I call M.M.K the road not taken, as regardless his little lies he might be the only real single who ever approached me. He was just out of a break up and he needed some mending, he was nice though he was so shallow. I don’t really regret turning him down, after all, the guy was a playboy who has put my name in a group called girls.
But M.M.K was the reason that I got close to M.M.I.B.
M.M.I.B was the “someone” new who showed up from the blue, and when I discovered the connection between him and M.M.K , I cut them both off after sending a well written email to both of them.
Later on, we got back on contact. After the interference of a friend that knew him and said that he is a good man. I found it safe to be around M.M.I.B at that time. All what I had in mind was friendship and I thought he was the safest option as he was engaged.
August 13, 2007
I didn’t take long getting over the M.M. shock (my 1st playboy exposure), but the apple comment some how found it way into my mind. It was a career switch program (I managed to get all the professional certificates needed but I didn’t have the switch). I was there to get new experiences and in course I met new people.
I was the very same person, the flirty, the loud and the shy. And he was a colleague. He got attracted to me because I was his dream girl, the language, the style, the ideology all were killers for the poor man. We played friends as I wasn’t really interested.
The queen wanted someone to tell her how magnificent she was, and A.K. was perfect. Swinging between friends and friends with benefits, we both didn’t try to define the relation. We were comfortable in the cozy undefined gray zone.
Along with A.K came G.H. who happened to be one of the instructors. G.H. played it another way. He started giving me extra care as he was friends with a friend of mine, started playing friends and showed all the signs of like. He’d show up wherever I go, did his best to get my phone number and kept contact even after he left to another job. Phone calls, asking for meetings, chance encounters and finally he asked to come visit me at work to give me a program that I wanted. He could have sent it by mail, but he preferred to do the home visit.
Later on, G.H. got engaged, sure enough to a completely different person.
But what was the real experience out of this career switching program was the famous H experience. H is my dominant ex, it goes back to 5 years from now.
His side of the story starts before my side. I remember I have spotted him parking his car in my way in. he said that he has spotted me in the car before even me noticing him.
He said he kept praying that I will get into the same building he is getting in and he found out that he was even luckier. He was my instructor for the next couple of days.
He caught my eyes, and later he caught my mind. He was smart with a delicious French accent on his English, Muscular looking with a degree in computer engineering. Smells good, dressing good. He was just the type I want.
As a teacher he helped me as a student, and one thing led to the other and we exchanged phone numbers and ICQ numbers.
We chatted, we talked and he said he has feelings for me. Two days later he sent me an offline message saying that he thinks that I am too good for him, he is such a bad creature and for my own sake he is going to withdraw from my life.
Again, the rain drop refused to let the rock go. I pursued him to know what he meant by being bad. The silly me thought it was just an excuse to break up with me. I remember all what he said at that time was “as you like”. And it went as I liked, at least for the first month.
He was the first to pose sex as an issue, before him all implied sex. But he was the first to put sex in a zero sum equation. And when I refused there was our first break up. A couple of weeks later the rain drop pursued the rock with an email offering compromise. I thought that this might be a good way to trap him. I didn’t perceive the whole picture back then.
After the mail we were back on track till he asked for a meeting and I agree. I remember it was Christmas Eve. He passed by to pick me up. And instead of going to some place he started driving around. Till the point I felt his hands approaching me.
I screamed saying that this is not what I want, he replied in a cold surprise that he thought we had a deal, I said I was just trapping him. Then we had a fight and he drove me back home. he called the next morning saying that I should let go and I won’t lose a thing. He said things about how much I will enjoy it. And I remember I was so clear and I replied that this is not what I signed up for. A couple of weeks later he called again. apologizing that he has been through some bad circumstances that made him act that way and he wants to get back. And again we got back. That time, some how I remembered that I have a friend who happened to know someone who worked with him.
I didn’t call that friend instead I waited till I met her in a friend’s birthday party. I asked her, do you know someone called H.H. she replied in shock, yes but he is engaged.
