July 31, 2007
July 25, 2007
A psychiatric friend once summed what she called my case as a commitment phobic behavior. She explained my tendency to choose the wrong men by a deep fear of commitment. She said that I unconsciously choose the relations that I know will never work. I choose the men I know will never commit and therefore I deliberately decide my heart breaks before even getting into a relation.
My sister on the other hand claims that I always choose losers. She is convinced that I am a sort of a magnet that attracts a certain type of men. This type of men is generally characterized by being involved in something/ someone else. A typical scenario will be me choosing a playboy over a decent guy, a committed guy over a single one or any man who will have something/ someone else filling up his life.
When Brad asked me for the date I couldn’t believe myself and I went telling her. She looked at me in disgust and said “so is he married or engaged” so I replied in depression “neither, nor. He is single”. She said in astonishment “strange!! So where is the catch?” and when I told her about my agreement with Brad she wore a knowing smile, the smile of someone who just figured out the solution to a kid’s puzzle.
I don’t really know if I am a magnet that attracts men who will never commit or I am really commitment phobic person or may be I am punishing myself for something that I can’t remember.
What I can remember is that I have started with a set of great expectations; I started by dreaming of the perfect relation, a perfect man who is smart, handsome, successful and ambitious, A man who has the manners of a knight and the mentality of a philosopher.
Then I introduced the term compromise to my dictionary. I compromised the looks with the first man; a friend at that time convinced me that looks aren’t everything and what really counts in the personality. Then I introduced compromise to the personality department, as I believe no one is perfect. I compromised my long list of needs to have my fairy tale, to have prince charming and the happy ever after life. But prince charming had a witch mother and unlike fairy tales the witch won the war not the dreaming princess.
I started by giving away the prince charming in my fairy tale then I moved on to give away the happy ever after part. I got marriage off my list of goals. I gave away the little girl’s dream of being a princess for one night. I learnt that there is no happy ever after life, I knew that the word end means a new start, I discovered that if Romeo and Juliet were to get married they would have ended divorced or at least regretting the day they met.
I gave away the dream and started living the reality. I took marriage off my list of goals; I adopted a no need for men attitude. I wore a sign reading I am single and I am happy.
I killed the little girl and kept the woman. I kept the woman who understands the need for a man to have his space, his life and to have non-obligating company.
May be the real problem isn’t my fear of commitment and not even my phobia of change. But may be the real phobia is my phobia of being loved, my fear of belonging to someone. I have never belonged to anyone, none of them dared rising his flag on my territory, all what they asked for was a permission to access my land as visitors, and no one wanted to stay. No one cared to take a deeper look than the tourist eyes. They came, they enjoyed and the left without a goodbye. I was never theirs as they were never mine.
I don’t regret burying the dreams along with the feelings. I don’t mourn the little girl with her princess’s fairy tales. I need no man to complete me. I am happy being the queen of my own tale. I am the ruler of my own free land. I belong to no one but myself.
There weren’t catches to be right or wrong.
July 22, 2007
Things that increases utility are called goods/ services. And these goods can be either economic or non economic. Non economic goods are the abundant goods. Air for instance is essential for living but only because of its abundancy it has no price, therefore it is a free good. Diamonds on the other hand aren’t that necessary for living but they have a high price because of their scarcity, therefore diamonds are economic goods.
Applying the same analysis on human relations we find out that regardless the degree of utility we have from persons, the more abundant we find a certain person the less price (attention) we pay for him. the scarcer a person the higher the attention (price).
Moral of the story; Be scarce or if not try artificial scarcity.
P.S. I still hate economics that’s why I decided to have a master degree!
It used to be a male thing just like football and hunting, but now, more women are becoming commitment phobic and for many valid reasons.
Although statistics are hard to come by, psychiatrists are saying that the female fear of commitment is becoming very evident to them. According to the cases they see and the tales they hear, it seems that females are becoming more reluctant to settle or commit – although they still won’t admit it in so many words.
The age for marriage has gone up worldwide and Egypt has followed suit. Although there is a bunch of reasons that come into play here, female commitment phobia is one of the main causes that delay marriage in our society. “In the past three years I have seen an increase in the number of women who come to me saying that they just can’t take this step – of marriage,” says psychotherapist Nevine Zaher. “They give a hundred reasons why the man they are with is not suitable for them and try to justify to themselves why they should break up the relation. Although their reasons may vary, it all comes down to one conclusion. They have commitment issues.”
Let's face it — many of us can't make up our minds on simple matters like changing the colour of our bedroom, let alone sharing our lives with one person. And while making a wrong decision with a paint colour- although inconvenient – is rectifiable, making a wrong decision in selecting a lifetime partner is downright terrifying. And so, females have come up with their own solution to this problem. There are a hundred and one ways that they express this fear of commitment.