She kept telling me stories about how he is engaged to that girl and he is in an on/ off relation with her. and how he dated another friend of ours in on of the offs to the extent that he almost proposed but he came the next day wearing his ring telling everyone that he has got back to his fiancée without even telling the poor girl a word.
I took my shock and put it on him; I asked him, are you engaged. He replied no, I was. I then asked why you didn’t tell me before, he said because it hurt talking about it, and the clichés that he was going to tell me in the right time.
We kept on so good, till all of sudden he started not answering my calls. I sent him emails, sms’, called him on all the numbers I had but he didn’t answer. Finally he called back and said few words, I am going to get back to my fiancée and I want it to work that time. Please don’t call me anymore.
This time I cried, I cried too hard. I cried because I was stupid enough to buy his sweet words. I cried because I was silly enough to believe his promises. I cried because I was arrogant enough to think that I am a rain drop who can win over a rock.
I kept crying but not for long as he showed up again, this time he apologized and talked about how much his family wanted him back to his fiancée. And that he has broke up with her for the final time. He started talking about future, where will we live, where to spend the honeymoon, my expectations of the ring, how my family will react to him.
That mask was impressive enough that I bought it too. he even introduced me to a friend of his. Everything was good, till one night I was chatting with that friend of his and he asked me, did you congratulate H, his “katb ketab” is tomorrow.
Sure, that wasn’t the end of it, he showed up couple of months later apologizing for how things went and asking for friendship. I didn’t turn him down as I needed the support. One more time the false queen inside wanted someone to tell her royal highness how magnificent she is. I accepted his request for friendship. And maintained the friends/ enemies relation over the span of the 5 yrs I have known him.
I would appreciate comments on this post as I would really like to know the reason behind my successive failures and the reason I always end up attracting a certain type of men.
I know I am a flirting person, though I am shy, but sometimes I just can’t fight the urge to go with a good flirt. But I am not a player. I don’t just go with the flow, I have limits. My idea of flirting is a couple of laughs and nothing more. I am not the kind of person who goes on dates with whomever she meets. Again I am a shy person who likes to test her attractiveness rate.
The first one was A.F. I met him in my first exposure to the real world. I was 18 turning 19. And he was a senior in the reputable firm I am having my 1st summer training in.
He was different; as he wasn’t attracted to the girl everyone else was attracted to. This girl was supposed to be my friend but she used me, or to be specific my social talents, to get to know all the men in that firm. And as I was talkative flirty and loud, she seemed to be exactly the opposite. She was wearing a mask of the quiet girl, some extra religion and unjustified maturity. I found out about her game, not by my super mind, but by absolute luck A guy who saw how close I was to her asked me if she had decided about his friend yet, and that his friend is worried as there were rumors that H and H are into the game too.
I finally discovered that each single man in that firm pursued that girl, and in the words of one of the contestants, I was after her because simply she wasn’t like you.
Regardless how much that guy apologized later and regardless how tiny the 19 yrs old mind. But I was hurt. I was there to learn, to get to know the market and to enjoy. I learnt that females are horrible creatures who aims nothing but hunting a man, and who can be as mean as a nasty wolf.
Then he came. He was mature, 9 years older than me. He was so impressive to the little girl. And the thing that impressed me the most was the fact he didn’t hunt the phony, he came after me because he believed I am a real diamond.
He was short, with signs of baldness. But I compromised the looks for love.
The 19 yrs old was so smart, I was so clear from point zero that I am not a number, and I am not a player and that if he wants a relation so the only form of relation I know is marriage. The guy was true to his word and he proposed. My father declined his proposal and said if he really wants her so he should wait till she gets her college degree.
And again, the guy was true. He waited. And for the two years that we waited for my father to accept the proposal we had an on/off relation. The first off was when I discovered that he is a liar. He lied about his education and implied things that he didn’t really do. I broke up with him for a week. Till a friend told me that I shouldn’t do this if I really love him. She suggested starting fresh. And I did. He called, I blamed him and that was it. but things never got back to normal. He started suppressing me or may be I started noticing his trials. Suggestions about my career, or to be accurate orders about my career, who to be friends with … etc. things went from bad to worse till I finally got my college degree. When the results were out I didn’t call him right away. I was keeping our relation a secret so I couldn’t find a private time to call him. and while I was thinking of a way to do, he called, that was before the time of mobile phones, I was surprised. And I still remember what he said. He said that I don’t love him, and that I am playing. He hung up the phone. A family member called me couple of hours later, this family member worked for the same firm but she didn’t know about me and A.F. she thought that all what was there was only a formal proposal. I found that family member calling me and screaming that I have tricked her and that I have been dishonest … etc.
I collapsed, or almost did as I have nerves of steel. I just had an episode of hyper tension at the age of 21.
A girl with my persistence, never let go. I managed to get things back on course regardless everything that happened. And finally his parents came over to ask for my hand in marriage. It was my first time to meet his parents. His mother showed all the signs of a horrible mother in law, but yet I kept on track. I had an aim, the aim was getting married to that short, bald man. So I worked to achieve my aim.
Unfortunately, his mother had other opinion. And after only two weeks of their visit, and after buying the rings, she started picking at me and finally his father called my father to call everything off.
I called him crying, I asked him why? I asked him why he didn’t even care to call and say that the two years of love was a mistake. Why didn’t he care to say thank you for loving me but I can’t keep on. Why didn’t he have the balls to break up with me? Why his father had to break up with my father. Why after everything we had between us.
I remember his reply. He said, there wasn’t anything between us. I hung up the phone and kept crying. I don’t remember how long cried him. But I remember the flirt that got me out of it.
His name was M.M. I met him in a course, while pursuing my dream of being a financial analyst. (Btw, that dream was never fulfilled too)
His opening line was strange, he came over and said “by the way you look like me, I feel like I am looking at the mirror”.
I was strange because it is not a good thing to tell a female that she resembles you in the looks, but he was true. We had the same eyes; people who didn’t know us thought we are family. And that was the start.
We flirted, and started the phone calls phase then he started following me everywhere I go. And at that point I posed the question. The definition question, I asked him what he really wants from me. I asked him about his intentions.
He gave me my very first shocking answer, he replied in confidence and said, “Shimaa, do you know what are you? You are a big red apple, shiny and clean and that’s set on a table with no sign that you belong to anyone. I want to taste that apple.”
He didn’t taste the apple; he got engaged later to the sister of one of my friends and now they are married with a beautiful kid.
And as a butterfly, I moved on to another course. I decided a career switch, and there was him. The famous H
August 12, 2007
- I don’t know how I am supposed to feel. I am not sure if I am upset or relived. If it is ok to feel smart or I should feel stupid. I don’t know whether to cry or to laugh.
I am not sure if the word feeling is of any relevance any more.
- I was shopping the last week and I found a top that reads “I am sexy, I am hot, I am everything you are not” I wanted to buy it as it spoke of my mood back then. Today in my shopping spree I came across a simple t-shirt that looks nothing like me, but still I wanted to buy it as it read “I am very sensitive”. I thought maybe if I wore a sign people will start watching out treating me.
- I don’t think love was on the cards in the first place, I guess I lost the ability to love. Or may be he proved that even if there was a slightest chance that I can love again this chance is unlikely to happen.
As for me to love again, I need the miracle of the different man, A man who cares, A man who looks before he treads, A man who is capable of giving, a man who is capable of keeping his word, A man who worth the trust. a man who can understand how traumatized I am, a man who can see that inside me there is nothing that we can call heart as it has been torn by his ruthless ancestors.
I don’t think love is/ will be on the cards.
- I just sent an SMS to a friend telling him that I need to cry but I can’t find my tears.