Whether it's by staying in mediocre relationships that are going nowhere, blowing up their partner’s tiny flaws to gargantuan proportions, breaking up and getting back together with the same incompatible person, or hiding out at home watching old movies and refusing to mingle.
The behaviours may appear different, but the underlying cause is the same: we want to be in long-term committed relationships but are terrified of what we'll have to give up in the process.
With so many conflicting messages (Be independent! Find someone to love! Live your life. Have kids because your biological clock is ticking. Be the best you can be professionally. Men are intimidated by strong women.), it's not surprising that women go from one to the other without direction.
But this was never your mother’s problem. Female commitment-phobia is a relatively new phenomenon. Not to say that our mothers didn't struggle with a certain amount of anxiety, but when push came to shove, they chose family over anything else because the idea of an unmarried woman at that time was unheard of. Like it or not, a woman had to maintain a certain measure of respectability, i.e. get married and have kids.
But that was then, what about now? Well, we have a much bigger problem on our hands. We're still confronted with the social pressure of getting married but it's not like anyone really cares what we do anymore, except maybe our parents or grandparent.
At present, women have more choices and opportunities than they did back then. We can get married, have kids, get divorced, get our MBAs and PHds abroad, be managing directors of successful companies or creative kooky artists.
This abundance of choice, although we think it’s a privilege, maybe a curse in disguise. “How can anyone live up to the image of a liberal woman as it’s been carved out in the past thirty years?” says H.S who is the managing director and co-owner of a successful production company. “It is humanly impossible to be a perfect wife, a loving mother, a successful business woman, thin and hip with the perfect highlights and the latest Christian Dior clutch bag! And I think that women's commitment-phobia stems from not wanting to settle for one thing and forsake the other options. We see women who have settled, whether it’s for a career or for marriage, and it freaks us out.
But I think I know why many women now prefer to be professionally successful but single; you control your own destiny. You’re not tied to someone else who could potentially bring you down.”
So maybe women have got more than they bargained for. After working so hard for equality, freedom and choice they were stuck. Now that they have the right to choose, they are faced with the problem of how to choose.
The truth is many of us were brought up to be chosen rather than having to do the choosing ourselves. Schooled in the art of luring a man into the trap and making him settle down, we never learned how to scrutinize, analyze, and evaluate the opposite sex. It was enough that he fit the set criteria for the ideal husband – well mannered, financially secure, and socially adept. We may have the power to make our own decisions now, but that doesn't mean we're any more equipped than our mothers to make GOOD ones. With so many dizzying options to pick from, today's women are far more prone to catching the commitment-phobia bug than ever before. Think about it. It's all too easy to decide on a car when you have only two models to choose from. But when presented with a hundred different makes, (sports, sedans, vans or 4x4s), the whole matter can become far more confusing than it needs to be. So it’s not strange that when it comes to making a decision about love and the rest of your life - where the stakes are much higher - it's all too easy to freak out and lose our heads. And since no one is telling us what to do anymore, we only have ourselves to blame.
Yet it’s not just about choosing the right man. There are many variables in the settling down equation that make reaching a conclusion all the more difficult.
It used to be that the marital institution guaranteed an upgrade in lifestyle and social status but not anymore when women have been making considerable economic strides.
With money and social status ceasing to be a primary factor in the choice of partner, it's clear that women's growing financial independence has lessened the urgency to commit. No longer dependent on men for financial security and social status, women are revelling in their freedom and are worried that making a commitment would mean renouncing all that they have worked so hard to attain. So with work and men both vying for equal attention, something usually has to give. And for the professional modern woman, that something is usually romantic relationships. “My career has become very important to me,” says S.L an interior designer. “My mother had to give up her job when she married my dad but now that we’ve all grown up and my dad’s business is facing financial difficulties I can feel her resentfulness and her regret. I feel like her identity is totally wrapped up in her status as the wife of a successful businessman and now she has nothing to show for her years, and I don’t want that to happen to me. I will not give up my successful career for any man. He has to accept me like that, career and all but I haven’t met someone who would.”
And if a career is a convenient excuse to avoid commitment, then the statistically-backed fear of divorce is an even more valid excuse. I mean, who would be brave enough to ride a rollercoaster if they were told they have a 50 percent chance of making it to the final stop. With odds that bad – the risk being higher than the most volatile shares on the stock exchange – it’s only risk lovers or those who are absolutely desperate who would consider giving up anything to get married. Such people look at it like, “You can always get a divorce, so what the heck." But many normal women, and especially those who have been in the close vicinity of divorce (whether it was their own, their parents’, their siblings’ or their friends’), are more realistic on the downside because they’ve seen it all before.