- The last thing I want right now is to write about Brad, but I guess I should do. I owe myself a detoxification session.
August 10, 2007
"You were born to be together, and together you shall be forevermore.
You shall be together when the wings of death scatter your days.
Ay, you shall be together even in your silent memory.
But let there be spaces in your togetherness,And let the winds of the heaven dance between you.
Love one another, but make not a bondage of love.
Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.
Fill each other's cup, but drink not from one cup.
Give one another of your bread, but eat not of the same loaf.
Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each of you be alone,Even as the strings of a lute are alone, though they quiver with the same music.
Give your hearts, but not into each other's keeping, For only the hand of life can contain your hearts.
And stand together, yet not too near together, For the pillars of the temple stand apart, And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in shadow."
August 05, 2007
He didn’t give a sign that he is going to disappear though my radar kept beeping that the object has changed its pattern but yet I didn’t see it fleeing. I acknowledged the change and requested an explanation, and as the object denied the change I ignored it.
The radar was right and my procedure was wrong. And the result was that he disappeared without an explanation.
I don’t feel as down as I might sound. I am just curious to know the reasons that made him change. What turned him off, if he was ever turned on?
The reason for my curiosity is personal assessment, nothing related to him. I would like to know the reason to take note of what made the man flee, the man who knew that I will never ask for commitment, who asked to keep sex off the table, and then willingly kept love out of question too. A man who admitted he is enjoying the crush and addicted to the woman on question and is happy with the undefined relation.
In process of being the woman I am now, I gave away the little dreams of girls. I gave away the knight in shinning armors, the happy ever after life and the princesses’ tales.
I settled to a form of relation that I see as a perfect one. A relation that has no end, that’s not defined by obligations and that doesn’t inherent tight rights, A form of relation where I will have a degree of freedom and won’t be destroying my partner’s space.
Some how that form of a relation can be summed in meeting someone, liking him, seeing him steady and exploring each other, and this is commitment enough for me. The idea of getting into a relation aiming something is off my agenda. My aim is always the relation itself.
I thought that this new form of a relation is something that no man will ever object. I can understand when a man objects a relation that wants to trap him in the marriage cage. But a man objecting a non committing relation, a man turning his back to the undefined is something beyond my poor silly mind, and that’s why I would like to know Brad’s reasons for disappearance. The reason he lost interest, again if he was ever interested, and why he disappeared without a notice though he promised he will tell me if he ever decided to walk away.
He once jumped to a conclusion of why do I like him. He thought that I like him for two reasons the first was that he treats me like a woman. And the second was because he doesn’t lie.
I told him he was wrong, but he refused to know the real reasons I liked him. Instead he asked me to work on a list of my dislikes. He asked me to be honest and to be as harsh as I can be.
I liked Brad for the same things I liked any man else, I got attracted to him in the same way I get attracted initially to anyone else.
He is a good flirt, which is the first thing that attracts me to a man. I am a flirting person so a good flirting man will always have my attention. He is an engineer and I have something for engineers, he speaks French and I adore a multi-lingual man. He is a man of manners, he is decent, and he’s got a nice smile and a good sense of humor. The guy passed the initial screening. And there he stood on the door to my world. So the question should be what caused the crush? Why I let Brad in though in similar cases I would have stopped at the step of enjoying the good flirts.
I let Brad in because he was different in one way. He reads and I don’t come across many readers. I have a complex because of shallow persons. But Brad was different as he reads; he is a man of knowledge and of sound opinion which was the real reason I was interested in him. I liked the potentiality implied with this difference, I liked that he can be different. The idea of being the first female to discover a different species of men was another thing I liked. The fact that he reads what I write turned me on, as no man before showed any interest of my writings. I had a serious of lovers who believed that my writings are just of no use, they couldn’t even read more than two or three lines of a whole page. Brad showed interest to get to know me because of these useless writings.