With the 50 percent marital survival rate, the stakes of love become so high that it becomes virtually impossible to relate to others in an objective manner. With so many failed marriages, soured relationships, and broken unions, many of us assume that in order to be successful we have to beat the system and find the one person who is perfect for us in every way and we sit there waiting for something that we know will never happen. “Divorce is maybe the main cause behind female commitment issues,” says Zaher. “When women see marriages that had started out as love stories ending up in ruins, they start distrusting their own judgment and even if everything appears fine they are still scared to take the step.”
Meanwhile, one more variable comes into play: age. As we dilly dally in committing to a relationship, we unwittingly become set in our own ways and unwilling to accept anyone who will make us shift our routine even slightly.
Having postponed marriage and carved out a thriving single life for ourselves, many of us have become habituated to doing what suits us, much like a confirmed bachelor. And the older we get, the more difficult it is for us to settle. “Although I have a huge fear of aging and dying alone, I see marriage as a decision followed by a series of compromises and losses,” says L.A, a very sociable and liberal friend of mine. “The idea of being saddled with a husband and children right now is terrifying. I will never have a moment’s peace to read and I won’t be able to sleep with my hair in curlers like I do every night. I will have no time for my yoga and I won’t be able to travel as much. I simply refuse to give all this up. I am comfortable with my life as it is.”
Plus, it’s never been easier to be single. Now that it’s not frowned upon to have male friends take you out, help you with the chores that need a man and provide a buffer against unwanted male approaches, it’s quite OK to be single. On the other hand, since so many women are single, they keep each other company and are there through thick and thin – more so than any man would ever be. With all those hours you and your friends clock on the phone and your coffees, brunches and dinners, you have most of your needs taken care of. The idea now seems to be, "Who needs a boyfriend when I have so many friends?"
Sure, there is the occasional look of pity when you tell someone you're single, but overall the stigma of being uncoupled has dramatically decreased. And with many of their social and personal needs being met by friends, it's no surprise that women are more likely to question commitment.
Right now, it looks like having a baby is the one thing that forces women to overcome their commitment phobia. “When working with my patients, who are mostly in their thirties and have never been married before, the biological clock seems to be the only reason they came to me to help them with the commitment issues in the first place,” confides Zaher.
But it doesn’t feel like that to everyone. In fact, for some women the vision of a bad marriage with children seems to be the reason that’s freaking them out. “Children change the dynamics of your life,” says S.M who writes scripts for a very popular children’s show.
“Everyone speaks about how wonderful it is, and that it's a love you will never experience anywhere else. But this doesn’t deny that children are a lot of responsibility and if the marriage turns bad, like many marriages do nowadays, would I want that extra responsibility? I can barely take proper care of myself and my mother so unless I find a man who can make me feel as secure as my father did, I am not taking any chances.”
It’s sad but true. The majority of women have stopped thinking about commitment in terms of an all-conquering love that grows with age. For a lot of women out there, it’s starting to conjure images of sacrificing their identity to a mundane life of taking care of others who may or may not appreciate it. So if they’re having commitment issues who can blame them. In choosing to commit they may be giving up their freedom, forsaking something better that might come along, giving up their financial independence or their carefree lives. It’s no wonder that female commitment phobia is on the rise. To give all that up for a man, he has to be a saint. And frankly speaking, neither I nor any of my friends have spotted any halos recently.
Engaging personality, sensitive, modest, occasionally narcissistic, but can rise above vanity.
Colors: male: violet, female: rose
Compatible Signs:Set, Horus
Dates: Feb 12 - Feb 29, Aug 20 - Aug 31
Role: God of the earth
Appearance: Green-skinned man, with leaves all over his body and a goose on his head. Sometimes he was shown laying on his side under his wife, the sky goddess Nut.
Sacred animals: goose
You are The Empress
Beauty, happiness, pleasure, success, luxury, dissipation.
The Empress is associated with Venus, the feminine planet, so it represents, beauty, charm, pleasure, luxury, and delight. You may be good at home decorating, art or anything to do with making things beautiful.
The Empress is a creator, be it creation of life, of romance, of art or business. While the Magician is the primal spark, the idea made real, and the High Priestess is the one who gives the idea a form, the Empress is the womb where it gestates and grows till it is ready to be born. This is why her symbol is Venus, goddess of beautiful things as well as love. Even so, the Empress is more Demeter, goddess of abundance, then sensual Venus. She is the giver of Earthly gifts, yet at the same time, she can, in anger withhold, as Demeter did when her daughter, Persephone, was kidnapped. In fury and grief, she kept the Earth barren till her child was returned to her.