It wasn’t that he treats me like a woman that made me like him, but that he have spotted a human in me and discovered the mind that made me really like him.
I have no problem being treated as a woman, I have a long list of men who makes a queen of that woman, but seldom had any of these men admired the mind. And that what made me let Brad into the little world of me. Not because he never lies because I know he does, may be unintentionally or because he thought that these lies were irrelevant to the context of the connection we had. But still, he is a human and humans sometimes lie.
So, as far as he isn’t lying to me with the intension of deceiving me or making use of me, I don’t really care. I don’t care that he said he has only 8 contacts on his messenger list and then discovering that he has more. I just take notes of such lies for further notice. And from all the men I have known only one person respected my memory and my intelligence and kept note of the little lies he’s told me.
I know by heart that men are selfish and they are liars, so there is no way I will like a man because I believe he doesn’t lie. If I found such a man who I can’t spot his lies I will ask him to teach me his secret because he must be so good not to slip even for once.
What I don’t like about Brad are the very same things I don’t like about any man. I never liked his little unfulfilled promises, “Honey, I will call you when I get home” and he never calls. “I will be coming to Cairo to see you before I go”, he never showed up. “I will call you when I get there”, he didn’t call. I don’t like that he didn’t consider these things as promises to fulfill.
I didn’t like that he asked me to explore while he wasn’t really willing. And now I don’t like that he disappeared without a reason. I don’t like that he didn’t care about the friend, or that he forgot that the friend has a woman inside who will be deeply hurt by being rejected by the man inside him. I thought that out of the care about the friend he will owe the woman an explanation to keep her quiet. I thought he will always remember our agreement that friendship to sustain regardless anything. Now, what the friend has to say the woman would like to know?!!
The story was simple, I liked the man I was clear and he disappeared, Typical!!
So, I guess I have been treated from my “Bradetamine” addiction.
There will be more to come on Brad.
August 03, 2007
Actually I never kept a diary; I usually tear the pages of the poor thing. Instead I had the urge to keep my reflections on certain issues in a little project that I call “my book”.
The idea of the book started after my first breakup, I had too many feelings to scream and no one to listen so I grabbed a pen and started writing, but as I got over that breakup quickly the project was aborted too early, then it came back to life after each breakup maturing to be a few chapters after the last one.
That was when I met “S”, I am not mentioning his name as he is a bit sensitive about his anonymity. I sent him the things I write along with some of other friends asking for opinion and some how he suggested blogging.
Credits for the name of the blog go to my brother, who always says that my thoughts about life are the thoughts of the thought-less. He even suggested gathering those thoughts in a book with that name, hence the blog’s name.
I found it a more convenient way to save my friends the hassle of reading my screams. I post my thoughts to my blog instead of emailing them to my poor friends. I didn’t really tell all my friends about this blog as a part in me believes that these screams are not meant to be heard.
I didn’t write as much at first, work took most of my time till the moment of truth came and I quitted that abusive job. Actually I quitted that job along with the other abusive relations I had in my life. For the first time in years I said no and I meant it. And once again thanks to “S” who inspired me with this new attitude.
And as spare time took over my way of living I started putting more and more of my thoughts into the blog, a sequence of unheard screams and a good way to practice an old hobby.
For a reason I installed a counter, then another one. I was curious if anyone is reading and I was so happy to find out that there are people other than “S” who come and check out my thought-less thoughts. I was so happy when I received my first comment. Another comment made my day when the one made it addressed me as thoughtful not thought-less.
I check three blogs daily; the first one is Askandarani’s. I just find peace reading him. then Miss Egyptiana’s; she really makes my heart ache and finally Egyptian fe-mail, who most of the time seems to be playing on all the right keys.
So, that’s why I blog and the blogs I read. I guess now the poor mind have a little room to breathe and think of the essential ingredient.
I would like to thank everyone who ever left me a comment, everyone who comes and check out what I write and everyone who ever came across this page.