What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.
July 19, 2007
1. The life sentence: "For better or worse." (Clank! Cell door shut!)
2. Giving up that dream of tasting the fruits of all nations (flitting from woman to woman in a glorious bath of love and lust).
3. The "What If?" complex (as in, What if I fall even more in love with another woman?).
4. Divorce (as in betting on a loser).
5. Replicating his parents' failed marriage. (Or replicating his parents' happy marriage -- and one day calling his wife "Angel," "Sugarplum" or "Darl.")
6. Surrendering his post as president and CEO of the firm Fun. Then having to answer to a board of directors in a firm called Compromise, fully knowing every decision can come under killjoy scrutiny.
7. Becoming an active member in the Tamed Husband fraternity.
8. The Blah Life (boredom, overfamiliarity, and routine).
9. Surrendering quiet, control, space, privacy, watching ESPN all night, poker and suds with the guys, cigar breath, stinky sneakers ...
10. Giving up Erotic Break-the-Guest-Room-Fold-out-Couch Sex for Regulated You-Do-This, I-Do-That, Now-Let's-Sleep Sex.
July 16, 2007
He was my prince charming coming alive. He had the looks, the brains, the manners and the skills. He supported me through a harsh break up. He validated me in my process of regaining myself confidence. He was there in the time I didn’t want anyone to be around.
I remember how it started and how it ended. I was drowning and he was my life jacket.
Was he my re-bounce? Now I think may be he was or even if he wasn’t I shouldn’t have blamed him for the phase I was passing through at that time.
Now I regret the discomfort I caused to him, I regret blaming him for my misery because he wasn’t responsible of it. I was the star of my own drama. He didn’t use me; he was the only one who didn’t even try to. He didn’t flag me as his territory. He enjoyed my company and so did I. I shouldn’t have opted for something more. I should have focused on what I wanted not what people want. I wanted the company but people wanted a definition. I wanted to take time while people rushed me. I should have stayed, I should have wished him luck, I should have believed that nothing will change as he promised.
But I have pushed the limits of my poor luck. I unconsciously wanted the end. Now I can see that I have dug the pain myself. I sake misery and I had it. And I blamed him for everything in time I was to be blamed too. I made him suffer; I hunted him with the skills he taught me. I made him suffer; I used the mind he trained against him. I ruined his days, and prayed for justice.
Now, I know that there is no justice to be sought and that there was no unfairness in the first place.
Now, I know I owe him an apology. And I owe him a thank you. I owe him an apology for every crazy thing that I have done. For hunting him, for hunting his friends, for tracing potential girl friends, for nuking every single female he chatted with, for the hacked emails, for deceiving the brother and for every thing that I can’t remember.
I owe him a thank you for the good quality time we spent together, I owe him a thank you for tolerating my craziness, I owe him a thank you for teaching me that sometimes we should evaluate the road before walking it.
I owe him a thank you because if it wasn’t for what happened with him I wasn’t going to enjoy what I am having right now.
Sometimes, it is too late to apologize. Sometimes it is lame to apologize to someone who doesn’t expect our apology. But if I ever had the chance, I will say sorry and I will mean it. If I ever have the chance, I will say thank you from deep of my heart.
Thank you because if it weren’t for you, I wasn’t going to have what I am having now. I wasn’t going to enjoy my life the way I am now. I wasn’t going to come across a cross road and be happy, I wasn’t going to meet someone in a cross road and never worry and I wasn’t going to be content even when I have no road to share with someone.
Thanks for making me appreciate what I have instead of seeking what I can never achieve.
July 13, 2007
You look back and remember how good it was when you first met. The tingles of like and the first buzzes of love. You go on keeping the little memories, match boxes from places you visited, the plastic spoon you used to share your first bowl of soup and lots of tiny little meaningless things that meant everything at that time.
And you keep going on, replacing the tingles with a soft feeling of security, breaking the uncertainty of anticipation with the routine of a relation.
Then life takes over, instead of you and me it becomes you, me and everyone. It is the stage where the relation is like a little boat in an angry ocean. And in the ocean tiny things disappear, in the storm whispering sweet nothings is of no use. And some how you wake up on the fact that yelling have replaced talking and fights have become the official way of communication. You come to the point to face that the little boat is drowning and then you have to face the fear of facing each other and finding out that you have nothing in common.
The point you both discover that the spoon you kept is just a spoon and that the little things that meant everything belongs to your trash can.
The moment you know that boredom has conquered. And that there is nothing left to be done.
Boredom isn’t an instant thing, it grows over time that I even think it is a parasite that lives on the love plant. It takes as much time as for love to develop but secretly it suffocates the poor plant that seems strong but fails to face the slightest breeze.
We start the relation with the belief that we are not like any other couple. Love always comes in a promotional package that reads genuine that’s mostly believed to be unique too. And this believe of uniqueness has the seeds of boredom and hence the destruction of the relation.
Love relations are genuine but are not unique, we opt for uniqueness in away to prove to ourselves that this relation will be a big boat to stand for the oceans waves ignoring that no matter how big the boat is, the ocean will always be bigger and no matter how strong the boat is, storms will always be fierce.
Out of uniqueness come expectations, expectations that the other will always understand and will always fulfill. And out of expectations come unfulfilled needs and frustrations. And out of frustrations come subsurface anger, and out of anger comes the loss of curiosity and then the boat flips and the storm takes over.
We cause the boredom by refraining from communicating our needs in a clear way, we expect for love to be the answer for the questions that we didn’t ask. We expect the other to read our minds and act the way we want. We push the limits by doing things that we think will make our significant other happy in the time we don’t really want. We suppress anger and accumulate frustration. And instead of facing the storm side by side we face it back to back and when the time for eye contact come we find out that we have lost the aim and that spoon is just a spoon after all.
Picture from: studio.nathanielguy.com
July 11, 2007
July 08, 2007
If You Have Seen One, You Have Seen Them All!! – Anonymous
John Gray stated in his famous book, men are from Mars and women are from Venus, that it is only a problem of translation that’s keeping men and women apart. In his theory, both genders speak two different languages, and I agree with that theory. But the real problem that life doesn’t come with subtitles, we have to go through phases till we can get to understand what the other really means.
John Gray’s book was a try to introduce men and women to each other languages. But books rarely help in teaching languages. We all know that the best way to learn a language is to practice it. And as it is hard for a man to live as a woman, and for a woman to live as a man, they learn to communicate through trial and error. Imagine that you are in china and you know nothing about Chinese. You will try to get along by trying to express yourself in your language, or may be some other language that they can understand. Sure ideas might be lost in translation, but with a little practice and over a period of time, that will differ based on personal capabilities, you will learn some Chinese vocabulary that make you have more edge communicating with the Chinese. Same way goes with men and women. It takes time, a degree of openness to learn how the other express themselves and through learning each other languages, sometimes a new common language might emerge, something like Anglo-Chinese thing, that both parties understand without the need of consulting mother languages.
Citizens of the men’s empire share many characteristics, if I said that there is no such a thing that is called a different man. Someone out there, who will probably be a man, will come out screaming that it is not right to stereotype genders based on personal experience and though I wrote a long introduction explaining that everything I am writing here is based on my pure personal experience, but in case someone didn’t read the introduction, I will use the word most instead of all.
So, most men are alike, different experiences proved that the concept of a different man is a complete myth. Most men believe that they are the superior kind, though they will say the contrary, and will write books about how equal they think they are with women, but yet most men think of women as the weaker gender.
On the men’s dictionary, strong means superior and weak implies inferior. So, based on the interpretation of the two words, most men believe that they are quasi-Gods, and typically a quasi-God is never wrong, we never heard of a wrong God.
As a God, a man will try to control his woman’s destiny, he will manipulate the thoughts, set the rules, and in some cases force routes to ensure his woman’s loyalty.
And as a God, a man always sees his worshipers equally. Men often fall for the mistake of neglecting women’s personal difference. As women seem alike because most of them agree on worshiping the creature called man. Most of women, at least up to a certain level of experience, will always put a man as a center of her universe and consequently changing his status from being a human creature to be a quasi-God and her status from being a woman to be a worshiper and consequently a soldier in her God’s Holy war.
Both men and women are working for holy targets. Men as Gods work for finding more believers in their faith while women as worshipers work to find a trustful God to believe in.
Holy targets aren’t supposed to raise conflicts but as the holiness of men’s and women’s targets are doubtable lots of conflicts arise which leads to a daily engagements between the Gods and the worshipers to define territory and to set laws.
July 04, 2007
Essam said that they are people that we don't know and they are just using us. He said that "Brad" is a typical "abna2ona fi el khareg" guy, who finds home in a woman's charcter.
If only I can understand men...
I have to admit Men makes best friends ...
a special thanks to Sameh because he always ready to gather the scattered pieces of me.
a special thanks to Hossam who eats those who hurt me alive
and a special thank you for Essam, the best son ever, thanks for being protective.